NEWS: Who Can't Randy "The Natural" Couture Beat?

CELEB: Who Can't Randy "The Natural" Couture Beat?

I asked myself that rhetorical question recently, after watching Randy defy the odds for the 47th time by defeating the heavily favored, 16 years younger challenger, Gabriel Gonzaga, for the UFC heavyweight title. A man, I remarked to a buddy of mine, who looks like the product of a shrewd promoter somewhere who shaved a bull, yanked it's horns and nose ring off, then taught it how to punch.

Then I tried to actually answer the question.

Though Couture, at 44, isn't the most intimidating looking combatant out there, he looks like your high school gym teacher halfway through a mid-life crisis-induced weightlifting kick, he is clearly one of the most effective.

He was the underdog when he ripped through "bad boy" Tito Ortiz a few years back. And by "bad," I mean someone who does nothing actually bad other than talking about being bad and possibly having a shirt with the word "bad" inserted into a tough sounding phrase.

He pummeled the invincible seeming "Iceman" Chuck Liddell. Beating him at his own stand-up game before taking him to the ground and raining down blows.

He dropped and thoroughly outclassed the 6 foot 8 inches tall (yeah), giant, Tim "The Maine-iac" Sylvia, who was again, heavily favored to destroy Couture. Taking the belt from Sylvia was a great day for fight fans as Tim's two most notable attributes are a boring safety-first style and the fact that he hails from a state that sorta rhymes with the word maniac.

In order to find foes to beat Couture I was forced to look far and wide and when that didn't pan out, I had to look beyond mere mortals. Here then is a shockingly short list comprised of...

Opponents Randy Couture Can't Beat

1) City Hall. As most of you have heard, "you can't fight City Hall." An opponent unwilling to fight is one you cannot truly beat. But what about Randy's aggression and forward movement, you say? Couldn't he could get a decision. Unlikely. In the past Couture has shown no enhanced abilites in forwarding legislation, getting laws passed and/or lobbying council members. He'd get worn down and eventually stopped by City Hall's ability to slow the pace and force the fight on their terms. Couture quits in 3 years, with his proposal sitting in a desk drawer somewhere.

2) The system. Similar to the above, "you can't beat the system." They spell it out right there. Any time you hear of this elusive system, what's the context? That's right, you not beating it. You can sometimes go around the system (Couture does have great lateral movement) and occasionally even get the system to work for you, but it seems far fetched. People get lost in the system. People get chewed up and spit out by the system.

Sure some of this is the mental game, the system beating people with intimidation before the fight even starts. Similar to a prime Mike Tyson. However, even though Couture has been immune to this ploy in the past, the system is undefeated for a reason.

3) The common cold. At 44, squarely into middle age, Randy's immune system is as weak as its ever been. Even with a 4 week training camp utilizing echinacea, vitamin C, zinc and even airborne herbal remedy, this fight only ends one way. With Couture on his back, staring at the ceiling fan with a 102 temperature and a runny nose.

4) The low, low, everyday savings available at your neighborhood superstore. You cannot beat these savings, that much is clear. But could Randy? Let's find out. Three bucks for a case of generic soda? A dollar for a five pound can of meatballs? A plaid shirt with no label for under ten?

Randy's living the good life, used to dining and dressing in style. Fast cars and even faster spending. There's no way he's using coupons and designer duds aren't gonna get it done against these bargains. No shot. This is one puzzle Couture will be unable to solve. Hopefully he can console himself with some nice toothpicked samples from the frozen section.

5) The Clock. Sure, right now Father Time is wearing a french maid's outfit, on his hands and knees, while scrubbing Randy's bathroom floor... But that won't last forever. Sooner or later, even the ageless Couture will be forced to succumb to the wily demon known as age. Estimates put this at just after Couture's 92nd birthday, shortly after his defeat of a giant lizard from Rigel 7, to retain the UFC Unlimited division title.

6) Fedor Emelianenko. Sure, I said I had to look beyond humans. Fedor is not human. Humans don't shake off the effects of being dropped on their head. He is a machine. The most fearsome heavyweight on the planet. Widely regarded as the best he is the reigning champion of troubled Japanese fighting organisation PRIDE. He's yet to sign with the UFC, but it appears imminent. Fedor would be the favorite here, and for good reason. But that's nothing new for Randy.

Rumored venues for the bout are Randy standing on Saturn and battling Fedor who's balanced on Neptune. No word on where the people of Earth will be forced to settle after this slugfest destroys our galaxy.




TheCoolerKing favors Fedor by tapout... He thinks... Probably...

I have such a man crush on Randy Couture.

Randy vs Fedor is dream match and I see randy taking it.

I could take him.

What about Quentin " Rampage" Jackson vs Couture?

It's true. Fedor isn't human. Did you see Randleman drop him on his head and he got up like nothing happened?

Randy vs. Fedor would cause the planet to be significantly heavier at the spot wherever these two may meet.

But you are correct. I don't think anyone is beating The Natural any time soon.

Hair loss. That's who.

UFC is clumsily disguised porn intended mainly for closeted gay Republicans. But then again, who doesn't like to see two shirtless, muscular, manly studs rolling around upon the ground in nothing but their skivvies, awash in their own sweat and blood, grunting and gasping in passionate fits of testosterone-fueled power?



Oo lala. Open wide, signor.

liddell beat couture twice after couture beat the iceman the first time. liddell is fighting keith jardine, i think, and couture will probably get rampage if he wants him. liddell needs to get back on track, because i think hes only lost four times and two are to jackson. if he cant beat him the third time, it might be time for iceman to think about fighting couture again. the three of them are pretty good, but some of the russians and brazilians ive seen lately are monsters. wanderlei silva is a wrecking machine, so is fedor. i think silva should fight rampage, and couture should fight fedor. then the winners could fight each other for the title. enlisting stephen bonner and forest griffen as workout and sparring partners certainly paid off for couture. he looked amazing against gonzaga.

Randy is a god among mortal men.

Achiles and Hector and Leonidas aint got shit on Randy.... although Leonidas was about 50 when he fought at Thermopylae he wasnt fighting anyone close to his own level so I'm still giving the nod to Randy. If MMA is around in 200 years people will remember and be awestruck at what Randy was able to accomplish. I'd give Randy a longer time line of rememberance but MMA is only a sport and not redrawing lines on a map. I'm sure in the 700 years of gladiator games in Rome there were a few fighters worthy of being remembered a century or two later.... but 20 centuries later is too much and you'd be hard pressed to find the name of one.

Randy will still be the favorite when he beats Fedor down the road. Randy will out work and out strategize anyone else on the board, but uniting the belts will still be beyond dreams.

before reading the entire article, I was gonna say "Fedor". I don't think Dana White can afford his contract at the moment. I think Arlovski will be the next to face him (or maybe not, they're like best buds), or maybe Nogueira. Rizzo hasn't seen action in a while either tho...

In other news...do we have an MMA group?

not to mention arlovski and crocop...

no one has said Chuck Norris yet?

I admire what that guy is doing at his age. I didn't think he would fight after Liddell

Yup, Cro Cop could beat him, I'm sure he's buckling down and training harder after his loss. Thats what getting cocky gets you

Josh Barnett might be able to do it, if he ever gets back in the UFC.

Nonetheless, I'm pretty sure if it came down to it, Couture would suplex Death himself straight through the planet.

Rumour has it that the latest offer UFC is offering is 2 million a fight for Fedor. If we don't hear anything this weekend about Fedor signing (as his management was in North America this week, and weren't leaving without a deal), it's likely that UFC has inked a deal and is holding off on announcing it for one of their PPVs ala what they did with Nog.

Randy who?

So spoiling the results of fights don't count when it's a news article, then?

I guess it's been almost a week...

Gonzaga broke Randy's arm in that fight.

I certainly like watching it, but I'm not closeted, not gay and not a republican. I'm not sure what that means for me. I guess I'll have to work on becoming one of the three. I'll start with closeted:

I'm tooootally not straight, I am completely 100% gay.

Couture's a dead man!!



UFC 2008

that's such a no-brainer that it isn't even worth mentioning. no mere mortals could possibly defeat the Man with Six Deadly Appendages.

With his age, he'll almost always be the underdog. Especially against Fedor. I will never bet against that dude ever again, though.

When Gonzaga was coming out I felt like this might be the end for Randy. Gabe looked focused and ready to fight.

Then Randy came out and all my worries went away. Why? He was smiling. He was smiling when he came out to fight Chuck the first time. He was smiling when he came out to fight Tito. He was smiling when he came out to fight Tim. When Randy smiles, Randy wins.

As for Fedor. I hope hes been training his ass off because he hasnt fought a top ranked heavyweight since Mark Hunt at the new years show, and even saying Mark Hunt is top rated is a stretch. To go back to his last legitimate top 5 HW fight you would have to go back to August 28th 2005 when Fedor and Mirko beat the stuffing out of each other.

But yeah. Fedor is a human/great white shark crossbreed. His eyes show no emotion while he's pummeling you half to death, or when he's getting dropped on his head.

Another addition to my list of things I don't understand: the sudden surge of interest in UFC amongst people who otherwise don't give a shit about sports or pro-wrestling.

i hate wwe. ufc and pride are nothing like it, assuming thats what youre talking about when you say pro wrestling. these guys are going at it for real. if you doubt it, just find the fight between crocop and silva in tokyo, or bonner and griffen part one. these are heavy duty destroying machines opening up their skill sets on one another. wwe is fake wrestling by steroid-ridden farm animals in tights.