NEWS: Not Funny

CULTURE: Not Funny

Charming little discussion on some listserv about a woman who slapped her boyfriend and found out to her surprise that that counts as domestic violence.

Nope, it isn't--and for good reason, too. A lot of (most?) domestic violence victims won't press charges against their abusers because, duh, they're usually in love with them.

Check out the comments, too--most of the folks on that board think she should "dump him" for calling the cops on her. One person points out that

--ya think? and, to her credit, the slapper admits that this is true. She maintains, though, that

Yeah, it would really improve the situation if you were both hitting each other. She should be glad she's dating someone who's got more sense than she does.

And all the people on the board who are mad because the boyfriend called 911 for a "non emergency" are really missing the point. Sure, if the guy called 911, as reported "to scare" his girlfriend, that's kind of dumb--but the points remain that (1) she did hit him; and (2) domestic violence *is* a serious crime.

Right. Let's all wait until the slaps escalate and someone's in fear of their safety before we bother to let people know that it's not okay to hit your partner.

This post brought to you by the department of "just because you're a nice middle-class person doesn't mean that you deserve a get out of jail free card."

Bitch_PhD is not amused.

I'd like to add that slapping can be fun...as long as you remember to establish a safety word people.

in all seriousness though...it's a legitimate thing...there are plenty of women who beat up their Hubbies...does it make it any less wrong because it's normally the other way around? I can't believe he would call the police because she slapped him once...one night...because he was deliberately busting her chops and knew she would get riled up. hopefully it turns into a useful lesson rather than some grudge that they hold against each other.

I hit my boyfriend, he never hits me.
I hit him as a joke or game, not hard. He likes it.

...

well he asked her to take classes so I guess its not something that happened once, there is no need for a hit, it can still be psychological abuse

Slapping once, and carefully, requires a safeword. Beyound that it can be dangerous for an organ more sensitive than gonads.... the brain. Slapping hard is not a good idea, girl to guy, guy to girl, etc,,, you know this I hope Bitch?

So if a man slaps a woman just once, only one night, she should take it?

I'm a bit confused anyway, as your second comment seems to contradict the first.

True, this case doesn't seem as serious as most, but it does help to further mock the problem of female on male DV. A cousin of mine, a really scary amazon (6'5" 300lbs -- no joke) routinely beats up on her husband, and most of the people in my family thinks it's a big fucking joke.

I am sure if he had slapped her the talk on the listserv (and her attitude) would have been very different.

People are stupid.

I think he should have called 911, but NOT as a joke.

This was in Jane Magazine, was it not?

"her boyfriend called 9/11"

Careful, or you could create an entirely new conspiracy theory here.

okay, I guess a more specific explaination is in order...if someone slaps you one time you tell them to not slap you. if they slap you again call the police...

then again I suppose it really depends on the slap...if someone slaps you once and you get knocked unconcious it's not really appropriate...

but essentially what I was saying is that in most cases being slapped once is not a cause for calling the police, while being slapped repeatedly over a period of days weeks months or even years is...so I'm guessing that the guy called the police not because he was slapped once, but multiple times after asking her not to. It works the same way is if a man slaps a woman, in my mind...and either way I'm sure it's very difficult to tell of the person you love for it, let alone call the police...

There are so many David Gest jokes that can be made here, my mind just went completely blank.

still missing the point, perhaps see
Bitch_PhD's prior story on getting out of abusive relationships with regard to legality and responsibility.

if a person assaults another person, there is the necessicity to resolve the situation ASAP, and if prior to resolution there is the feeling that retaliation is in order, there needs to be some mediation either by space or the law.

nitpicking over degree in this situation is useless as abuse is abuse, and until there's a concensus that that is fact, then we're still very fucked.

it's the 21st century, let's behave as such.

Exactly. And this includes verbal assaults/threats, as well.

I didn't mean to nitpick over the degree. It was the only way I knew how to explain that I don't think in the specific situation, it was the first time that this sort of thing had happened. The boyfriend explained to the police that he didn't want her arrested, he just wanted her to go away for the night. This indicates to me that he knew if she didn't then things would likely escalate...most likely he knew this from past experience. Because of this I feel that he was, in fact, in the right by calling the police when she refused to go.

I suppose that really wasn't what I said earlier...but it was what I was trying to say.

I wasn't trying to say that the severity of the situation changes the apparent "wrongness" because I know people use it as an excuse all the time..."I only slapped her" or "She missed me when she threw the plate at me." are not sufficient reasons to discount abuse...but they may not be situations in which someone calls the police (Especially if the severity of the act relative to previous abuse is considerably milder.) I'm not saying it's right, but it's how many seem to think (Including myself, apparently).

I've slapped my boyfriend before. I'm not proud of it, but sometimes it feels as if there's no other option, if he's grabbing me and trying to keep me from leaving, and I'm trying to leave to keep from letting my anger get the best of me, well, sometimes it's a good shocker to make him let go. I guess I'm an abuser! :x

Sounds like they're both idiots.

Depends on the guy/girl in question.

As a man, I would never, repeat, NEVER hit a woman - I grew up knowing that my natural father hit my mother on multiple occasions, and I knew without being told that it was just plain wrong.

That said, I certainly wouldn't tolerate being hit by a woman, either. But, I do have a sense of degree as to what constitutes being hit:

1) If she slaps me, and it stings, but doesn't hurt... it's probably because I said something stupid and hurtful, and frankly deserved to get slapped. **disclaimer below**

2) If she slaps me, and it HURTS, I don't care what I did, that's not cool, and you'd better believe I'll warn her to not EVER do it again.

3) If she hits me with a closed fist, I get away, and then I call the police and press charges. Period.

**disclaimer for #1 - if she slaps me and it's completely unprovoked, see #2

Fortunately, I've never had to deal with #2 or #3, and I've only had #1 happen twice that I remember.

But I am glad to see that there seems to be (at least in the instance reported in this story) as little tolerance for woman-on-man violence as there is for man-on-woman violence. Gender does not matter - abuse is abuse.

And an aside to itwashardlylove: if he's grabbing you to try to prevent you from leaving, that is technically battery. If that happens again, calmly inform him of that, and see how quickly he lets go. If he does it again after that, frankly, that's a pretty good indication that he might get more physical as time goes by. Just a thought.

If there's one thing I've learned from films, it's that sometimes a slap across the face is necessary, if the slappee is hysterical. You give them one across the face and yell, "Get ahold of yrself!"

Maybe this makes me an asshole, but I feel deprived somehow that I've never inspired anybody to actually hit me...

I'm sure you've inspired many people. They've just shown restraint.