Fabulous Ms. Morgan, whose birthday is this Friday BY THE WAY, AHEM, sent me this link to an "incredibly offensive" article in Cosmo that's got most of the feminist blogs justifiably angry. (More blogposts here.)

Pandagon's Amanda, I think, does the best job of explaining the problem.

I appreciate that Moe doesnt want to feel like a victim. It took me a week to admit Id been sexually assaulted after I was, and I was lucky to have friends at the time use words like molested and rape to put my head on straight.
....
It's this sense, this fear of admitting that being victimized says something about you that makes people embrace right wing rhetoric that blames the victims for playing the victim. Its an odd mental trick, this need to feel that a victim is only a victim if she labels herself as such, and then shes the one to blame if she does for grabbing that label and making everyone feel uncomfortable. I can attest that its not entirely unwise to live in denial of certain facts, because people react to victims, particularly victims of male dominance hate crimes like domestic violence or rape or even sexual harassment, as if they have a disease thats spreading. Domestic violence experts will point out that one way that the abusers isolate their victims is that people pick up that victim vibe from her and avoid her. Also, theres reason to believe that a lot of women who come out to mutual friends about it will have said friends side with him, either overtly or they will feel they have to help her, but the cooties effect kicks in and they find themselves distancing themselves from her.

But as she says: fuck them. It's part of the way dominance and power work: being weak is despicable and being victimized is shameful. After all, if you're going to believe that power accrues to those who deserve it, you have to buy into the corrolary--that getting fucked, literally or metaphorically, only happens to losers.

But look at the scenarios Cosmo puts forth as "gray rape".

After the dance, they went to Kevins room and, eventually, started making out. She told him flat out that she didnt want it to proceed to sex, and he said okay. But in a few minutes, he had pushed her down on the couch and positioned himself on top of her.

No. Stop, she said softly too softly, she later told herself. When he ignored her and entered her anyway, she tensed up and tried to go numb until it was over.

That's rape.

She and a coworker met a man in the bar of the hotel where they were staying. They ended up going with the man to a party, and then he and Shari returned to the hotel. On the way in, he kissed her deeply. They had a few more drinks at the hotel bar, and then he asked if she wanted to go to his hotel room to see some family photos.

She went to his room but after a few minutes said she needed to go. He pinned her on the bed and, according to Shari, sexually assaulted her. She struggled with him and managed to escape. Shari reported the incident to police but didnt press charges.

So's that.

They drank, they flirted, and then he invited her to his apartment. There, they kissed for a while, and things got more heated until Laura realized that he was taking off her underwear and entering her. She was drunk, but she says she was aware enough to say no. When he ignored her, she froze a common response, much like Alicias and he continued to have sex with her.

No he didn't. He raped her.

And you know, it's really not all that confusing for guys, no matter what Cosmo says.

Anthony Moniello, 24, a radio personality for ESPN, says, Ive had girls tell me I dont have sex on the first night. And I say, Thats fine, I respect that. Mind if I play with you a little bit? A girl will say no, she doesnt mind, then shell get so hot, shell say, Lets do it. Thats the scariest part. Is it then my responsibility to say no?

Yes. Welcome to the grownup world, where women and men are responsible for sex and for respecting their partner's expressed wishes.

One male student at George Washington University, a senior, recounted to the student newspaper that he had woken up naked and drunk next to a girl he didnt know. His friends later told him that the girl had bought him drinks the night before and volunteered to take him home. He ended up feeling taken advantage of that he wouldnt have hooked up with her if he hadnt been so wasted.

Of course he felt taken advantage of: he was raped.

Another senior at GW expressed his confusion like this: Sometimes Ill feel like a girl isnt sure, but then shell say yes and Ill think shes just being coy. If you regret it or she regrets it, does that make it assault?

It does if you "felt" she "wasn't sure" and pressured her into that "coy" yes. Again, boys, guess what? If you feel like your partner's not into it, then don't force the issue. See? Easy.

Last year, a 20-year-old female midshipman at the U.S. Naval Academy reported that the academys star quarterback, Lamar S. Owens Jr., raped her. She filed charges and, in a July 2006 court-martial of Owens, said that she had been drinking and could recall very little beyond waking up in her bed in the middle of the night to find Owens having sex with her.

Owens testified that she had invited him to her room during an instant message conversation, and that after a few caresses, they began to have sex. After two minutes, he reportedly said, she stopped responding, and he left her room. The young woman testified that she could not remember sending the messages to Owens and that someone had closed the instant-message window on her computer, so they werent retrievable.

A toxicologist for the defense reportedly said that the young womans blood-alcohol level showed that she was legally intoxicated, which means she may not have been able to give consent. Nonetheless, the rape charge against Owens was dropped because the five officers on the military jury believed that evidence indicated he had been invited to her room. During his testimony, Owens reportedly said it was a case not of rape but of sex going bad.

Nope, it's rape. Being invited to someone's room doesn't give you a license to fuck them.

Cosmo goes on to ask, rhetorically, "How do you avoid being a victim without giving up the right to be sexually independent and assertive?" Duh. By being sexually independent and assertive.

Which includes not making excuses for rapists.

Bitch_PhD thinks the best way to prevent rape is to teach boys to take no for an answer.

code_red

Portland, OR

July 2005

SEP 17, 2007 10:07 PM

this is why I don't read Cosmo.

fabulous commentary.

Formus

Milwaukee, WI

May 2007

SEP 17, 2007 10:08 PM

Hahaha. Essentially what that article says is "date rape is acceptably gray." Hahahahahahahaha. Cosmo is written by men, I swear to god. How else do they know 40776475 ways to please them?

xfinitex

East Lansing, MI

August 2005

SEP 17, 2007 10:15 PM

Wow. I don't really know how to respond after reading that. Just wow.

But yeah, just read an article on women's magazines in my 'American Women Authors' class and I'm convinced that Men still write those magazines, just like they did in the fifties, the era of the house wife heroine.

TommyJohn

Ellington, CT

September 2005

SEP 17, 2007 10:19 PM

Now please don't flame me as a rapist or any of that jazz....but when this scenario comes up

"Anthony Moniello, 24, a radio personality for ESPN, says, "I've had girls tell me 'I don't have sex on the first night.' And I say, 'That's fine, I respect that. Mind if I play with you a little bit?' A girl will say no, she doesn't mind, then she'll get so hot, she'll say, 'Let's do it.' That's the scariest part. Is it then my responsibility to say no?"

Yes. Welcome to the grownup world, where women and men are responsible for sex and for respecting their partner's expressed wishes."

you made the point to emphasize the "and men" part of being responsible for sex by italicizing it. Now....shouldn't you have italicized them both because the woman made two contradictory statemenst? nowhere does he imply any kind of inebriation. The girl said no, then later said yes. I understand that you should respect a girl's wishes with what she first says, but don't bash JUST the guy for that specific scenario. The woman should respect the fact that it's damn confusing when they say two different things without any kind of drug/alcohol involved. If this scenario is gonna be gone, then they've gotta stick to their guns. If no means no...then don't say yes. But i dunno....i'm just trying to get a better understanding here.

Everything else was clear cut rape though....

"Gimme a written notarized contract and we can bump uglies....till then i'm keepin out" - A friend of mine from UConn.....probably offensive, but it was appropriate for this conversation.

TNTKatie

Elgin, IL

January 2007

SEP 17, 2007 10:21 PM

Bitch_PhD thinks the best way to prevent rape is to teach boys to take no for an answer.

amen

Vestril

Coronado, CA

February 2003

SEP 17, 2007 10:24 PM

Anthony Moniello, 24, a radio personality for ESPN, says, "I've had girls tell me 'I don't have sex on the first night.' And I say, 'That's fine, I respect that. Mind if I play with you a little bit?' A girl will say no, she doesn't mind, then she'll get so hot, she'll say, 'Let's do it.' That's the scariest part. Is it then my responsibility to say no?"

Yes. Welcome to the grownup world, where women and men are responsible for sex and for respecting their partner's expressed wishes.

Uh, what? If a girl says "let's do it" it's my responsibility to deny her? If a girl says she doesn't want to have sex with me and later changes her mind and wants to have sex with me, it's rape? You're really hard to take seriously.

Really though, what am I thinking. Women are conditioned from birth to do as men say, so anytime I have sex with a woman it's rape--she's only doing it because she was programmed to. The only acceptable non-rape sex is homosexual. Clearly.

Seriously though, rape seems fairly clear cut to me. It's not gray rape if a person says no and another person ignores them and has sex with them, it's regular, vile rape. If one person is wasted drunk and the other is sober, that sounds like rape to me. The fun part is when both people are drunk; I remember a story not too long ago where this girl was drunk and had sex with this guy, who was also drunk, and realized in the morning that she wasn't interested so therefore he "raped" her. Right. Technically they raped each other, since they were both too drunk to give consent, but being drunk isn't an excuse for breaking the law. Sounds like a wash to me.

Bitch_PhD thinks the best way to prevent rape is to teach boys to take no for an answer.

I take no for an answer just fine thanks.