My desert-island, top five most memorable sequels, in chronological order:

1.) The Empire Strikes Back

2.) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

3.) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

4.) X-Men 2

5.) Kill Bill Volume 2 (Is it even a sequel? Do I care?)

These were the ones that really struck me. Can you see The Sandlot 2's name in that lot, Sean Astin? How about The Next Karate Kid, or A Christmas Story 2 (as it were)? I doubt they'd even sneak into the top 100; those places are all reserved for the kind of warmth and relevance that these just weren't capable of delivering. That probably sounds crueler than it is meant to, but the fact is that at this point, you're too old to make a sequel to a beloved cult-classic children's movie, and that's a good thing, not a bad thing, so don't take your failure to make my list personally.

Before I crib any more of the opening lines of High Fidelity, I should probably explain what I'm referring to: I've been hearing all over E! and MTV news all week that Sean Astin is on board for a sequel to the 1985 gem of a movie The Goonies, calling the prospect of said sequel going into production "an absolute certainty." Damn it, Sean.

“The writing’s on the wall when they’re releasing the [”Goonies”] DVD in such numbers,” enthused the fan-favorite actor, who garnered acclaim in such films as “Rudy” and “The Lord of the Rings” and is now appearing in the baseball epic “The Final Season.”

Yeah, that's true actually, they are. I almost picked one up a couple weeks ago to replace my VHS. Damn it.

So the premise of this belated Goonies sequel seems to be along the same lines as the aforementioned award-winning The Sandlot 2 (or, perhaps, Meatballs 4): a new generation of kids finds its own great adventure. Perhaps the children of the original Goonies themselves! Superb.

According to Feldman, numerous plotlines are floating around, with his favorite involving the children of the original Goonies embarking on an adventure of their own. That idea’s a home run for Astin, who says the real-life growth of the actors should factor heavily into a “Goonies 2.”

“Steven [Spielberg] and Dick [Donner] and all the powers that be … they really feel like the thing that made the movie strong was that it was about kids, so they really want to make the next movie about kids…the next generation of Goonies. And they’ve had a hard time tackling that.”

The thing is, I know how it might be easy to mistake this for a good idea. For one thing, The Goonies is an absolutely wonderful movie. The fact that the movie was about kids, however, is not in and of itself what made it strong. The characters are diverse, flawed and likable. The relationships are stressed at times and realistic (okay except maybe for Chunk and Sloth, but hey), and it deals with everything from first stabs at romance to the sort of class wars that kids might find hard to verbalize at the time but can definitely find relatable. Here's the thing about long-belated sequels, though: they tend to never be sequels so much as they are slightly altered remakes, begging the question: if you can't make it better, why bother? If anything, it makes the original a little bit worse by association. Kind of like Austin Powers.

Then again, two of the main characters in The Goonies also made it into my top five favorite sequels of all time (including Mr. Astin as an adorably chubby hobbit) which may give one the invincible feeling of being immune to terrible sequels. But know this, '80s stars: shenanigans like this almost killed Jason Bateman. It's never too late to end up with that kind of blood on your hands, Astin. Never. Too. Late.

And then, of course, there's the Corey factor. You may have noticed Feldman's name up around that second quote box, and with good reason: the whole rumor of a sequel really got started this summer when Corey dropped news about an animated sequel (which, my god, actually looks like it could have been pretty cool, had it gotten off the ground). Until Sean Astin went on record this week, Feldman was the only one really talking about this, giving nobody any reason to take it seriously. Now that more of a legitimate star is giving it all credence, I'm in the dubious position of having to ask him to second-guess his decision to back of Feldman. Don't get me wrong: I love me some Corey Feldman, and The Goonies is among my top three favorite Feldman performances of all time (sandwiched between Stand By Me and The Lost Boys), but let's face it: he's not exactly the best judge of sequels. I submit, for your approval: Dream a Little Dream 2 and Meatballs 4. Yikes. Perhaps, Herr Feldman, it's time to rest a little from the whole sequel business. Maybe kick back some more with the Haim or something.

Not that anything I say will make a difference. All I can hope for is that it will prove me wrong and be really great. I'm not so sure, though. It was their time, down there. Back when they were young and full of hope and adventure. It'll all be over the second they ride up on sequel bucket, but 'til then, let's remember the good times.

_DictionaryGirl_ is a sucker for a great kids' movie.

Toku666

Columbus, OH

May 2004

OCT 11, 2007 08:45 AM

But isn't the NES video game technically the sequel?

So this would be 3, and 3 is usually pretty effin' lame.

CatWorship

Pottstown, PA

January 2007

OCT 11, 2007 09:00 AM

Weird coincidence, my wife and I were just watching "Goonies" last night on TV and commenting how awesome and original this movie was and how they could never make that movie today. Jeez, this sounds like a disaster. I hate sequels! Leave this awesome movie alone!!!

Uncognitive

Brooklyn, NY

May 2003

OCT 11, 2007 09:06 AM

"Technically, The Two Towers and Kill Bill Volume Two are not true sequels since they were filmed at the same time as the previous movies and then edited into separate films. According to the auteur theory, they are indeed part of a larger singular cinematic tapestry or meta-film. Harrumph."

/comicbookstoreguy

Oh, and you're just taunting Happy Fun Hollywood to come up with even more terrible ideas for sequels. There's almost certainly some young executive in L.A. looking at DVD sales charts and as we speak ordering up script treatments for "Fight Club 2: Pranks R Us" and "Citizen Kane 2: Kanes On Patrol".