NEWS: Damn, That Snake Should've Had a Warning Label

CULTURE: Damn, That Snake Should've Had a Warning Label

I realize that "stupid people" news items aren't the most challenging targets in the world. I've written up a few on here and, yes, it is a nice feeling, mocking the stupid, but after enough idiotic examples they all sort of blend together and seem not that funny...

Annnnd then someone puts a rattlesnake in their mouth.

Thanks buddy, you've made me a believer again... The slack-jawed and idiotic are fine subjects to write about.

And really, what girl isn't impressed by a man willing to put a filthy, poison-filled creature into their mouth-hole? Clearly this stunt went awry, but, in a perfect world, what was the outcome he was going for? What's the desired reaction after doing something like this? Instant sex? Awkward silence before a whispered request to "stop that"? What was supposed to happen here? The world may never know.

Look for the non-funny version of this scene, starring Dane Cook as the snake-bit, jerkoff trying to mumble his way through a quickly swelling mouth, next year at theatres everywhere... I would avoid those theatres.

Ahhh... Nothin like chasing some "stupid stuff," with a shot of rattlesnake venom! I call it the "fucktard" and you can find it at the bar outside the theatre I mentioned above.

Wait, how are you so drunk that you forget you're holding a live snake... that is alive?

And you don't immediately notice it when you pick up something else with the same hand?

I picture him running errands, brushing his teeth, petting stray dogs all before finally noticing he's still holding onto a VENEMOUS killing tube.

I'll leave you with this, drunks. Keep in mind, there are many, many non-lethal animals you can insert into your mouth with zero risk other than a possible sternly worded letter from PETA. I say, do it.



TheCoolerKing realizes that Rahodeb briefly touched on this topic earlier, however, he was unwilling to waste the 30 seconds he'd already spent pondering the subject.

I read this story when it was referred to in the previous article but I have to say, it's even funnier the second time around.

eL. Oh. eL.


That is all.

He didn't realize he was holding a venomous snake after a SIX PACK?! psh I guess he had to impress his ex girlfriend after she broke up with him for being a light weight...

i bet you his ex is highly impressed and is calling him at this very moment wanting him to come back to her.

The highlight of this article is the usage of the phrase "killing tube."

I bet earlier in the day he was running around the house tearing shit up, yelling "Where's my snake? Where'd I put my snake?" and then his girlfriend said, "it's in your hand silly!" and they both had a very good laugh about it.

yeah. that line alone pretty much justifies the second article.

Ok, all I can say is thanks. After a long night/day with the little one, I needed that

hahahaha, I think this made me laugh more than the story

I need to see a picture of what an idiot like this looks like, before and after the tongue bite. As I said before, I am happy this was not a Southerner. PWT is everywhere.

...

I'm not sure I think doctors did the right thing when they saved his life. I think I'm going to need some convincing on that.

Ah, who the hell walks around carrying a live rattlesnake in the first place? The Dumb Ones are immortal, I tell you. Like fucking cockroaches.

"Fucktard"

Hee hee!

dumber than putting a snake in your mouth, drinking with an ex

my faith in mankind has diminished even further into the negatives.

ha ha. lightweight americans. i'm sure i'm going to recieve the wrath of your whole continent when i say, americans are ALL lightweights when it comes to boozing. guys the whole going and getting drunk is to do it slowly, over a few hours. then shit like this doesn't happen. Plus i suppose we don't have ANY lethal reptiles/spiders/stingrays etc here, cos its too cold. we normally electrocute ourselves or use cars to kill ourselves.

So I live in a state that was 'Rattlesnake free' even though we've always had them around our area......ALWAYS.....

After denying their existence forever the state decided that maybe they should actualy check into it, I guess the complaints from parents feeling that the snakes were unsafe around communities with children were finaly getting overwellming.
We wanted them to get rid of the snakes.....I don't care if they were native to the area 200 years ago, we have plenty that won't kill you.

They didn't get rid of them.....they protected them, deemed the area a 'rattlesnake sanctuary' , proclaimed it very excitedly as the states only 'complete rattlesnake colony' and then decided that they should count them.

What good is it if you don't name the fuckers?

While counting said snakes one of the conservation officers actualy got bit.
Naturally the guy that was with him decided it was imparitive that he catch the already pissed off snake.....before helping the bitten man.
This may surprise you.....I mean it's TOTALY UNEXPECTED.......The second guy got bit BY THE SAME SNAKE.
They both lived, unfortunatly, after being life flighted to a distant hospital in a different state. Our hospitals don't keep anti-venom....since we don't have these snakes we have

This took place 2 years ago, 3 miles from where I grew up....I thought I'd share it with you

Love it! lol

It's pretty much impossible to die from a rattle-snake bite these days.. although trying by being bitten in the tongue is an exciting new attempt.

excellent use of the word "fucktard." hehe.

this is ridiculous.

He's no Billy Jack, that's for sure.

Points for use of fucktard. There are times when medicine should not step in and assist, this was one of them.

Some friends and I Were drinking in a Bar in Tokyo and asked the bartender to make us the strangest drink he got. He took out a key, Unlocked a safe and made us a drink under the bar. It tasted like sake but there was something different about it. When we asked what it was, he took a big clear Sake bottle and slammed it down on the table, In the bottle of a Dead Rattlesnake. Shocked, we laughed and one of us said

"I guess that Explains the Bite"

The bartender was really confused for a second, then looked at the bottle, then at us. Smacked himself in the forehead and said

"I.... Forgot to take the Venom out. So Sorry"

My mouth was numb for the rest of the night, which didn't make it any easier to down 190 proof Polish Vodka

A pub here used to have an enormous bottle of Thai wine with well over a hundred snake carcasses floating in it.

I regret having never drank from it.