NEWS: Sitcom Stars, Please Hide Your Continued Existence, Thanks

CELEB: Sitcom Stars, Please Hide Your Continued Existence, Thanks

It really has come to this. I believe sitcom stars should be taken away at the end of their show's run, and locked up. Or exiled to a far off island somewhere, with areas that are mocked up to look like their respective shows, ala Westworld.

It is simply too damaging to my memory of them to allow them to run around living their lives and occasionally popping up on my radar. I'm sorry, but they've lost the right to coexist with us.

We're familiar with the countless examples of child star's lives hitting the skids and tarnishing classic show's legacies. More recently the Michael Richard's situation, which has been talked to death. But what's largely been avoided is the real victims... people who'd like to continue to enjoy Seinfeld reruns without pondering the nature of racism.

Now there's this:

Now I have to think about Eddie Haskell, struggling through his twilight years while getting ripped off by SAG? C'mon, what happened?! It wasn't supposed to end like this, but, more importantly, I wasn't supposed to hear about it.

I gotta say, I don't know if he's in the right, but I'm guessing bearing a strong resemblance to "Eddie Haskell," while arguing in court can't work in your favor.

Other scenarios where resembling Eddie Haskell wouldn't work in your favor? Adulthood, Earth, and the Milky Way galaxy...

I actually enjoy the show, and now I can look forward to picturing a shawl-covered, broken down, old man Eddie eating a dinner of crackers and dirt cause SAG won't cough up his money, every time I tune in.

Then there's this:

I honestly could've gone forever without hearing this. It's just... weird. The Greg/Carol hook-up was strike one and this, horrible detail, is two. Please, no beastiality revelation for Alice and Tiger.

I don't know which is sadder, the fact that this happened or the fact that she made this up in a sad attempt to sell more books. I'll admit, I'm less bothered here 'cause I'm not really a fan, but I'm pretty sure at least once in the next month I'll be tempted to watch an episode while fighting through a hangover. And now I'll have to flip the channel, hoping for a similar dose of haze-clearing schmaltz from an episode of Bewitched or possibly, Magnum PI.

For awhile sitcom stars, we've been kind enough to tolerate your wishes of a life outside the box in my living room. That time is clearly coming to an end. I'm sorry.

Of course, I'm only referring here to "classic" sitcom stars. Debra Messing, feel free to continue sucking, starving, and spelling your name incorrectly for as long as you like. Two and a Half Men cast members, you're free to mix with the general populace. Sorry in advance for all the hate-filled looks.

So, yeah, if you're interested, I'm starting a vigilante group to hunt these characters down and ship 'em off. I figure once we knock off Mr. T and Larry Hagman, the rest will fall in line.




TheCoolerKing regrets not being able to work a reference to George Peppard into this piece...

The Westworld reference makes up for the lack of George Peppard references.

i like George Peppard.

Does that mean Will and Grace get to live together with no sex... forever.....?

I realize there's a rich vein of irony running through here, but you might think about cultivating a stronger ability to suspend your disbelief. Maybe you should read more books. You won't have to worry about pesky old real-life human beings bursting your bubble. At least as long as you steer clear of the crappy (read "all") cinematic adaptations that ultimately results from any book selling more than few dozen copies.

That just puts the "marcia marcia marcia" quote in a whole new light. Thanks for that.

Eddie Haskell grew up and became a cop somewhere in Southern Ca.

I love it when a plan comes together . . .

Hey leave Duckie alone!

And what's wrong with lesbian flings?

I are confoosed by article.

Giggetty

Nothing at all.

I'm just saying the knowledge that two borderline underage girls, who were supposed be playing sisters, were actually hooking up is a bit weird, in the context of that world.

Also, Duckie is the single worst 80's movie character of all time. Err, I mean, of the 80's.

You can't do away with Mr. T... come on... Get everyone else whacked... But any man who wears forks and spoons for jewelry is awesome.

TC and Rick were secretly gay lovers. and Higgens was a pimp.

"Yeah, why does Marcia get everything? Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!"

Did they actually make a TV show out of Westworld? I just remember a movie with Yul Brenner playing a robot cowboy.

I love it when a plan comes together.

People are only shocked because they want these old sitcom stars to be wholesome forever. It'd be torture to have to live up to those expectations. No one would flinch if you said Scott Baio banged all the girls on Charles in Charge, no one would be up in arms if David Faustino (Bud Bundy) got arrested for running a meth lab; but Marcia Brady experimented with *gasp* a girl as a teenager?!?! Oh nooo, the sky is falling.

I pity da foo' that messes with Mr T

it's always a bigger "shock" with the child actors, too. like how utterly blown away people are with how fucked up Danny Bonaduce turned out. "but he was such a cute little kid, singing with his 'family' and smillin'..."

honestly, i don't know how they can not turn out fucked up in at least some small way after what they have to go thru.

But. . .but. . . how can people from the tv tubes have any pursuits beyond their programming representations for our amusement?! My fragile little world is cruuuuumbling!!!

Marcia and Jan? Really?...my money was on dirty little Cindy.

I hate to say it, but lesbian Brady's was a good part of every healthy young mans' fantasy life during the run of said show...

Wait, I could be misreading this, and if I am, my apologies.

You're not really taking a facetious, over-the-top piece about how I think sitcom stars should be hunted down and exiled to an island, and then trying to turn it around with a "whoooa, sounds like someone watches too much tv..." observation, right?

Cause... that was the joke.

That's the idea, but the jab was directed at people who would take these news pieces to be bits of earth-shattering revelations, not so much at you.

What do you expect from a child actor/ex cop who got shot quit that and back into television.

Ahh, yes, I'm with you on that...

To be honest, though, I think about Michaeld Richard's racist tirade at least once every episode... Damn it. Why can't I just enjoy his zany antics?