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Bitch_PhD

Bitch_PhD

I'm lost
February 2007

OCT 07, 2007 03:44 PM



Charming little discussion on some listserv about a woman who slapped her boyfriend and found out to her surprise that that counts as domestic violence.

i just spent about 20 hours in jail for slapping my boyfriend. he called 911 "just to scare me" but thats not how 'domestic violence' works in california.


Nope, it isn't--and for good reason, too. A lot of (most?) domestic violence victims won't press charges against their abusers because, duh, they're usually in love with them.

Check out the comments, too--most of the folks on that board think she should "dump him" for calling the cops on her. One person points out that

slapping a man should have ceased to be a "you go, girl" moment by now


--ya think? and, to her credit, the slapper admits that this is true. She maintains, though, that

i guess (it would have been) better than if he'd have slapped me back.


Yeah, it would really improve the situation if you were both hitting each other. She should be glad she's dating someone who's got more sense than she does.

And all the people on the board who are mad because the boyfriend called 911 for a "non emergency" are really missing the point. Sure, if the guy called 911, as reported "to scare" his girlfriend, that's kind of dumb--but the points remain that (1) she did hit him; and (2) domestic violence *is* a serious crime.

I wouldn't have thought you would have to go to an actual jail for slapping someone


Right. Let's all wait until the slaps escalate and someone's in fear of their safety before we bother to let people know that it's not okay to hit your partner.

This post brought to you by the department of "just because you're a nice middle-class person doesn't mean that you deserve a get out of jail free card."

Bitch_PhD is not amused.

xazapdmytinu

xazapdmytinu

Fort Collins, CO
July 2007

OCT 07, 2007 04:31 PM

I'd like to add that slapping can be fun...as long as you remember to establish a safety word people.

in all seriousness though...it's a legitimate thing...there are plenty of women who beat up their Hubbies...does it make it any less wrong because it's normally the other way around? I can't believe he would call the police because she slapped him once...one night...because he was deliberately busting her chops and knew she would get riled up. hopefully it turns into a useful lesson rather than some grudge that they hold against each other.

Crissis

Crissis

Ecuador
January 2007

OCT 07, 2007 04:43 PM

I hit my boyfriend, he never hits me.
I hit him as a joke or game, not hard. He likes it.

...


and he paid for my bail, and told me that whatever anger management classes i have to take, he will take with me AND pay for them


well he asked her to take classes so I guess its not something that happened once, there is no need for a hit, it can still be psychological abuse

swedrock

swedrock

Louisville, KY
October 2005

OCT 07, 2007 04:48 PM

Slapping once, and carefully, requires a safeword. Beyound that it can be dangerous for an organ more sensitive than gonads.... the brain. Slapping hard is not a good idea, girl to guy, guy to girl, etc,,, you know this I hope Bitch?

DeadBilly

DeadBilly

Burnt Cabins, PA
February 2004

OCT 07, 2007 04:48 PM

xazapdmytinu said:
in all seriousness though...it's a legitimate thing...there are plenty of women who beat up their Hubbies...does it make it any less wrong because it's normally the other way around? I can't believe he would call the police because she slapped him once...one night...



So if a man slaps a woman just once, only one night, she should take it?

I'm a bit confused anyway, as your second comment seems to contradict the first.

True, this case doesn't seem as serious as most, but it does help to further mock the problem of female on male DV. A cousin of mine, a really scary amazon (6'5" 300lbs -- no joke) routinely beats up on her husband, and most of the people in my family thinks it's a big fucking joke.

JunkyardAngel

JunkyardAngel

San Gabriel, CA
February 2006

OCT 07, 2007 05:00 PM

I am sure if he had slapped her the talk on the listserv (and her attitude) would have been very different.

People are stupid.

I think he should have called 911, but NOT as a joke.

wink84

wink84

Fulton, MO
October 2007

OCT 07, 2007 05:11 PM

This was in Jane Magazine, was it not?

Formus

Formus

Milwaukee, WI
May 2007

OCT 07, 2007 05:41 PM

"her boyfriend called 9/11"

Careful, or you could create an entirely new conspiracy theory here.

xazapdmytinu

xazapdmytinu

Fort Collins, CO
July 2007

OCT 07, 2007 05:52 PM

KilledByLenore said:

xazapdmytinu said:
in all seriousness though...it's a legitimate thing...there are plenty of women who beat up their Hubbies...does it make it any less wrong because it's normally the other way around? I can't believe he would call the police because she slapped him once...one night...



So if a man slaps a woman just once, only one night, she should take it?

I'm a bit confused anyway, as your second comment seems to contradict the first.

True, this case doesn't seem as serious as most, but it does help to further mock the problem of female on male DV. A cousin of mine, a really scary amazon (6'5" 300lbs -- no joke) routinely beats up on her husband, and most of the people in my family thinks it's a big fucking joke.



okay, I guess a more specific explaination is in order...if someone slaps you one time you tell them to not slap you. if they slap you again call the police...

then again I suppose it really depends on the slap...if someone slaps you once and you get knocked unconcious it's not really appropriate...

but essentially what I was saying is that in most cases being slapped once is not a cause for calling the police, while being slapped repeatedly over a period of days weeks months or even years is...so I'm guessing that the guy called the police not because he was slapped once, but multiple times after asking her not to. It works the same way is if a man slaps a woman, in my mind...and either way I'm sure it's very difficult to tell of the person you love for it, let alone call the police...

Formus

Formus

Milwaukee, WI
May 2007

OCT 07, 2007 05:59 PM

There are so many David Gest jokes that can be made here, my mind just went completely blank.

jnthn

jnthn

New York, NY
October 2002

OCT 07, 2007 06:07 PM

xazapdmytinu said:

KilledByLenore said:

xazapdmytinu said:
in all seriousness though...it's a legitimate thing...there are plenty of women who beat up their Hubbies...does it make it any less wrong because it's normally the other way around? I can't believe he would call the police because she slapped him once...one night...



So if a man slaps a woman just once, only one night, she should take it?

I'm a bit confused anyway, as your second comment seems to contradict the first.

True, this case doesn't seem as serious as most, but it does help to further mock the problem of female on male DV. A cousin of mine, a really scary amazon (6'5" 300lbs -- no joke) routinely beats up on her husband, and most of the people in my family thinks it's a big fucking joke.



okay, I guess a more specific explaination is in order...if someone slaps you one time you tell them to not slap you. if they slap you again call the police...

then again I suppose it really depends on the slap...if someone slaps you once and you get knocked unconcious it's not really appropriate...

but essentially what I was saying is that in most cases being slapped once is not a cause for calling the police, while being slapped repeatedly over a period of days weeks months or even years is...so I'm guessing that the guy called the police not because he was slapped once, but multiple times after asking her not to. It works the same way is if a man slaps a woman, in my mind...and either way I'm sure it's very difficult to tell of the person you love for it, let alone call the police...



still missing the point, perhaps see
Bitch_PhD's prior story on getting out of abusive relationships with regard to legality and responsibility.

if a person assaults another person, there is the necessicity to resolve the situation ASAP, and if prior to resolution there is the feeling that retaliation is in order, there needs to be some mediation either by space or the law.

nitpicking over degree in this situation is useless as abuse is abuse, and until there's a concensus that that is fact, then we're still very fucked.

it's the 21st century, let's behave as such.

DeadBilly

DeadBilly

Burnt Cabins, PA
February 2004

OCT 07, 2007 06:19 PM

jnthn said:
if a person assaults another person, there is the necessicity to resolve the situation ASAP, and if prior to resolution there is the feeling that retaliation is in order, there needs to be some mediation either by space or the law.



Exactly. And this includes verbal assaults/threats, as well.

xazapdmytinu

xazapdmytinu

Fort Collins, CO
July 2007

OCT 07, 2007 06:50 PM

KilledByLenore said:

jnthn said:
if a person assaults another person, there is the necessicity to resolve the situation ASAP, and if prior to resolution there is the feeling that retaliation is in order, there needs to be some mediation either by space or the law.



Exactly. And this includes verbal assaults/threats, as well.



I didn't mean to nitpick over the degree. It was the only way I knew how to explain that I don't think in the specific situation, it was the first time that this sort of thing had happened. The boyfriend explained to the police that he didn't want her arrested, he just wanted her to go away for the night. This indicates to me that he knew if she didn't then things would likely escalate...most likely he knew this from past experience. Because of this I feel that he was, in fact, in the right by calling the police when she refused to go.

I suppose that really wasn't what I said earlier...but it was what I was trying to say.

I wasn't trying to say that the severity of the situation changes the apparent "wrongness" because I know people use it as an excuse all the time..."I only slapped her" or "She missed me when she threw the plate at me." are not sufficient reasons to discount abuse...but they may not be situations in which someone calls the police (Especially if the severity of the act relative to previous abuse is considerably milder.) I'm not saying it's right, but it's how many seem to think (Including myself, apparently).

itwashardlylovex

itwashardlylovex

Costa Mesa, CA
January 2007

OCT 07, 2007 07:01 PM

I've slapped my boyfriend before. I'm not proud of it, but sometimes it feels as if there's no other option, if he's grabbing me and trying to keep me from leaving, and I'm trying to leave to keep from letting my anger get the best of me, well, sometimes it's a good shocker to make him let go. I guess I'm an abuser! :x

Ridley

Ridley

SUICIDEGIRL

California, USA

OCT 07, 2007 07:07 PM

hahaha people are surprised abuse it works both ways?

The boyfriend probably shouldn't have called 911 as a joke. If he really felt abused, then yes, call 911. But just to care someone?

Tallboy66

Tallboy66

Chicago, IL
January 2005

OCT 07, 2007 07:13 PM

Sounds like they're both idiots.

Saraphine

Saraphine

SUICIDEGIRL

Pennsylvania, USA

OCT 07, 2007 07:23 PM

I'll start by saying I've never slapped a boyfriend, or anyone for that matter! Is it uncool to mention that the strength difference in most people is vital to whether or not he should have called 911? I mean, a girl slapping a guy with full force is NOT the same as a guy slapping a girl full force. It's like a teenager slapping a 5 year old and vice versa-- not the same! I'm not condoning it, but I fail to see how a man slapping a woman across the face during a fight is the same as a woman doing it to a guy-- it's been portrayed in hundreds of old movies with the classy broad getting pissed at some guy's assholery and slaps him one. It's kinda hot, usually sets the guy straight, and ends with the two of them getting married with her having won his respect and all that. Whatev, I know this chick was probably psycho and this was most likely a good wake up call for them. Basically violence is bad, but I'm not gonna cry for a guy who's gf slapped him one time.

Saraphine

Saraphine

SUICIDEGIRL

Pennsylvania, USA

OCT 07, 2007 07:24 PM

Tallboy66 said:
Sounds like they're both idiots.



Pretty much biggrin

DeadBilly

DeadBilly

Burnt Cabins, PA
February 2004

OCT 07, 2007 07:24 PM

Saraphine said:
I'll start by saying I've never slapped a boyfriend, or anyone for that matter! Is it uncool to mention that the strength difference in most people is vital to whether or not he should have called 911? I mean, a girl slapping a guy with full force is NOT the same as a guy slapping a girl full force.



Depends on the guy/girl in question.

CaptainMobius

CaptainMobius

North Hollywood, CA
June 2007

OCT 07, 2007 07:24 PM

As a man, I would never, repeat, NEVER hit a woman - I grew up knowing that my natural father hit my mother on multiple occasions, and I knew without being told that it was just plain wrong.

That said, I certainly wouldn't tolerate being hit by a woman, either. But, I do have a sense of degree as to what constitutes being hit:

1) If she slaps me, and it stings, but doesn't hurt... it's probably because I said something stupid and hurtful, and frankly deserved to get slapped. **disclaimer below**

2) If she slaps me, and it HURTS, I don't care what I did, that's not cool, and you'd better believe I'll warn her to not EVER do it again.

3) If she hits me with a closed fist, I get away, and then I call the police and press charges. Period.

**disclaimer for #1 - if she slaps me and it's completely unprovoked, see #2

Fortunately, I've never had to deal with #2 or #3, and I've only had #1 happen twice that I remember.

But I am glad to see that there seems to be (at least in the instance reported in this story) as little tolerance for woman-on-man violence as there is for man-on-woman violence. Gender does not matter - abuse is abuse.

And an aside to itwashardlylove: if he's grabbing you to try to prevent you from leaving, that is technically battery. If that happens again, calmly inform him of that, and see how quickly he lets go. If he does it again after that, frankly, that's a pretty good indication that he might get more physical as time goes by. Just a thought.

Saraphine

Saraphine

SUICIDEGIRL

Pennsylvania, USA

OCT 07, 2007 07:30 PM

KilledByLenore said:

Saraphine said:
I'll start by saying I've never slapped a boyfriend, or anyone for that matter! Is it uncool to mention that the strength difference in most people is vital to whether or not he should have called 911? I mean, a girl slapping a guy with full force is NOT the same as a guy slapping a girl full force.



Depends on the guy/girl in question.



I'm talking average. This is based on average people. Not special circumstances

Cigarette

Cigarette

Cleveland, OH
April 2004

OCT 07, 2007 07:33 PM

If there's one thing I've learned from films, it's that sometimes a slap across the face is necessary, if the slappee is hysterical. You give them one across the face and yell, "Get ahold of yrself!"

Horrorflick

Horrorflick

Detroit, MI
February 2003

OCT 07, 2007 07:36 PM

Maybe this makes me an asshole, but I feel deprived somehow that I've never inspired anybody to actually hit me... frown

Formus

Formus

Milwaukee, WI
May 2007

OCT 07, 2007 07:37 PM

Horrorflick said:
Maybe this makes me an asshole, but I feel deprived somehow that I've never inspired anybody to actually hit me... frown



I'm sure you've inspired many people. They've just shown restraint.

Saraphine

Saraphine

SUICIDEGIRL

Pennsylvania, USA

OCT 07, 2007 07:44 PM

Cigarette said:
If there's one thing I've learned from films, it's that sometimes a slap across the face is necessary, if the slappee is hysterical. You give them one across the face and yell, "Get ahold of yrself!"



Or "Snap out of it!" (Moonstruck)


That was a hot scene blush

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