NEWS: Abused? "Just Leave."

Anotheer thing for her to check into, if she is concerned about what may happen if/when her ex has visitation, is the possibility of only supervised visitation, ie. with his family, if she is comfortable with them. I can't see any judge turning that down if the reason for the split is domestic abuse.

I don't think that word means what you think it means.

Please read this entire series:

http://www.cleveland.com/johanna/

If that doesn't make you sick, nothing will.

Of course it's not easy but on what planet is that a valid excuse for anything? If you want to stick it out yourself that's one thing but if you have a child you have a responsibility.

S'ok, you don't need your voice to type I know what you mean though.

I understand why it can be hard to leave, but I can't understand not getting my kids out of a situation like that. I don't care who it is, you go near my kids, I rip your fucking head off, whether you're my husband, a random criminal, the Prime Minister, the Pope, whatever. My kids come before anything and anyone in the world. Even if they aren't being touched, seeing and hearing me being abused is going to warp the way they look at male/female relationships forever, and I would never set them up to be abused or to be abusive for the rest of their lives.

This would again be an ideal solution to that particular aspect of the problem. The only hting that may prove difficult is the fact that his family has already taken her side, and really want little to do with their son. Not having met them I can't make any judgments, only impressions, but I think they'd be willing to help for their grandson's sake if nothing else.

I think you described the problem my friend is facing perfectly. Her BF has nowhere to go. He looses her, with the house and most of their property in her name, he literally looses everything he has. He's like a cornered predator. All that more dangerous when he's out of options. Figuring out how to remove him safely is going be major challenge.

I don't think most people know what feminist means either...

when the shit hit the fan, my mom would run over to apartment #8. her name was "Lola". she was my mom's local form of salvation. my dad wouldn't have hesitated to kill Lola though, even though we hardly knew her, so imagine what he would have done to my mom if she tried to leave. i thank god for that fine woman, Lola; she owed us nothing, yet her life was put in jeopardy each time my child of a father could not control his drinking and his temper, and forced my mom to run to her aid to escape a beating.

so if you do now, don't think it's so easy to leave, unless you, at this very moment, could pack up your entire life and start anew somewhere completely different -- some place you've never been before, and resume a normal life in a matter of months, even years. i'm a single dude without kids, making a decent living, and i could not so easily. so what of her?

that being said, i do wish my mother at least tried to leave. yes, it would have been difficult for her, for us. and don't get me wrong, i don't begrudge her choice. but personally, i would rather be dead right now rather than to have his ghost still haunt and affect our lives the way it does. but like i said, i know it's not easy, and she very well made the best of what we had.

my mom was my Lola.

btw, if there are actually any men who beat their girls reading this right now: you make me fucking sick! I am generally a peaceful man, but you make me fucking see red, you weak, pathetic pieces of shit! Do the world a favor, and kill yourselves right now.

I know what you mean. I still get almost angry with my mom sometimes for not leaving sooner, as irrational as it is. And dealing with my issues with my dad have been easier than dealing with the codependency issues I still have with her.

Sometimes I want to call her and scream at her that it wasn't right for us to have to bring her ice packs after he knocked her around, that I still sleep with a pillow over my head because that is how I slept to try and block out the yelling. I still find myself wanting to be her 'savior' by trying to fix her problems, and it doesn't make it easier that she still wants me to.

I am blessed, just blessed that the man that I am married to is such a great father and husband. I swore that I would never put my kids through anything like that, and it is one of the few things I've stuck by in my life. I'm glad that I didn't follow in the cycle and that my kids will grow up in peace. Hell, in 8 years, I can probably count on one hand the times he has actually yelled at me.

Wow, it is like some motherfucking group therapy up in here, isn't it.

Nothing's so cut and dry. What if he isn't hitting the kid? Then she can either take her kid out of school, they can live in a shelter, and worry that dad's going to sue her for custody, saying she abducted his child from him, or she can stay, take the abuse, thinking she's doing what's in her child's best interest. Quite often, "just" leaving can seem more harmful to the children than staying.

When we left my dad, my mother took us out of a comfortable upper-middle class suburb, private school, etc. etc. into poverty. My dad never hit my sister or me, but that doesn't mean it wasn't an abusive household. He was an alcoholic who once locked my sister out of the house for leaving her bike out. Is it any surprise that women who stay in an abusive relationship for the sake of their children are considering that their responsibility?

*edited because I am not ready to talk about it*

*edited because I am not ready to talk about it*

Even if the children are not being hit, they are still being damaged. No child should have to grow up in an environment where they see, hear and live with constant violence, even if they aren't being hit themselves.

Especially if the alternative seems worse.

I don't care if I had to go from a comfortable lifestyle to dirt poor, I still would never subject my children to that. Nothing would stop me from getting away from someone who was damaging not only myself, but my children.

I´d like to smack every person with their own foot that oversimplifies the problem with the just leave statement. Its not like the abuse starts big like being hit or name calling. it starts very fine and almost insignificant like spilled salt on the table that slowly builds and builds as it is building you slowly are getting used to seeing it, to covering it when company comes, to ignore it because its soo insignificant almost to the point that you second guess yourself as to what it really is.. . I left, I left the state, I left the country and everything that ever felt like home so that I could be me without him. All because one day in high school i met a very charming guy that turned.. . What too extreme! I didn´t have any video or tape, but I couldn´t take a step without consent, It was never yelled at me, no he´d whisper it like a goodnight ¨fuck up honey and you won´t be very happy, night sweetie see you tomorrow!¨ Hardest part is when the people around you don´t believe you when they think your exaggerating, when they take their side because his soo sweet soo kind, helpful you should be grateful to be marrying such a man, well I wish I could have your luck.. . my bruises, my tears, my fears mean nothing to you so then I mean nothing to you it is after all just a lil spilled salt on the counter.....................................................in a better place where he can´t follow and i´m me

I have just seen the video and right near the end it took my breath away. The problem is that this goes on every single second of every single day somewhere in the world, it is a pandemic which needs to stop. However, I don't ever see it happening.

What struck me the most is that the tone he used, and the things he said to her were exactly the same as how my Dad used to be with my Mum and that was 25 odd years ago. This is the 2nd time I've encountered this. My friend had an abusive ex and he turned up at her house once, about 15 years ago, and his tone and wording was also very similar. Where do they get it from and how do they justify their behaviour to themselves?!

I agree that when you have children they have to come first. Therefore if you're in a violent relationship, it's going to affect them no matter what happens and therefore it is your parental duty to get out of it asap yet I also understand how these bastards bring the mothers down to such a low level they believe its their fault.

Education is key here I guess..............

The point you're missing, though, is that if she can't prove he's abusive, and he appears to have a better lifestyle, then it is likely he would get custody of the kids. In that situation, he could easily abuse them since she's not around. Siblings go through this a lot - the older one takes the abuse and is afraid to leave because the younger one will no longer be protected.

I imagine there is nothing worse than finally escaping the hell of an abusive relationship, only to have your kids torn from you and put back there - and there is nothing you can do about it.

You can't protect them if you're not there, and if you go back it will be so much worse.

also, there is a lot of denial and justification in many abuse cases. perhaps the woman can say to herself "well...he doesn't cheat, he doesn't hit me, and he's a good provider...i guess its not so bad." (meanwhile suffering through all sorts of emotional and verbal abuse- which may or may not lead to physical, but is abuse nontheless). sometimes the woman has convinced herself that she is the strong one for keeping the family together.

what seem like antiquated social mores are still alive and strong today. believe it or not, women still get support from society for "sticking it out."

on a side note- it doesn't surprise me that the abusive husband in the video was wearing a cross (from what i heard-couldn't watch it myself). while there are many progressive religious communities around today, generally, religion has never really supported the rights and independence of women.