NEWS: Abused? "Just Leave."

CULTURE: Abused? "Just Leave."

Y'all may or may not have seen the video that's making the rounds of the feminist blogs (I think it started at Echidne's place). It's a recording, by a 13-year-old kid (!) of his father emotionally and physically abusing his mother. Apparently the kid filmed it at the father's command.

I do NOT recommend watching it; it's absolutely awful.



Since I think no one should watch this horrific thing, I don't propose to talk about the content of it here. What I do want to talk about is one way people often talk about domestic violence. Both anti-dv activists and casual commenters about dv cases will often say, flat out, that the victim (usually a woman) "should just leave." (See the comments at the end of the YouTube link, for instance.)

In fact, just the other day I was in a restaurant with my son and for god only knows what reason they had Dr. Phil playing on the television. And the show was about a woman who was abused, and who had a small child (also abused), and Dr. Phil lit into her for not protecting her kid--she should "just leave."

Ugh. Here's my six-year old kid watching it, and asking me questions.

"I hate Dr. Phil," I tell him. "I wish they'd turn this off."

"Why?" he asks. "What are they talking about?"

"Um. Well, this woman is married to a man who is mean to her. And he's mean to their kid. And Dr. Phil is yelling at the woman for being a bad mother because she doesn't leave the man and take her child."

"But shouldn't she? If he's mean to them?"

"Well, yes, she should. But it's not that easy, and it's not her fault that the man is mean to them. Dr. Phil is blaming her when the person who is being mean is her husband, not her."

"Why isn't it that easy?"

"Well, let's see if I can explain. When you're married to someone, it's a legal agreement, right? And they have a kid, right?"

"Yeah..."

"So, it's hard to break a legal agreement, first of all. Second of all, where could she go? Say she goes to stay with her mama. What if that makes the man really angry, and he comes after her, and hurts her even worse? What if she feels like even though the man is mean to his kid sometimes, there are other ways he's a good papa? What if she feels like, because he is so mean to her, it's kind of her fault, so she's too embarrassed to try to get help?"

"She looks really embarrassed and sad on that show. Dr. Phil does seem to be kind of being mean to her."

"Yeah. You know how it is: if someone yells at you, then you feel even worse if someone else yells at you. What she needs is for Dr. Phil or someone to tell her, not that she's a bad mama, but that she's a good person who shouldn't be treated that way. They should offer to help her, not scold her because someone else is mean to her and her kid."

Now, if I can explain this to a little boy of six, you'd think more adults would get it. Jill of Feministe explains it better than I did (would that my kid could just read blogs, sometimes). Appropriately, since she's writing for grownups, she doesn't pull as many punches as I did in my explanation to my son.

Interestingly--and ahem, sexistly (I know that's not a word)--in most states that have duty to retreat laws, the duty to retreat--that is, to give ground to an aggressive or threatening person rather than to fight back with deadly force--does not apply in one's own home. If someone breaks into your home, and you have reason to be afraid of them, then you are within your legal rights if you shoot them. I would wager that to most of us, this seems quite reasonable.

Unless you're a victim of domestic violence and the person who is threatening you is your partner. In which case the duty to retreat is yours: you are legally required, most of the time, to leave your own home rather than to fight back against a threat, even a possibly lethal one. Arguing against this law by invoking "battered woman syndrome" requires one to argue, not simply that it was my house, dammit, I have a right to feel safe there, I have a right to defend my person and property; it requires you to argue that you are essentially crazy--that you have some kind of medical mental condition that caused you to act irrationally. In other words, that there's something wrong with you--not the abuser.

Even the law amounts to, "just leave."

But god knows, Jill is right: it is not that easy. One of the things that kind of took me up short after my son was born was realizing that I had a lot less freedom than I had before--not from him (though that's a stumper, as well), but from my husband. Who I love and adore and who would never hurt me, yadda yadda--but if he did, how the fuck would I just walk? I'd have to take diapers. I wouldn't want to take my son to a shelter! I'd have to pack clothes for him, and some toys! Now that he's older, I could lose the diapers, but I'd have to explain to him what was happening--and like all kids, he'd want to know what we were going to do next, what was going to happen. How the hell would I explain that? How could I possibly find us a place to live, how could I even get us across town, without a job and money of my own? How would I get my hands on my paychecks, which are mailed to my house?

Like I say, none of this is going to happen to me. Thank god. But like Jill says,

Bitch_PhD heard just yesterday from P., a college friend--a former colleague and friend of P's was shot over the weekend by her ex-husband, against whom she had a restraining order, in front of their two young children, when he came to pick them up for a supervised visitation. My friend, whose children are the same age, went to her dead friend's memorial service last night.

About the video, I will say this: that was a really fucking stupid thing to do. God knows how the husband would react if he saw the kid with the camera.

About everything else, you're right. Dr Phil is a certified Oprah Tool. He probably believes in that Secret bullshit too.

It is hard to "just leave" my mother was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused by her father from a very young age, when she got into her teens she finally tried several times to run away. Each time, when she found refuge with relatives, they would believe her father over her and turn her in. Finally at age 17 she found a relative that didn't turn her in, he still finally tracked her down and even came to her work place (fortunately her boss didn't let the fucker in. The near miss terrified her though and so the very same day she enlisted in the army and permanently got beyond the monster's reach. So as you can see it isn't easy to "just leave"

edited for spelling error and FIRST!
...darn now I'm second...

As I said, it's pretty clear in the video that the husband *made* the kid film it.

well, the father ordered the kid to record it. it was taped on purpose....

The other thing is up to that point he did everything just to her...when she finally completely got away from him he started on her sisters...and now they completely hate her for leaving them behind. It really sucks stay and take it or leave and know that your sisters aren't safe...tough call. Yes there are places she could have gone to (these days), but back then the law favored the father.

A lot of things in life are hard. A lot of things in life are wrong and unfair. It's hard to break any kind of addiction, or pull away from a situation of dependency. It takes courage and determination. For sure.

A battered women's shelter. They have them in many communities. If not, to a friend, or family member. Or the police.

That would be bad. Might be best to file a complaint with the police. Eventually move out. Put a restraining order on the brute.

Then she has got to look at her codependent way of thinking and stop making excuses for the violent scumbag.

Well, try therapy. It's NOT her fault. Victims ought to stop blaming themselves, just as Dr Phil ought to stop blaming the victim. (I'm not blaming her, I'm talking about taking responsibility for your life and your choices).

Stop making excuses. No one deserves to be physically abused. There are resources out there to help: women's shelters, police, therapy, legal assistance...

Break the pattern. Get out of the Victim Mentality. It's an addictive pattern of relationship behavior which can be changed.

Everyone's situation is different with special obstacles and dangers. I'm not generalizing or implying that "it's her fault if she chooses to stay in an abusive relationship."

I recently finished reading Lisa Crystal Carver's post-punk memoir "Drugs Are Nice."
Her story is inspirational. She was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic and she had a disabled toddler to care for. She took a lot of verbal and emotional abuse in the course of that relationship but when he physically attacked her, she called the cops and got the hell out with the kid, regained her self-respect and had no regrets about leaving.

No, read, the kid was told by the father to film it. So it wasn't the kid who was stupid, it was the father. Thank god he's gone for 36 years.

You're missing the point shapeshifter23 the point is when you're in that kind of situation your mind gets tied up within the fear...and trust me there's a lot of fear. It's a neverending nightmare in their minds. They can't believe that some shelter will keep them safe from something that's been tormenting them for years. Obviously there are services and yes abused women (and men) should be encouraged to leave and get the help that's available...often times it doesn't occur to them while they are IN the situation. It's so frustrating for me to see this shit keep happening and to see how clueless everyone really is about how painful and terrifying the experience can be. The fear locks you away where every aid seems like an unreachable paradise. Just close to home to me damn it and I want to see things change!

this is disturbing, especially involving the son. at first i thought they might be role-playing, but if the son was really there, its criminal. ive had female friends who get turned on by stuff like that ; friends who considered themselves hardcore feminists, and argued a true feminist wouldn't call the sexual 'role-playing' misogynistic, because it was what she wanted.

this piece of shit 'father', for lack of a better word, should obviously be removed from society. were i to witness such shit, id undoubtedly want to kill him. he obviously has no appreciation of women as anything other than a target. to involve his son shows explicitly that he has no respect for her, or his family. i hope he's the target now.

the woman is trapped here because of the kids, but seeing the son tape the abuse at the father's command is perhaps what caused her to finally come to the correct evaluation, conclusion and decision.

I think "just leaving" is terribly oversimplified. People forget that many -- if not all of our supports -- outside of the nuclear family tend to be located in the same geographic area. Even if they're outside of the area, the abuse often knows these locations and will eventually come calling.

Locally there was a murder of a woman, by her ex-husband. The both lived in the same local area. She was killed with their child watching at a gas station. For a woman to truly leave she not only uproots and leaves her family behind, but she literally leaves everything behind.

Children, as explained in the article also complicate matters. The woman being berated by Dr. Phil was supposed to protect her children, but how is she to flee for true safety and avoid kidnapping charges from her abuser? Woman describe domestic violence as being imprisoned, and thanks to events in my area and this article, I can truly see why.

Of course it's not that easy to "just leave." Many important things in life are neither easy nor without risk. Should the woman be blamed for placing the child's health in jeopardy when it's the guy who is violent? Fuck no, not in a million years. Should a guy who beats his wife and children eat jail food for a couple decades? That's the least he should have to endure. But leaving IS possible. There certainly should be places that women can go for help, to stay safe and start a new life.
In the 1930s my then 17 year old great grandmother left her arranged violent husband and Italy for NY with my one year old grandmother and her 2 year old brother. Two years later they left Duluth Minnesota in the middle of the night when he mistakenly got the wrong house. The folks he woke up knew her and sent their son to to her house to inform. I've not met too many people who had Lucy's courage, but I've not met ANYONE I had more respect for either.

I've only just read the article and I am embarrassed to admit that its only now the issue of domestic violence and abusive relationships has truly struck a deep chored with me. Up til now it's been somebody else's problem to me and I've felt secure in the knowledge that I know I wouldn't do that to someone. I can't even bring myself (in general) to call somebody stupid in an argument, and am more likely to say instead that they make bad choices .

But now I know that's not enough and I feel shitty for not doing more. Just because I'm incapable of such behavior is not sufficient. What can I do to help? I don't want to give money and I don't want to protest- I want to do more. Can you suggest anything? Is there a way to help people get out and to protect them once they're out? I've seen too many instances where a restraining order is insufficient.

That video is haunting,

Random aside (not meant to detract from my statements above, the gravity of the issue, or the brutali impact of the video) - in the photos from when they first met, the husband looks like Rick James .

This is the first time I agree with Bitch_PhD 100%.

Damn right Morgan those are all excellent suggestions, and since you covered most of the bases I'll follow with the simple. Just be aware of people around you. Chances are high someone close to you suffers from abuse and you just haven't noticed. So notice the little things. There is a great feeling of shame associated with those being abused. It's something that can take years to work through with qualified councilors. But I digress... this shame keeps them pretending that everything is okay or even happy in their lives when it's anything but...so ask the hard questions and keep your eyes open. The next person you save could be someone you know!

It can be tough to volunteer for a women's shelter if you're a guy--for obvious reasons. There *may* be a d.v. shelter for gay men that you could volunteer for. I know that the lack of shelters for gay men is a huge problem, because (again for obvious reasons) women's shelters often won't take gay men in. If you've got a ton of energy you could even work on setting up a men's dv shelter in your area, too.

That and what Morgan said about getting involved with anti-dv organizations; I'd wager that having men speak out against dv to other men would be something a lot of them would love to have more of.

A very good point. Males that have been abused are too often overlooked or just told to "toughen up" because you're a man after all...aren't you? Too bad many of the shelters that take men are often christian institutions that often try to "reform" the gay man and make him a bible thumping horribly repressed man that will probably snap because he's constantly being told that his urges are wrong and unnatural. Back when I was involved in Wicca my coven leader was openly gay, and I learned much more about how to be accepting of the gay community. Coming out of a christian household it's been hard but I'm glad that many of those misconceptions and fears have been stripped away. One thing I must absolutely make clear though...not all gay men have been abused. Though I know plenty that have been. Sadly, the "you're gay because you were abused plank" is often used by christian councilors to convince the gay man that his sexual preferences are only the result of his abuse and not because he was born that way. It really doesn't make a different. Whatever make people happy. Let live I say! Treat the abuse the poor man has suffered but don't try to convince the poor guy that he's sick and twisted because he's gay...So in closing, lets have more clinics that help men, not make them more conflicted than they already are!

I'm not sure that the phrase "just leave" is always meant to imply that leaving is an easy thing to do, but that it's the only thing to do.

"What options do I have to get him to stop?"

"Just to leave him"

Leaving is certainly a hard thing to do, I don't think anyone is saying that it is easy. But how do you convince someone you care about to get out of that situation?

Agreed! My grandfather was an extremely charming, extremely charismatic man. Everyone thought the best of him...and behind it all he was this monster.

You can't always.

It took my step mom 20 years before she left my father.

He was never physically abusive to where he punched or hit her, but he would hold her down, push her, repeatedly had affairs, and was extremely verbally abusive to my mom, me, my brother, and my half-sister.

From my own experience, I don't believe that domestic abuse (in any form) starts off strong immediately. I believe that the abuse escalates slowly over time to where the victims acclimate to it and eventually accept it as part of their daily lives.

Very few stories or videos make me break down and become emotional but this one hit way too close to home.

My father never hit my mother to my knowledge, but he did once corner her when she confronted him about an affair he was having for more than a year. They were both yelling at each other and all three of us ran downstairs in a panic. He had her backed up in the kitchen yelling at her and she reached for a knife for protection. He grabbed it out of her hand and bent it over the counter until it broke in two. He towered over her and was screaming at her as she cowered. I've tried to remember what he was yelling but it was all one loud blur.

Like the many times before, she tried leaving him but once he realized she was serious about leaving, he poured the charm on and made his usual empty promises to her and us. Just like before, it was only a matter of months before he got right back into his typical role of verbally defeating us all.

He would manipulate us against one another which made us all paranoid and nobody really talked after a while. We just went through the motions of being a family.

He would then criticize each of us alone, and break us down to where we believed he was the only one we had in this world.

It was shortly after this time at age 10 that I attempted suicide for the first time. I swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills. My mom found me in the bathroom with a stomach ache and rushed me to the hospital where I was given a liquid which made me vomit violently into this large stainless steel bowl that was put in front of me.

The second time was in our pool. I think I was 14 or 15. I went to the bottom of the jacuzzi and locked myself in position where your feet go. It's hard to explain, but it's a round jacuzzi with a continuous seat that is in a circle. Below is enough room that if you tuck in and then spread out to fill the space, you can stay down. I blacked out and my first memories from that point was my father trying to talk to me. When I went unconscious, I wasn't able to maintain my position underwater and I floated to the top and my father found me.

I was required to go to therapy but because I was afraid to be honest - I lied to the counselor and said it was just an accident because 1) I felt counseling was for crazy people and 2) I wanted to protect the very monster I was trying to escape from.

I have no clue why I'm typing this because I can literally count on one hand how many people I've shared this with outside my family.

To this day, I have a very close relationship with my mom, and haven't spoken with my biological father for at least 5 years. My half-sister is just now realizing that she needs to sever that relationship. Sadly, my brother still feels like he needs my father's approval and keeps in contact with him.

Sorry for the rant. I should probably SPOILER it.