NEWS: Admitting We Are Powerless Over Promises

CULTURE: Admitting We Are Powerless Over Promises

Does anyone really think that Promises in Malibu, California is a real rehab center?

Promises offers not only a sober recovery from what ails you but tennis courts, hot tubs, personal chefs, swank rooms and more celebrity sightings than brunch at Scientology's Celebrity Centre -- all for the very reasonable monthly rate of $40,000 (or what most American's earn annually.)



Don’t get me wrong I wish I had a drug habit so that I could check myself in there. I suppose when I'm rich and famous I could just walk in and ask for a room claiming "exhaustion." Most people's publicists cite exhaustion (wink, wink) as the reason their otherwise tee totaling clients have been admitted.

One not-so-anonymous man by the name of Michael Marcus has publicly complained that he didn't get treated very nicely at Promises compared to the celebrity 12-steppers. Marcus was upset that famous drug abusers were allowed visits from their moms and managers while he was denied that privilege.

Michael, do you even have a manager? Maybe that's why you weren't allowed visits from one. Also, your mom shouldn't be visiting you in rehab. That's like taking a nice bottle of Pinot Noir to an AA meeting. She's probably the reason you have addiction problems in the first place. Remember how she drank alone at dinner every night to soothe the pain of your absentee dad? Right. You both need Al-Anon, not regular visits by the pool.

Lawyer Michael Parks is representing his client, an ex-Promises nobody who was reprimanded for allegedly making sexually inappropriate remarks to a starlet. Parks says that it's so totally not fair that his client was asked to check out because the (higher) powers-that-be at Promises turned a blind-eye when a celebrity client spewed "racially insensitive comments."

Please, please let me be a juror on this trial. "Your honor, my client just said to [insert name of rehab starlet here] that he would like to get all up in her fire-crotch. And he was kicked out of the hot tub for that! Meanwhile, [insert name of alcoholic actor here] said that the busboy was a gook and everybody just laughed. It's not fair."

Apparently this guy who just wants to be able to say "nice tits" to whoever he wants in group therapy at Promises was screwed out of $49,000. But Promises lawyer, Gerald Sauer says,

See, Promises is like a little bank. You pay them and if they kick you out your money is safe and sound until you come back and complete your tennis lessons at which time you can use the money you've already put down.

What's the big deal?

If you pay upwards of $40,000 for rehab -- instead of sitting in the back room of a coffee shop or the basement of a church like all the other 12-steppers on Earth -- then you're a sucker and most likely, a star-fucker.

Don't tell me deep down that these "regular" people who check in to Promises aren't dying to just hear Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears types share their stories. Don't tell me that these guys aren't secretly hoping that some young, hot, troubled star with Daddy issues is going to sleep with them. I was once a secretary for a woman who left her kid at the office with me while she went to do yoga 20 miles away in a fancy suburb of Los Angeles because she heard rumors that David Duchovny was spotted there (and that he has a big penis.) She never saw David, her kid beat up someone at school due to lack of attention from Mommy, and I quit.

Anyway, as I'm writing this, Promises is dangerously close to being touched by the fires raging in Malibu. I just read that patients are being evacuated just in case. I'm wondering if celebrities are evacuated first and the great unwashed are forced to wait? I'd like to welcome any handsome celebrity (preferably a Robert Downey Jr. type) to relocate from Promises to my couch. I can microwave something for you and maybe we can watch TV and yell racial slurs without these nobodies tattling on us.

And this matters....why?

I'm fucking sick to death of "I-Hate-Celebrities" articles. At least TheCoolerKing makes his mildly funny to make up for and illustrate their utter meaninglessness. Here SleepyLady is pretending to have opened up an issue with some concrete significance when in fact it's total bullshit.

For the record, let it be known that this is what happens when writers are allowed to edit and submit their own stories.

How does someone become a writer on this site, anyway? I always wondered that.

uh,...............................i don't hate celebrities. What don't you get about this? This article is in support of a rehab center for celebrities...............saying that non-celebs probably won't have a good time at promises.

my assignment as a writer for sg.com was to write for the "culture" or "celeb" category......................so................I'm trying to oblige....

Jesus fucking Christ...................

CALM DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Or don't!

If you want to get me fired............let's do it! Start a campaign! Work hard for it!

Or be patient and get to know me......

or?

fuck yourselves!

Anyone can write news stories; just go to "Newswire" and click "Submit news." Whether or not it's published is up to the editors.

Traditionally, as I've come to understand it, what's given someone the word "NEWSWIRE" under their alias is a submission of a large amount of news stories that have generated a great deal of responses apiece over an extended period of time (Subrosa, FTR), if they're a noted journalist/celebrity (Michael J Totten, Rob Courddry), or if they write regular pieces (like Brad Warner or Chris Gore).

What's weird about SleepyLady is that she entered the site directly onto the newswire, as an editor, with no fanfare or apparent significance. And her (two) stories have been these odd non-news op-ed pieces with no significance. They read more like blogs than news; both her stories lack coherence and theme, which is why her sudden appearance from the blue as an editor is so odd to me. I mean, this Promises nonsense means absolutely nothing to anyone outside of Southern California. It's not relevant. So why is it here?

Link to source?

The only links in this thing are to the Promises site and the Scientology Centre site ... nothing about these people you refer to in the article.

Also, for the love of all that is holy, don't fucking pluralize with an apostrophe.

someone is taking their intardwebz a little bit too seriously.

Either that or he is butt-hurt because he keeps getting stories he submits declined.

Maybe a bit too seriously. But...I mean, at least entertain me. Or hint at the fact that what you're writing about doesn't really matter. Or something.

at least oblige while checking your grammar.

I think the heading "culture" "rumor" was your hint.
Now get off my ass..

The source?

Star magazine

Actually, yeah. I'd rather be fucking myself than reading this.

Thanks.

The first hint.

Who cares if someone wants to live in opulence? Good for them, now I'm gonna try to figure out how to do it.

The rules of grammar do not apply to culture rumors, FYI.

fiksed

not all of us can be Hunter S. Thompson, some of us can just dress like him and criticize other people.

I read it, i was entertained, culture isn't exactly a very exciting topic to begin with. Does anything in our current culture apply to everyone? No. SG is mixed of very diverse people, our cultures differ. Just because you aren't entertained by it, doesn't mean everyone isn't entertained by it.

Dear JDPatriot
I for sure don't mind anyone who lives in opulence. You can be my roommate at Promises when we get in
DevilsReject can visit.
Anyone who takes "culture" too seriously..........will have to be screened.

Oh, I see... I tried submitting a few stories, but they were mainly about Canada/Canadian politics, so they didn't get accepted

Right, because that's the standard I hold SG newswire writers to. And this isn't like, for Halloween or anything.

Also, not everyone can wear spooooooky contact lenses and peer into the souls of those they see.

I'm glad you're entertained by something that makes no attempt to be entertaining. Oh wait, there's a line about tits in there. Ha-ha-ha.

Informal poll. Who among us on this site can apply $40,000 drug rehab centers that cater to celebrities to their lives?

Damn Canucks. See, it should have been about localized Southern California instead.

This story needs more commas, or periods, or something. When I read it, I hear it as spoken in breathless tones by a teenage girl.

Perhaps that's just me, though.

Well, it did come from Star Magazine.

Good point.

wow. you actually took the time to break down my statement and attack my opinions. U R srius about UR news. srsly.

Your name rang a bell when i first read it, but then i remembered it, weren't you crying in another newswire about one of your stories not getting accepted? Yes! It was you! I think i remember you attacking the writers all the time around here.

I am glad you have the ability to tell me what i should be entertained by. Could you PM me and tell me what i should wear tomorrow? I hate thinking for myself. I'd much rather have an intellectual giant like yourself do it for me.

It's $4 a month dude. Get over yourself.

<insert bloody tampon emoticon here>