NEWS: We Don't Know How To Name Dinosaurs Anymore

CULTURE: We Don't Know How To Name Dinosaurs Anymore

Way back when I was a kid...

Okay, let me start over.

A few years ago, when I was a kid, dinosaurs were fucking awesome. I loved them. I bought dino action figures, dino models, dino jigsaw puzzles, and dino computer games. I ate up Jurassic Park, which became the lightning rod for my infatuation. God I wish I was Dr. Grant. Wait, nevermind, Ian Malcolm was always cooler. I mean, the guy came back from the dead for god's sake.

I digress.

The point is, I was just wild for dinosaurs. They were my life. Anything that involved a picture of a giant lizard, chances are I loved it. Even if it didn't involve dinosaurs at all. Didn't matter. It was still badass. There's something about giant lizards that just captured the imagination the way giant robots never could. The original Transformers was awesome, but the giant-lizard lover in me still thinks Beast Wars was far better, no matter what you nerds think.

And they all had awesome names. Tyrannosaurus Rex, AKA T-Rex, was the most badass of all of them. Velociraptor. Triceratops. Gallimimus. Stegosaurus. Even the complicated names like Brachiosaurus were cool, and they were awesome tools to teach kids spelling and pronunciation. Dinosaurs had fucking awesome names that could become bands, or cars, or screen names on the Internet.

And they give us insane relativity about time that we, in our quiet human bubbles, could never comprehend. These are creatures that lived in well-defined environments nearly akin to civilizations that took hundreds of thousands of years to develop, and they died out 63 million years ago -- that's 63 with six zeros behind it. We keep trying to place dinosaurs into a modern environment (a la Jurassic Park) because we absolutely cannot begin to comprehend what Earth was like at the time. All we know is that it looked something like this.

So the concept of the dinosaur is the ultimate existentialism. What is the meaning of human life, when in the long run we're not even the first well-formed, dynamic society to exist on the planet? Jesus, wow, it blows your mind.

So that explains why I still give a shit about them, and why you all should too. And when I see a story on AOL with the headline "'Truly Gigantic' Dinosaur Skeleton Found", I can't help but check it out. "Truly gigantic," you say? Bigger than T-Rex? Bigger than Brachiosaurus? More titanic than Titanosaurus? Even more gigantic than Gigantosaurus? You must be joking!

105 feet -- that's longer than a city block. The largest land mammal, by comparison, is the African elephant, which gets around 10 feet long, a tenth of the length. The largest animal on Earth period, the blue whale, only grows to about 80 feet -- 25 feet less. See, aren't dinosaurs cool?

This kind of news excites me. Even more than the news that hobbits really existed. It's just the kid in me. What an awesome fucking dinosaur this new thing must be.

But then I continued reading.

Um...what?

What?

Futa....log...n...ko...saurus. Dukei. Okay, I get it now.

What a stupid fucking name to give to a dinosaur.

Now look, I understand the racial sensitivity involved, and I realize that this is a pathetic attempt by the white scientific community to pay some regards to the Native Americans to make up for centuries of abuse. Which is fine. But I cannot fucking pronounce that word. Can you imagine teachers giving lessons to 10-year-olds about the astounding Futalognkosaurus dukei? I don't think so. Way to doom your dinosaur to historical obscurity, by giving it a name that no one outside of localized Native American tribes can pronounce. Besides, I'm sure there are Mapuche words that are much easier yet accomplish the same goal, and I'm all for the cultural nods of the head.

But then, to add insult to injury, they went and mooted the liberal sensitivity that they put in there in the first place:

That's great. Just great. Not only does it make the cultural sensitivity look like satire, but it's the last thing we, as a people, needed for the corporate world to make their imprint on -- the natural world. It's a bit like establishing the "Exxon/Mobile National Wildlife Refuge" just outside of the Prince William Sound, or naming a type of tree after Boise Cascade. The only thing that Duke Energy and dinosaurs have in common is fossils -- only Duke is into sucking up, burning, and otherwise destroying fossil fuels. Get it? Ah, to hell with you.

Formus thinks we, the SuicideGirls community, should put our heads together and think of a new, more awesome name to give to Futalognkosaurus dukei, one that doesn't pay homage to the corporate evil that perpetuates the destruction of the natural world that we dig up dinosaurs to better understand and preserve in the first place. And one that we can pronounce.

For some reason I can't read that name in any other way besides "fukinhugesaurus"
Seriously.

Seems like a good name to spell while giving oral sex

Remember when they used to give them Latin names (like ones used in Science) or lame names based on where they found them (like Saltosaurus or Edmontosaurus) What about just calling it Argentinosaurus. We're supposedly the lazy generation, what's more lazy than that? Or hell, Reallybigosaurus

Ohsoordindarisaurus.


Case closed.

funkysaurus, duh.

yup, that one isn't gonna be popular with the kids. kind of like being named Ralph in the age of Justins and Jareds.

but, um, 105 feet is like a basketball court, not a city block.

I thought Beast Wars was great too.
Just for that:
Optimusprimalsaurus.

i'm just glad that i wasn't the only one that thought this exact thing when i read that article on AOL. the Duke Energy thing appalled me. naming a species after a fucking company? ridiculous. just one more place to put a fucking commercial. i hate this world we live in.

I think the assumption that "white scientists" are pandering to slaughtered Native American tribes is awfully presumptuous. You presume to know their entire decision making process in regards to coming up with the name.

Maybe not everybody has difficulty with the name or thinks it sounds silly. In any case, scientists are not obligated to name new species to your preference or convenience. If they were, they'd name them things like TOTALLY AWESOME LIZARD! or, in keeping with your Beast Wars preference, REPITINATOR! or RAMPAGE II! Or better yet, they could have you vote on the name via your cel phone. Would you like that?

beast wars.........pfff.......blasphemy.

I agree with DucksAreCrazy, Optimusprimalsaurus

doris the finkasaurus

hilarious.

actually i think that would be kind of cool.

I saw this in the newspaper this morning and thought the name was quite odd myself. It's pretty much the first time that I've ever had difficulty pronouncing a dinosaur name since I was 3

So the 'dukei' is for the Duke company?

Well, then that means it's pronounced "Dookie."

(It's a somewhat sensible name actually... Futalognko lizard of Duke)
(Still a pain to pronounce though. This is what, a mishmash of Greek, Latin and Mapuche?)

They should have called it the Holycraposaurus!

The fucking CORPORATE BRANDING pisses me off a lot more than the fact that I can't pronounce that name at all. Seriously, I hope someone clones a couple of these things and lets them stomp all over that oil company...or at least the idiots who thought it was a good idea to name a dinosaur--at least partially--after an oil company.

Boooooooooooooooo I was totally writing this story out on scratch paper at work today. *shakes fist*

Great treatment of it, though. And seriously, fuck that name. Footlong-o-saurus Incorporated must die.

Humongousaurus?

And how come you left DinoSaucers outside of your pop culture references?? Fail.

bang a gong, get it on

If I ever discover a dinosaur, that is so what I'm calling it.

Whogivesafuckosaurus?

I imagine we aren't too far away from having museums with corporate stickers all over the fossils....much like in NASCAR.