NEWS: Brad Warner's Hardcore Zen: Your Life is Not Your Own (Sorry)

CULTURE: Brad Warner's Hardcore Zen: Your Life is Not Your Own (Sorry)

Last week I was in Boulder, Colorado where people have long discussions with their sushi chef about whether or not the mackerel and squid they serve is fished sustainably. I’m from Akron, Ohio where the most likely conversation with a sushi chef is, “Take this back, it’s not even cooked!” By the time most of you read this I’ll be on my way to Japan where I will try and find out what the fuck is going on with the company I work for and then go lead a four day Zen retreat.

While I was in Boulder at the sushi shop where people worry about sustainable fish there was a dude outside on the street panhandling. There are tons of panhandlers in Boulder, nearly all of them young, White, healthy and looking like the only thing they’ll use your spare change on is recreational drugs. This particular White panhandler, not quite as young as most of them, had obviously used some heavy drugs in his past -- perhaps even his immediate past -- and put some serious wear and tear on his body. He was getting pretty belligerent with his companions and I kept my eye on him to see if he started heading towards the restaurant’s patio where I was sitting. Eventually he moved on somewhere down the street.

Seeing that guy made me realize that my life really isn’t my own. We all imagine that our lives and our bodies are our own possessions to do with as we please. We figure as long as we don’t do something really egregious like knife our next door neighbor or go shoot up the local grade school it’s nobody’s business what we do with ourselves. But I wonder if that’s really true.

When that hobo was doing all his drugging and drinking and whatever else got him into the state he was in, he probably thought, “Fuck the rest of the world! I’m living my life the way I want!” Of course, I can’t put words into his mouth. But I know that I have felt this way for most of my own life. If I wanted to take acid it was my own brain I was fucking with and nobody had any right to tell me not to. If I wanted to stay out all night partying, I was the one who had to deal with the consequences the next day so screw anybody who had any opinion about it. If I wanted to eat junk food instead of being healthy it was my own body and that was none of anyone else’s concern.

But now I’m starting to doubt that attitude.

Of course if people want to look or dress a certain way society has no business telling them not to. Just because someone doesn’t like your tattoos doesn’t mean you need to remove them. And just because someone doesn’t like your Mohawk doesn’t mean you need to get a Jay Leno style blow-dry do. Your choice of a life partner is nobody else’s bee’s wax either -- except, of course, your life partner’s. Making a decision about whether or not to have an abortion or vote Republican is a very personal matter and no one else needs to be consulted.

It's also not your duty to keep everyone you meet satisfied. Most people are so thoroughly fucked they don’t have the vaguest clue what they really need or even what they really want. Yet they insist upon demanding that others satisfy their confused ideas about what they think life owes them. Life owes you nothing, people. But I see this attitude all the time in my role as a Zen teacher. People have a lot of bizarre ideas about what I should do or what I should say and they have no compunctions about demanding I play the role they’ve assigned me. I’m sure you get this too. We all do. Sorry friends. That don’t fly in B-Town.

But having said that -- which is so obvious it’s a shame it needs to even be stated -- your life still isn’t really just yours alone. This is why I don’t do drugs. If I get high I’m asking the rest of the world to take care of me. I can’t drive. I can’t find the little hole in the front of my undershorts. And most importantly if some kind of emergency comes up I’m of no use at all. I’m shirking my duties as a human being for the sake of a shallow thrill. If I don’t keep my body in reasonable shape I’m also impinging on others. I take up more than my fair share of space on an airplane or bus. I get pissed off easy because my body never feels right so I can’t think straight. If I get angry or otherwise over emotional it’s never my own personal affair. I spread that anger to others through my careless actions, since when you’re angry you never, ever, ever act reasonably. Never. If I get depressed I force others to deal with my black moods. If I get distracted I might run over somebody’s kitty cat.

This is why I do Zazen too. I discovered that when I didn’t do it my body and mind were too scrambled up for me to interact with anyone in a sensible way. It was through this practice that I began to see very clearly that I was not my own possession. I am a manifestation of the universe, duty bound to take full responsibility for everything I encounter. And everything I encounter is everything in the universe.

Look. You’re an asshole. Seriously. A complete asshole. You have no idea what you are or what you’re supposed to be doing. Yet you run around all of creation like it’s some cheap-ass toy Santa gave you that you’re now gonna break and then cry until Santa gives you another one. Cuz there are a million of them all lined up on shelves at the store. Hooting and hollering your ugly head off at three in the morning and waking all the people on the street. Turning your moronic music up as loud as it can go to show the world who you really are. Racing your Harley down Sunset Boulevard at full speed. Dreaming of enlightenment you can buy in a box from some windbag Zen Master and leave in your car while you go out and buy something else. Hanging out at tawdry meditation seminars hoping some genius guru will show you The Light, paying him good money for garbage fantasies. You’re fucking useless. Totally fucking useless. The universe is yours and all you want to do with it is write your name in spray paint on the wall. You’re like a dog pissing on a fence. No one who sees the mark you left on the world could give a shit.

But sit quietly and even a piece of gibbon’s dung like you can see it. There’s no one in the universe but you. You spread out all the way past the farthest galaxies and that’s just the beginning. Your thoughts are all stupid. Your perceptions are completely wrong. There’s nowhere you can be but here. There’s nothing you can know that’s worth knowing. You have no future or past and yet you’ll always be here. And because of this you are God’s eyes and ears on this world.

Pay a little attention, butt wipe.

Brad Warner will be in Akron, Ohio November 7,2007 at the Akron Public Library

Brad Warner is the author of Hardcore Zen and Sit Down and Shut Up!. He maintains a blog about Buddhist stuff. If you're in Southern California and you want to try some Zazen for yourself, he has a group that meets every Saturday in Santa Monica. This is open to anyone who wants to show up.

:')

A shame more people have not questioned what they are, much less awoken to it. However, I'm hesitant to expect others to bear all the responsibilities I do. Afterall, though everything is One, each person has their own path. Yes, perhaps certain burdens should be shouldered by all (abstaining from murder, ill will toward others, etc), but that can quickly lead to a Catch 22 if you're not careful. Expecting others to behave in a way you deem appropriate/right/true is certainly born from our ego/mind, as stated. Our conciousness does not judge, only our superficial mind.

very interesting, Brad. are these the words you use in your seminars and such? (i'm not that informed on what you do and haven't read a whole lot of your writing yet, so i just thought i'd ask). just wondering how well that works. i've studied a bit of zen and other buddhism, practiced a tad, taken drugs, and just generally thought a lot about a lot of shit. sometimes i try to pass on what i think i understand, and sometimes even take to be universal truths i've somehow stumbled upon amid a moment of clarity. but i generally have found that when i confront people right out with the hard-up truth, like, hey you're a fucking asshole and i am too and no one gives a shit but it doesn't matter because even though you're just a speck in god's eye you're still a speck in GOD's EYE! people don't seem to take it as coming off well. so, i guess i'm just wondering if this is actually what works best for you, or if it's reserved for SG? then, again, i probably have trouble making sense period. must be all that acid i took years ago.
thanks for sharing.

I liked it.

Although this is coming from a guy who's koan is "anal magic" so you can take that commendation accordingly.

altring, it only makes sense to think this way about yourself. Other people will do what they do. If you wait for them to get enlightened before you try, you'll wait forever.

You're pretty good at judging people, for a Buddhist (I thought Christian fundamentalists alone had that responsibility). And about expecting everyone else to abide by your straight-edge philosophy (another fundamentalist trait there - are you sure you picked the right religion?)

No offense, though. Keep on meditatin'... love and respect to you...

Never read your column before, but I like what I'm reading. It's a nice kick in the ass.

if what he writes makes sense to one person, job well done...

i think that's less judging and more calling them like he sees them. you'll note that he didn't say they're wrong or evil, he just said they're getting high, which as someone who lives in san francisco you oughtta know is the plain truth

good rant with a hint of bitter "self" reflection...

This is my philosophy and why I don't believe in god or any other imaginary friends. I, you, we are supernovas inexorable march to know itself.

*cough cough*

bit of a bitter buddhist... init?!

Well, I'm as guilty as anyone, but I gotta say, I liked the rant. It made sense. This is probably the happiest I've been to be called a piece of gibbon's dung. Well, maybe second happiest.

You could have just simplified and said people suck, therefore you suck. Course I have a feeling this is just an angry rant after hearing some bad news, stress or...whatever else. Personally, I found that it's better to break these things down on the inside rather than vent out on an SG news column.
But, we all have our ways...

I agree, unlike fundamentalists christians (who im sure dabble as well, and also panhandle for jesus) he isnt making a baseless judgement, or really even a judgement for that matter, if you arent capable of taking care or yourself, you are dumpkin it on someone else, you might as well panhandle, oh, wait, nevermind.

Blah blah some of you! One purpose of writing a column is to give opinion. He just gave his.
Basically, what I got out of it is that how you interact with the world even minutely obviously has an effect, good, bad or otherwise. A drop of rain in the pool ripples outwards and hits other ripples. Maybe that angry rant became someone's kick in the ass and maybe it just pissed you off.... look at it as a challenge to expand what you are doing and thinking whether you agree or not.

At least you were enlightened enough to leave Ohio.

Seriously we all could use some more time meditating and there are a lot of shitheads that believe you should do there bidding, or else.

I liked this article. I also know a couple people who could benefit from reading it. Well done.

Yeah, I agree with that. Good point.

Just out of curiousity... What do you say to those "panhandlers" who enjoy the freedom of not being tied to a house/car/whatever payment? Who really *do* want to live that way, and do so without bitterness? Wouldn't that be more zen than the material life most of us live?

Along those lines.... Have you ever read "Dharma Bums" by Jack Kerouac? I highly recommend it for you, if you haven't read it before. He gives an insightful narrative of the situation I describe above. If you have read it, I would love to hear your thoughts.

a panhandler like that is still tied directly to those other people theyre sponging from though...me personally i have nothing against it as long as theyre honest...
i think the drug issue is relevant though i could care less about minor casual use as long as the person isnt doing anything harmful when they get inebriated...i dont think drug use is enlightenment, but then again some people just wanna get messed up...

thank u for writing this, it gave me something interesting to think about.

dude, thank you.

reading this just made my life