NEWS: Kid Rock, There's Nothing He Won't Punch

CELEB: Kid Rock, There's Nothing He Won't Punch

We're still stuck in a vicious war, possibly on the brink of another one, and California is burned nearly to the ground. However, right now, I truly feel the best way our time could be spent is by thinking about Kid Rock.



Why? Because you can live vicariously through his reckless brawling, feel superior to his redneck antics or even compare the relative magnitude of your potential next mistake, with his. (Most likely - forgot to buy milk versus stabbed a security guard with a rusty faucet handle. Feel better?)



Last month, as you may recall, Kid Rock punched Tommy Lee in the mouth at the VMA's. Now comes word that he beat up some guy at an Atlanta Waffle House.

I guess the question is, who's next? In a way, he's providing us a valuable service, like the mongoose ridding the land of pesky cobras. Sure, this cobra smokes too much and has poor taste in the ladies but, he's doing his job. First Tommy Lee, then some douche causing problems at the Waffle House... No bad can come of this. He is slowly but surely (well, more slowly) clearing the land of deadbeats, and on the day his power of punch fails him, well, he'll have gotten rid of himself.



Kid Rock's never bothered me. He's always seemed like a dude, one-hundred percent aware of how lucky he was, just out having a good time. And even though I don't care for his music, anytime they've stuck one of his two hits into a movie trailer, I've enjoyed it.



So who will it be? Who will next face the wrath of the redneck? Ryan Seacrest? Some other Motley Crue member? A stray dog?



Here are three of the most likley scenarios.



SCENARIO 1 - Kid Rock drunkenly stumbles into his neighbor's yard, thinking it his own. After wondering aloud about "who the fuck all these little dudes are," he's confronted by the colorfully attired person in charge. After a brief skirmish Kid grabs a fistful of frilly collar with his left hand hand while cocking his right, then delivers a brutal punch. It lands squarely on a bulbous red nose, sending the poor, poor clown tumbling into the pool, where he floats, motionless. Thirty-seven sad children cry on cue.



SCENARIO 2 - Kid asks the tall, hardass-looking guy with the 100 watt smile if he's got a fucking problem. Silence. Kid asks again, this time backing it up with a shove. The guy doesn't move, it's like he's made of iron. Kid asks if the guy thinks he's fucking better than him, then yanks his own shirt off and hurls it into the street all while pacing in a cirle, muttering about how "some motherfuckers just don't know." Kid suddenly breaks from his pattern and lands a right hand to the midsection of his opponent. Then another. This guy's tough but Kid doesn't stop unloading... Police called to the scene arrive to find a bloody-fisted Rock, slumped and out cold, at the foot of an also bloody but otherwise pristine looking, lamp post.



SCENARIO 3 - If you'd have told Kid Rock that, one year ago, shortly after having been arrested for his scuffle at the Waffle House, he'd meet and fall in love with Kandi, the comely young daughter of one Nelson Mandela, he'd have said you were crazy. But, love is unpredictable, and here he was, not only happily engaged to Kandi but on stage at a ceremony honoring her father for his... something. Kid wasn't sure. He'd put all the fighting in the past and was ready to move on... if only Kandi's old man would stop EYEBALLING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. "Man who ended aparteid," or not, Kid Rock doesn't scare easy. A slap to the face from Kid followed by a "How 'bout now?" taunt woke something deep inside Mandela and they locked into a death struggle. Alas, age and many battles fought had taken their toll on the old man, he didn't have it on this night. His sole joy, as he collapsed in slow motion, was the sight of countless bodyguards flying in from all angles, pummeling Kid mercilessly.







TheCoolerKing is going to get a drink.

". . . .and fightin' round da woild"

How dare he defile a Waffle House!

Balls in your mouth, balls in your mouth, you want my mutherfuckin' balls in your mouth...

I think I like scenario 2 the best

I love thatt, and completely agree with this whole thing
Oh Kid Rock

kid rock hasn't provided me with this much entertainment since before I could drive. (I was going to say since before I had pubic hair, but that would be misleading because that's onlt the result of an unfortunate accident involving a...nevermind)

The thing I find most disturbing about Kid Rock is the number of middle aged women who like him. Honestly, I've had three different customers at work comment on how much they like him on three seperate occasions. Now that doesn't seem like a whole lot at first but when you consider the fact that other customers don't comment similarly on any other celebrities I think it is a disturbingly high number...maybe it's just the kind of people who like Kid Rock also like to remind people that you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl.

I also would like to say that Kid Rock fighting with Tommy Lee is like George Clooney calling out Al Gore on his carbon footprint.

As if he'd be wearing a shirt to begin with.

rly? 2/10 implies at least some enjoyment.

Honestly, who can fight when there are waffles in the room?

who said voldemort is doing old men?

i mean, his brother is into kids.

CoolerKing, I'm ashamed. An entire article about reckless punching without one reference to Conan the Barbarian?

I thought scenario 2 was going to end up as Kid fighting a Bob's Big Boy statue.

all i can say is...yes.

Does this make sense, or should I call it a night? It is like, 2:30... maybe I'm too tired to get it.

oh my god. whhhhyyyyyy is any of this news?!

I'm guessing the Will Smith piece was a 1/10?

Sounds like I'm moving up in the world!

I thought you were gone forever?

There's "batter" joke in there somewhere, but it's overshadowed by the tragic joke that is Kid Rock.

this is a great story.
i enjoy the fact that a man with the number one album in this country right now
gets into a fight in a waffle joint..then....then he "speeds" away in a tour bus.thats a great way not to get caught. they probably had a hard time finding him too...you know since they are traveling at 41 mph in an emblazoned bus with the kid rock logo on the side..whuddathunkit.

kid rock over california? hmmm...

They shoulda told the cops, "If this bus goes below 55 mph....it will blow up!"