NEWS: An Army Travels On Its Stomach, While A Navy Floats On Its Fake Tits

CULTURE: An Army Travels On Its Stomach, While A Navy Floats On Its Fake Tits

Even during an election year, not every governmental non-event can be properly inflated by both politicians and the media into a full-blown non-scandal. To really grab the attention of the public, you need something extra. Like wide-stanced homosexual foot-tapping (in public restrooms, not in the audience for the Broadway musical version of Xanadu).

Or in Australia’s case, tits.

See, didn’t that catch your eye?

Yes, on the eve of the upcoming Australian general election, the opposition Labor Party has brought up the ever-important wedge issue of tits.

Specifically, the new fake tits belonging to two female sailors in the Australian Navy.

These controversial fake tits were paid for by Australian taxpayers, as opposed to politically acceptable methods of fake tit payment such as a pile of sweat-and-glitter-soaked $20 bills fished out of a stripper’s g-string or cashing out a trust fund for a daughter’s graduation gift in lieu of a pony.

Australia’s Department Of Defence defends the fake tits, claiming that they were approved for psychological reasons, not simply to make the sailors “look sexy”. However, the Labor Party has grabbed on to the fake tit issue, claiming that allowing taxpayer money to fund free cosmetic surgery for people in the Australian military “smacks of a government out of touch”.

In case you think the non-issue of fake tits and real guns doesn’t translate well across the Pacific, think again. In the United States, a similar non-scandal perked up back in 2004 when an article in the New Yorker exposed our military’s own set of fake tits.

Yes, the United States military also uses taxpayer funds to pay for cosmetic surgery. However, the Army, the Air Force and the Navy were quick to dispel the impression that Vivid Video was now a co-sponsor, clarifying that while some cosmetic surgical procedures were offered for free or at a reduced cost to active-duty soldiers, they took a back seat to reconstructive surgeries and allowed military surgeons to improve their overall skills.

Personally, I’m not opposed to offering cosmetic surgery as a perk to folks in our armed forces. Of course, I’d hope that they were also offered enough body armor and time with their families, but apparently you go to ill-advised poorly planned war with the fake tits you have, not the fake tits you want to have.

If anything, I think the United States military should pay for more surgical procedures for our troops and their family members.

Like, say, abortions.

Under current federal law, the United States military cannot pay for abortions except in cases of incest, rape or when the life of the mother is in danger.

When the pregnant wife of a Navy sailor discovered the child she was carrying suffered from severe brain damage and would not survive past childbirth and decided to have an abortion, the Navy told her she’d have to pay all of the $3,000 cost. Unable to afford the medical costs, she sued the Navy and won, only to have the ruling overturned by a federal appeals court.

At least once she’s done using her minimum-wage salary to pay off her medical debts and has dealt with the emotional anguish of having lost her child, the Navy might just reward her with something that’s obviously a much more important use of taxpayer funds.

Fake tits!

The grammatical mistakes in this title are absolutely mind-boggling.

So, its the title that bothers you?

Not anymore, as it's been thankfully fixed. Glad to see I've made an impact in society.

Print this out and put it on your fridge. I already have two on mine.

wait...were they reductions or enlargements? because I can see large breasts affecting your ability to fight a war...but I can also see the value as well...breasts are distracting to enemy combatants as well.

General Petraeus.... fake tits....

Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place too?

On the other hand, if the Navy make her have the baby and it dies, then doesn't it pay the medical bills?

Plus she can then go "Look!! The Navy let my baby DIE!!!" and get the "aaaawwwww" sound from even the Fundies too.

Yes, I'm twisted and warped, and nobody trusts me with small children. Why do you ask?

I guess we could also question this:

Since the female essentially belongs to the government while she is in the military, wouldn't the infant also be government property?

I knew a couple of people who got implants while they were in the military. They only did it in a couple of hospitals and it was selective. When there is no war like there is now what do the reconstructive Dr's have to practice on? The pilots fly training missions to places like Atlantic City, Las Vegas, the infantrymen go to the fireing ranges, and out into the field for a month or so, the Dr's go do training in Central America, attend medical conventions, practice reconstruction by doing boob jobs, fixing people messed up in a car crash etc.

There's some good points in the article, specifically about some of the apparent double standards in terms of what they'll cover and what they won't, but I have to take exception to how ignorantly breast enlargement surgery is portrayed in the article.

It's absolutely childish to be parading around the phrase "fake tits" a few times for a cheap thrill. Not all women who get breast enlargement surgery are porn stars or strippers, and it's fairly demeaning to be implying it.

What possible moral or ideological difference could there be between breast implants and any other form of body modification (including tattoos, body piercings, and more exotic procedures like elf ears? Women who get implants face the same kind of uphill battle that anyone who gets tattoos and piercings do, perhaps worse since I've never heard of either of those being interpreted as being indicative of promiscuity or loose morals.

It's all well and good to support and respect a woman's right to choose regarding her reproductive rights; I do too. But why not step up to support and respect her right to choose how big her breasts are?

Of course that New Yorker article also states that a woman getting breast enlargement surgery has to supply her own implants meaning it's hardly comped by the US military; they just pay to have them put in.

I'm glad to see the issues that really matter are gripping politicians with a mighty fervour.

Many of the girls I've known and currently know have faced the issue that having piercings and tats translates to, "Oh, she's a wild girl and will therefore _________ ."

The culture in Canada may be much different than in the States though.

Keep in mind, I learned all about Canada from Bob and Doug McKenzie....which pretty much makes me an expert.

I wonder if the abortion policy in the armed forces will change after the stats start to show a dramatic increase of birth defects in the children of service members exposed to the depleted uranium we've been adding to just about every shell and bomb we use in our 'crusade'?

Superb

You beat me to it. Great line.

It just occured to me that it"s Friday, and that fake tits could be a really brilliant form covert surveillance... nudge, nudge, ,

I honestly think this is a bunch of crap. Whether the service decides it's ok or not the unit should step in. They seemd more then happy to when I wanted to get Lasik while in the Army.
"Nope it'll cut into training time"
"What if I did it while on leave?"
"Nope"
Now why is the Navy saying sure get yourself some fake tits?
Psychological reasons my ass, that's what a shit load of pills and meds are for.
I think This is a waste of taxpayer's dollars. How does this really help the service? If I got Lasik my glasses would have been one less liability on the front lines while in Iraq. Trust me the only thing worse than getting blasted by an IED (roadside bomb) and walking away unscathed is realizing your glasses are broken. Sure I had an extra set on me but what if I hadn't?

Abortion- Isn't the life of the mother USUALLY in danger in the military?

nd free fake tits would be alot nicer if they were kevlar and ceramic.

maxflowz raises a very interesting point. Elective surgery has to be cleared by the unit commander. My understanding is that this extends, in theory, to abortion. So not only will the armed forces not pay for an abortion but they could deny the request to have one done, even if it was off-base and the woman paid for it out of pocket. Of course, the way around this would be to have it done and not tell anyone. Still, I find it troubling.

Fake tits, fake plans for resolving a war they don't even try to understand, and fake proposals for helping the people, it's all in the same boat. Float it, media navy, float it.

Campaign '08, Cthulu 'ho!

We are spending $4000 a minute on a police action in Iraq.What we get is some in a snit over a boob job, And there 's your sign!

GonzoChaote said:
It's absolutely childish to be parading around the phrase "fake tits" a few times for a cheap thrill. Not all women who get breast enlargement surgery are porn stars or strippers, and it's fairly demeaning to be implying it.

Not all porn stars and strippers get "fake tits"...and it's fairly demeaning to imply it.


The Gringo, of course...everything in a military person's life is dictated and owned by the government.

I also think it's bullshit they use the "phychological" front. There is no reason they should give my money to fake tits (which has absolutely no bearing on whether or not someone could do their job well...even in stripping and porn Gonzo)when other soldiers need it for actual medical issues such as lasik, abortions of brain dead babies, and extensive therapy after shooting at people and having people shoot at them among a slew of other things. I mean, what the fuck are they thinking?

Australian tax payers fund fake tits.

American tax payers fund fake wars.

Damn, I think we are getting the raw end of the deal.