When I saw this story on dlisted, I almost couldn't believe it. David Letterman, long beloved as a bastion of mainstream, "safe" humor and pleasant celebrity interviews, basically just called Paris Hilton a dirty little slut, then verbally beat her like a red headed stepchild on national TV. Look!

Things I love about this interview

1. In a satire of everyone who's interviewed her in the past, he says "How'd you like being in jail?...God that was a horrible thing, wasn't that just horrible?" Before Paris can re-gift her canned answers, the audience laughs at a joke everyone but her is in on. It's not what he says, but how he says it...he questions her with deadpan faux-sincerity that goes far beyond his usual "LOOK AT ME I'M BEING FUNNY" demeanor.

2. He uses the word "scurvy," one of my favorite words ever.

3. He rubs it in her face that Nicole only spent forty-five minutes in the clink.

4. This one is easy to miss because it's mainly set-up for what comes next...but when she tells him she was born in New York, he responds with "good for you!" Though she eventually realizes he's fucking with her, I doubt she caught that barb...because for Paris, being born was an accomplishment.

5. After she tries to steer the topic over to her current "projects," he tells her:

In all seriousness, this could be your legacy...as a contribution to the young people of this country.

What? Did he just highlight her life's utter vacuity and call her out on her failure to deliver on promises of charitable projects both at once? Yes, yes he did.

6. In the same tone of voice you'd use on a five-year-old, he asks "do you know what you did?" Points off for laughing at his own joke, though.

7. He won't stop when she tells him to! She keeps looking off to the right to see if anyone is going to tackle him, and, finding herself alone, squirms in her seat like a little kid, then pouts in a hilarious self-caricature.

8. Without skipping a beat, he asks if her heckler is somebody she met in prison.

9. He drinks the bitch's perfume, as if to say "You picked out the bottle yourself? O RLY?" This also calls attention to the fact that perfume is just alcohol you rub on yourself.

10. Even when Dave lets her talk about her "projects," the audience cannot stop laughing at the elaborate, postmodern joke that is her existence.

The reason I write about this shit, and the reason any self-respecting comedian performs satire on current events, is to make us laugh at the same time that we realize the sheer absurdity of the world around us, and maybe decide to do something about it. This was, I hope, the Paris Hilton interview to end all Paris Hilton interviews. In the wake of this dressing-down, the bitch would have to be crazy to do another one until after she actually accomplishes something. She probably will anyway, but one can only dream.

Now go read some real blogs and find out what's happening in Iraq.

crispy

NEWSWIRE

Philadelphia, PA

SEP 29, 2007 09:12 PM

I saw this last night and thought it was great because it was the way every Letterman interview used to be back in the NBC days. He was a total asshole more times than not, belittling guests for his own amusement.

That was the Dave I fell in love with all those years ago, and it was great to see him back ... if only for one night.

Ailuros

HOPEFUL

Kingston, ON

SEP 29, 2007 09:16 PM

Oh Paris. It's nice to see her being heckled a bit by the comedians, it lets her know she's a bit of a joke in the public eye...and it really is awfully nice to see Letterman being funny for once, isn't it?

punk

Phoenix, AZ

January 2004

SEP 29, 2007 09:26 PM

That. Was. Awesome.

Ascanius

USA

October 2006

SEP 29, 2007 09:26 PM

Do you feel better now? I'll buy you a parakeet.

JeremyEJones

San Francisco, CA

August 2005

SEP 29, 2007 09:31 PM

I miss Dave. I remember when I was a wee lad and my parents would let me stay up only so long as it was to watch Dave or Star Trek: TNG.

Kanner

New Zealand

September 2007

SEP 29, 2007 09:33 PM

Thanks so much for posting this. Exactly what the situation needed. =)

Formus

Milwaukee, WI

May 2007

SEP 29, 2007 09:34 PM

Right about 3:20, she really starts to catch on.

I love Letterman. He's really contributed to the national awareness of the mental state of our Commander in Chief, and his skits are pretty hilarious. He's also got one of the quickest minds of any comedian - take the "Someone you met in prison?" line and the drinking of the perfume. He doesn't do it as well as Johnny Carson, but pretty damn close.

JunkyardAngel

San Gabriel, CA

February 2006

SEP 29, 2007 09:37 PM

Geeze, I forgot he could be such a FUNNY jerk! Really, I kinda feel sorry for Paris: she is what her parents raised her to be.

Then there's the reality side, that she's an adult and pretty vacuous.

But, well, I guess the slammer did make her stronger: she didn't cry for her mom during the interview.

(I actually have my own Paris Hilton story, but that was about 4 years ago now.)

Sigh. So much money and PR and so little will do do anything important.

JunkyardAngel

San Gabriel, CA

February 2006

SEP 29, 2007 09:38 PM

OMG! If someone offered to buy ME a parakeet in that derisive tone I would implode with laughter. That was the BEST LINE EVER.

GreyOut

Seattle, WA

April 2006

SEP 29, 2007 09:39 PM

He may have been on for Paris but did you see him with Kevin Smith Tuesday? The monologue was unwatchable and Dave looked asleep for the first interview. Then Kevin comes out and even at his tamest he makes Dave seem like he's about 150 years old. Kevin was lofting Dave softballs but he never took the bat off his shoulder. I'll give him the Paris interview but I still think it is time for Dave to hang it up. Maybe Carrot Top is available.

attn_ho

Brooklyn, NY

February 2004

SEP 29, 2007 09:40 PM

golf clap, hunter.
quite.

JunkyardAngel

San Gabriel, CA

February 2006

SEP 29, 2007 09:45 PM

attn_ho said:
golf clap, hunter.
quite.

that is the best reply i have seen almost ever.