NEWS: Parking Garages, Scary For 90 Seconds - Not Minutes

CULTURE: Parking Garages, Scary For 90 Seconds - Not Minutes

So it seems they've based an entire horror movie on that scene from many other horror movies where a person finds themself alone in a dark, sinister-seeming parking garage.







I think we can agree, that if you find yourselves in this position in a movie you are in very serious trouble. You will at some point break into a run and then, just at your moment of escape, you will fumble and drop your keys while trying to get into your car. Then you'll get stabbed in the neck and/or face region. Repeatedly.



The best you can hope for is that instead of a killer, and the above scenario, you'll meet a mysterious trenchcoated man who will give you some secret information. He will say stuff like, "Don't you see how big this is?" "Or, "This goes all the way to the top." Or, "Just who do think it was that paid for all those bagels?"



If you see this guy, relax, he'll be the one in danger. Just try not to get in the way of the blowgun dart or the black-gloved hand that stabs him through the fence he was standing in front of.



Here's the problem with these scenes and probably, this movie. I've been in hundreds of parking garages in my life and they all tend to be incredibly well-lit. Either that or they're open at the sides in which case tons of sunlight, moonlight, lamplight, etc., spills in. I'm assuming the exception is The Ukraine at like, 3 am. I'm sure there are some scary garages over there, however, a sum total of none of the films I see are set in the Ukraine.



Garages, even at night, also tend to have overly helpful attendants who point you towards spots you already saw. I'm sure in an attack situation they'd at the very least be able to call the cops or blow a whistle or something.



They're certainly not busy replacing the burnt out and flickering bulbs that help set that scary mood. Nor are they working on the world's loudest dripping pipes, whose drips collect into large oil-covered puddles. Two things sue-conscious owners tend not to let hang around for long in the real world.











TheCoolerKing begs you to avoid making jokes about how the real horror is trying to remember where you parked.

no, the real horror is all the suburban cunts who saw the fast and the furious: tokyo drift one too many times and are trying to break the sound barrier in a fucking parking garage with the souped-up civic mommy and daddy bought for 'em

I saw this trailer with an audience and everyone laughed -- guffawed even when the "in a world" voiceover fella said "P2"

it was very sad for the scary movie

Horror is such shit these days. Such utter, horrible shit. Even The Exorcist is better than this Hatchet and P2 bullshit. I long for horror that makes you squirm, not jump.

The parking garage episode of Seinfeld looks scarier than this.

The few times I've found myself in seedy/shady parking garages, I just, ya know, don't park there.

But I'm also one of those people that tries to see under my car before I walk up to it because I have that fear of someone being under it. And I look in the backseat before I get in. And I always have my keys in a deathgrip.

"There's nothing scarier than finding yourself alone in a parking garage...."
LMAO

Why does this author call Ukraine "the Ukraine"? Are there other Ukraines I don't know about?

You made me think about this for a second. Because "the Ukraine" sounds right to me. And yet....

So I stopped thinking, and starting Googling, as we all do these days. I found this.

And from Wikipedia: "In English, the country is sometimes referred to with the definite article, as the Ukraine, similar to the Netherlands, the Gambia, the Sudan or the Congo. "

So I guess they want us to drop the article, but some of us are not listening and/or don't care.

- The Sarah

I never realized that I use the 'the' preface for Ukraine and Netherlands, too.

This is GARBAGE, TCK!

I was in a parking garage in Fresno and I got gang-raped by 14 vietnamese midgets. Do not underestimate the danger of a parking garage.

I think I picked it up from listening to the Ukraine's own heavyweight champ Wladimir Klitschko.

Although, perhaps picking up grammar tips from a man who has just been punched in the head is a bad call.

Fuck, I can sorta hear him saying it without the "the," as well...

wasn't there a spooky parking garage scene in Poltergeist 3?

You can't spell Carnage without a Car.

So many spaces so little time.

Underground parking garages:
Once you enter it's all downhill from there.

dead Cadillacs and dumb cocksuckers.

...Because "A Ukraine" sounds silly.

Were they standing on each other's shoulders? Because that's the only way I see that as being possible. And even then, not so much.

It is dangerous in there. Take one of these:

I am not scared of P2. P4, yes. Not P2.

And The Cooler King needs to shut the fuck up and just let parking garages be.

Oh, and How Is The "News?"

Wow, I never thought I'd see the day when they ran out of ideas.

"News" = the space where the author gets to try out new material.

In Ukraine, the fallout keeps our parking garages nice and well-lit, especially at 3am.

I like multi-storey car parks, but I try not to go in them after dark.

Hahahaha. Cars should be on the street or in fenced-in lots, the way God intended!

Not up in some concrete commie death-maze...