NEWS: True Stories by Rob Corddry: Reasons I HavenÂ’t Written in Weeks

CULTURE: True Stories by Rob Corddry: Reasons I Haven’t Written in Weeks

O Dear friends! What a prolonged spell! What a gap! Where has the laughter gone? Why the tears? Why the tears, baby? You know IÂ’d never mean to hurt you! I just canÂ’t control myself! WhoÂ’s my special reader? WhoÂ’s my special reader? You are! You are!



(pause here while Rob lifts up your shirt and kisses your belly button. His unshaven chin tickles you a little. HeÂ’s looking into your eyes now. YouÂ’re falling. Falling. All is forgiven. Within moments he is finger-banging you. Mmm.)



So, IÂ’m back. I feel terrible. I know you guys come to this site for the culture. You get your geek-fix from Wil, you get your hard news from Marisa, you get an instruction on how-not-to-write from Kessleman, and from meÂ…you get a page and a half of vicodin-laced stories abut how cool my wife is, which she totally eats-the-fuck-up by the way.



IÂ’m in New York shooting a very, very important film (a comedy in the romantic vein, something for the ladies) and my wife and daughter fly in today so before I trek out to JFK to scoop them up IÂ’ll explain my absence.





1. I was busy. But not really. I don’t mean every second was taken up by something, I was just busy being somewhere else that wasn’t home, you know? It takes a lot of psychic energy to “go somewhere and do something”. I have a Suicide Girls routine which is hard to follow here in NY. It involves a lubricant containing a live culture that is illegal on the East Coast. Get with it, East Coast!



2. IÂ’m lazy. But not really. IÂ’ve actually had an inordinate amount of energy lately, but itÂ’s all been spent on taking the subway to Buy Buy Baby to get socket plugs and going to Trader Joes so that my wife has that egg-white salad she loves so much. God, what a special lady, huh?



3. IÂ’m spending a lot of time on set. In my trailer. Doing nothing. Perfect time to write you may ask? No. Perfect time to nap. Perfect time to make phone calls. Perfect time to organize my digital music into inventive Smart Playlists. Perfect time to masturbate. I love my wife.



4. IÂ’m trying to invent a time machine. Ask Wil, thatÂ’s HARD.



5. Television is fun to watch.



6. I’ve been eating a lot of citrus. I’ve been cooking soufflés. I’ve been reading Erma Bombeck’s back catalogue. I’ve been trimming bonsai trees.



7. IÂ’m a functional alcoholic. That means lots of dinner parties and wine tastings. I only attend functions where it would be uncivilized not to drink. I rarely drink alone (unless no one is with me) so a gallery opening is the easiest place for me to rationalize a self-medication. Try writing with half-a-hangover. No way Jose. Seriously Jose, how many times do I have to tell you to shut-up?



8. IÂ’m insecure. IÂ’ve been going through a molting process. I canÂ’t seem to say, write or do a funny thing. IÂ’m worried that IÂ’m a plagiarist at heart; a comedy-vampire with timing. But like The Hungry Caterpillar IÂ’m eating a lot of green leaves and will soon be a Beautiful Butterfly. I love you very, very much. Fuck off.



9. I never know how to end these things.

welcome back, friend. and great job on The Daily Show last night. You were missed on my masturbation machine and my TV

hooray! like a shining beacon of piousness, you return like god himself!

...to slap us in the face like a whore and yell, "You know you want me back, baby!"

because we can't help it. we feel we deserve the abuse, because you can be so good to us when you want to.

funny as ever!

Nice link.
no.. Hot link.
Yeah, just thinking about it gets me going, Rob-y baby.
A fine stallion of a choice there.
Damn it. Just thinking about that Posh+Evette set
is making me thinking about it a larger and larger possibility.
yeah. I think I have time.
Yes way Jose.
Sometimes that guy deserves an affirmative.

Hilarious on the Daily Show last night. I was debating with a friend while watching... what part was green screened and which was real? After 4 beers worth of debating, I concluded that the toilet was the only thing that was not green screened. My first instinct was that the toilet was green screened too, and that you were sitting on a stool or some such.


This is what I do with my evenings, debate toilet-related special effects and empty 1/2 gallon growlers of beer.


Don't judge me.

The Evette + Posh set makes me sweat, as do images of you sitting on a toilet.

Rob Corddry: SuicideBoy?

I saw you on the Daily show last night, I know where you've really been...

Seriously, an east coast boy bashing the east coast....shame on you sir! Shame on you!

Not bad, but it's not that easy to get into my pants.

I know where you've been too, since I was banging your wife while you've been away!

You have been missed. And it was indeed a treat to see you back on the old Daily Show last night. That alone gets you off the hook for a week or so. Oh, and the fingerbang helped too.

PS- If you need a man on the inside at TJ's just say the word.

Rob, you have magically transformed 9/11 from a day that will live in infamy to a day that will live in hilarity!

Well, actually, that might be overstating things a bit. But it's good to have you back.

All excellent excuses not to write. All is forgiven.

You know, on an only semi-related note, I didn't even realize it was 9/11 until I read this. Could it be that the parading of that bullshit for political agendas could be coming to an end? Maybe?

....Yeah, probably not.

I think Rob Corddry just finger-banged me.

.........And I think I kinda liked it.

So, wait.... you're, like, an actor? Trip out.

i feel irreparably dirty now. Thanks, Rob! Missed you.

well, if you are going to try to light a fire under the old career, doing the lead spot on Jon's show is a good place to start.

good to have you back here, too. i like a chuckle with my naked women.

Dude, we can fucking collaborate on the Time Machine project. Seriously. Think about it.

You know how to get in touch with me. Seriously. Look out the window and marvel at how I'm totally not stalking you.

RC... the dude, not the cola...

So nice to see your critical and insightful - if somewhat inspirationally existential - writing back on SG (the website, not the superheroine)!

Your writing and performance on the Daily Show are missed... well, when you're not on it. When you are, you're not missed. Not at all.

Miss the Winner... I guess Fox just had TOO many important shows to get onto their scheduled that forced its cancellation... ahh that Fox, so much brilliant programming, so little time. Are they running the Simpson's anymore?

Seriously tho', dump Wheaton and his time machine - we all know the only reason he wants to create one is so he can go back in time when he was the center of SG: TNG, kill off Pickard and Riker, become Starfleet's youngest and least sexually satisfied captain whose adventures would make BOTH Hawking and Flynt wet their britches...

My time machine is better... it's called READING! Why, there's a whole UNIVERSE of time travel waiting at our nearest library! Let me be your guide through the works of McCullough, Vidal, and Coulter!!!

Okay. I need to get out of teaching high school. It's killing me slowly and painfully. Hook a brother up, you need a PA who can pass for a bouncer, I need more exposure than the public school system will legally afford me...

Rob, the magic of your writing has made every single comment in this thread HILARIOUS. Now that is the mark of a true magic man.

I will totally vouch for writing with a hangover. Fuck that noise. Welcome back, buck-o.

You tease. Finger banging me... No oral?

Finally!