NEWS: Shockingly, Hollywood Dads Not Thinking of Others

CELEB: Shockingly, Hollywood Dads Not Thinking of Others

You don't get to do whatever you want. Seems fairly obvious but some people have a hard time grasping this fact.

As much as you'd like to always "follow your dream" and "live in the moment," there are times when you really shouldn't.

An example would be... you probably shouldn't greet the stork with a handshake and a hearty hello when a day later you were planning to pay the ferryman for a boat ride across the river Styx...

Good for him! That scenario, I mean. It's good for him and for absolutely no one else.

How about funnyman of yore, Tony Randall, he became a dad at the ripe old age of 79. The old guy, he still had it in 'im! Well, for a little while anyways, he died five years later. Man, who saw that coming! Just bad luck, I guess.

Warren Beatty had a kid at 63. Paul McCartney had one at 62. And the list goes on and on.

Hef actually has four other kids. Now, as stellar of a job as he might've done with the others, father of the year trophies piling up and whatnot, I don't think he should be having a child at the age of eighty-fucking-one. I also believe that other people should feel this way, speak up about it, and shame him into getting spayed.

There's probably a reason why women have a harder time conceiving as they get older, and I'm not sure that reason is so that older dudes have an excuse to fuck young girls.

Fathers? Nope. These guys are basically machines that churn out orphans and single moms. What a great idea. Your withered shell of a carcass gets to play pattycake a few times before shuffling off this mortal coil and leaving behind a kid who will never know its father.

As tempting as it must be to have the chance to yell at someone who looks just like you, I think maybe adopting a kid is the best way to proceed here. Or, getting an animal of some sort. Or, perhaps, being content to continue fucking women decades younger than you until such time as Pluto calls to you from his murky depths...

You don't start sculpting a statue if you're only going to be able to finish the leg (sculptors, feel free to correct me here.) You wouldn't intentionally build half a car would you? Fuck, would you? I'm actually not sure. My analogies are suddenly failing me for some reason...

Maybe I don't need an analogy. Maybe fathering a kid when you have a maximum of five years left on the planet being a horrible idea is plain enough for everyone to see. I bet Tony Randall's eight-year-old agrees with me.



TheCoolerKing continues to not get his pieces done in time for a photo.

Eh, Bridgette and Kendra have no intentions of getting pushed out the way, anyways, and everyone knows all Hef's exs hate Holly, so I doubt she gets her wish. Still. Whatever, let the damn blonde be happy so she shuts up, and there's no more reason to continue to make new episodes of the Girls Next Door. Please God, please give her a child and make the show go away!

Males are neutered, females are spayed. "Get fixed" works for either.



This pedantry has been brought to you by your friendly neighborhood Grammar Nazi.

Isn't a rich old guy having a kind who'll at least be taken care of for their whole life better than a younger guy having a kid and then fucking off and the kid lives in poverty?

Of course it's not ideal, but then, what is?

I thought he had three girlfriends. That's one more parent plus one more dead parent than I had..

Isn't it likely that this is just a stab at having more of a claim to his fortune?

True, you don't get to do whatever you want but when you have millions and millions of $$$ it helps.

Do you really think he spends a whole lot of time with the other kids anyway?

For the record - GROSS. I coulda done without that visual, Tart!

Hah, I love that even us, the curious onlookers, get our bones melted.

I guess Henry is instantly liquified...

In the grand scheme of things, though, really old dudes getting women pregnant may have been a good thing. According to recent studies of nonindustrial societies by Stanford University biologist Shripad D. Tuljapurkar, older men fathering children may have in part been what led to the evolution of longer life spans, and other valuable traits.

Not that any of you cared to hear that, just thought I'd throw that out there.

The Rollins is unliquifiable.

You'll be missing me when you have that big white wrinkly body on top of you with his loose skin and old balls... gross!



I couldn't help but think of Big Daddy.

Screwing the human race into immortality sounds pretty sweet to me.

"Your withered shell of a carcass gets to play pattycake a few times before shuffling off this mortal coil and leaving behind a kid who will never know its father."

I'drather be a kid who never knew his father than one who was never born at all.

Hmm lets see... I have a father who might as well be dead to me but without the squillions of dollars in inheritance or the healthy gene pool this kid's being born out of. The kid should be so lucky...

Besides, if anyone deserves to father babies in his 80's and fuck woman decades younger than him, it's Hef. For a humanist like myself, the man is as close to a God-figure as it gets. He's the Don Juan or Casanova of our times.

Great. Now not only is there going to be another fatherless child in the world, but he/she will be blessed with three retarded mothers.

EDIT:

I just wanted to add that, to a child, you can have more money than anyone else in the world but they know one thing: I'm here. Dad's not. Period. Kids don't want money, they want their parents. My dad is dead and if he left me a fortune (he didn't.... but hypothetically speaking) I would give it all back for just one more day with him.

I painfully understand and agree with your point of view. Even before I read your article, the title alone sent waves of fear through me.

Pavarotti left a 4 year old girl who will only have pictures and videos of her father - sharing the same empty, non interactive memories the rest of us have. Always wondering what he must have been like. The man her mother fell in love with. The man she tells her daughter, loved her very much. A great deal will be left to her imagination. My heart goes out to her. Men like Hugh Hefner are selfish to have children at that age in my opinion. So what if he has the money to provide for them. After he is gone It is NOT the same as having them there.

I am a 43 year old father of 3 beautiful children, the youngest of whom is only 3. I know they will outlive me. But the idea of parting ways with them while any of them are still children is frightening to me. I want to be there for them. To share the love for them and from them with my wife for as long as she and I can. My mother died when I was 16. I had to grow up so fast then. My mother was the one I turned to when I had problems. My father would tell me what a dumbass I was for getting into such a fix, though he loved me and would help after he got off his soapbox. My mother would give me the counsel I so desperately needed, while still reminding me I'd screwed up.

My wife is a good mother to my kids. But she's the tough one and the disciplinarian and taskmaster. I am the one with the big heart and the comforting words of wisdom. I do so without dissenting with my wife. The children need us both.

It ain't about the sex, IMHO. Yes, the children received the gift of life. But I could not have a child knowing I probably wouldn't live see them grow up.

Immortality would suck. To paraphrase David Cross: you fall and break a hip at 200, and that's where you're stuck for however long, hoping an apple falls out of tree or something.

Spaying and neutering have nothing to do with grammar.

This chop has been busted by your unfriendly and curmudgeony old Biology Nazi.

Fair call. If I had a dad that cared I'm sure I'd say the same thing but like I said, my dad's not dead but he might as well be. My mum more than made up for that lack of father and I can say with all honesty that I don't think I've missed anything by not having him around. So bring on the money

I'm with Tart although I'm going to say that I might agree to give Paul New man a roll too

everyone else over 70 seems sorta... wrinkly.