NEWS: The 10 Best Most Worst TV Episodes Ever

CULTURE: The 10 Best Most Worst TV Episodes Ever

Earlier this week we all got together and discussed the worst ever films. Now it's time to discuss TV. It wouldn't be fair to try and figure out which series are the worst -- since almost every series is. So here are my selections for the worst TV episodes.

Number 10
Easily the best, most entertaining thing about the Land of the Giants pilot is the opening titles below. Go no further. If you decide to pursue Land of the Giants, there are more clips on Youtube...and you will go down that path alone.


Number 9
Home Shopping Channels. Not an episode, I know, but in fact it's worse: it's many, many episodes. Though, it does give us these wonders once or twice a year:

This guy is lucky his back didn't break while he was fake dusting:


Number 8
This is the spot for your choice. I'm sure you can make your own list of 10 shitty TV episodes. Just come up with one good one and cite your reasons. Support it with a clip or some images. Be prepared to defend your pick.

Number 7
Acid-fueled, Wizard of Gore star Crispin Glover Versus David Letterman

and the reconciliation:

Crispin denies the first appearcance is even him. Good stuff. Good, horrible stuff.

Number 6
Number 6 runs up the score: The Dukes of Hazzard replaced their leads with extras from central casting: when contract hold outs made series stars Tom Wopat and John Schneider absent from the set, they were recast with "other Duke cousins" from...someplace else? Who cares? Coy and Vance Duke made their shirtless debuts here:

A similar casting tragedy occurred sometime during the CHiPs run. This type of nonsense has its own category on Jump The Shark Though, I maintain both the Dukes and CHiPs started in the toilet, and stayed there. They just got worse.

Number 5
Number 5 must be seen to be believed. It's not a TV episode exactly, but it was straight to video. In 1989 Corey Haim made a film for his fans about how awesome he was and called it: Me, Myself, and I. During the actual shoot they cut away to b-roll of the crew setting up. His mouth takes a stab at rapping too. Haim is notable for quotes like this:

How did that work out, asshole?



Number 4
Battlestar Galactica (original)
Star Wars dropped in 1977 and the next year Battlestar was on TV. Oddly, George Lucas actually sued the producers for ripping him off as I recall even though it would be many years before he would make giant piles of shit. Ralph McQuarrie did design work, so everything looked pretty cool, but the budgets forced stock footage to be used and re-used. The plots stank and it's biggest crime was that it managed to be a post-apocalyptic, on-the-run-from-robots-in-space tale that was boring. Battlstar was bad - Battlestar 1980 is worse. You would be hard-pressed to find a shittier clip than this hilarious gem from Galactica 1980, a shit-covered spin-off of one of the shittiest shows ever. The crew finds earth and try to subtly prepare them for the murder-robots that are chasing them. Watch the hobo in the drunk tank lose his cigarette! Keep your eyes peeled for Mr. Brady, too.

*The new BSG series is consistently one of the best shows on TV.

Number 3
"Dudley Takes A Bath" from Diff'rent Strokes. A pedophile (Gordon Jump) captures Arnold and his pal Dudley. The molester lures then back to his fuck pad with the promise of a bicycle. He then shows his dirty cartoons, and the boys finally get hip the the danger they're in. Arnold hatches a brilliant plan: Dudley will distract the man by taking a bath with him while Arnold escapes.
This youtube clip of the offending episode is ruined by a real life pedophile's remarks. Watch at your own risk.

Number 2
Cavemen Causing you to shoot your TV (through your face) this fall. How many episodes do you think will actually air? My guess is people might watch the first one just to be able to say that they sat through it. This is a pilot from a series of commercials that I actully fucking hated the split second I saw them.


Number 1
Too Close For Comfort tried their hand at "A Very Special" episode in which Jim J Bullock's character, Monroe Ficus is raped by two plus-sized gals. Just so we're all on the same page let me reiterate:Monroe Ficus gets fucking raped by two plus-sized gals.

OK, so at the top of the episode Monroe is missing. Nobody seems very concerned except Ted Knight. Well, Monroe shows up one morning, and is clearly distressed, with his hair all messed up. Whatever happened to Monroe, he doesn't want to talk about. Later, Monroe decides to open up about what happened to Ted, so he picks the middle of the night while Ted is clearly having sex with Nancy Dussault 's character behind closed doors. This is played to thunderous canned laughter. So, Ted pulls out, throws on a robe and he and Monroe discuss his rape. The cops arrive, and want no part of it. Monroe is even more crestfallen now that his man-rape is the butt of the cops' mean spirited ribbing.

The episode ends with Ted Knight's character rolling up his sleeves, knocking on the ladies' door and demanding satisfaction for taking advantage of Monroe. Instead, what he gets is grabbed by the collar and pulled into their den of rape. The last image is a freeze-frame on Ted being flung into the apartment for his own rape session. The end!

It's hard to say what the thought process was behind the episode. Edith Bunker had already been raped...to great effect on a sitcom. That attack was one of the most disturbing moments of my childhood. Maybe the writers thought that the clearly gay Bullock being raped by two women that looked like bull dykes would just be funny. I don't think that season of Too Close is on DVD yet, and right now the internet lets us down: no clip. If that changes, I'll update this post.


Gerry regrets not finding room for the Incredible Hulk TV movies guest starring Thor and Daredevil.

I must admit, you had me worried a little bit that the "very special episode" of Diff'rent Strokes wouldn't be on that list. But you came through.

As for #8, I think most people will agree on this one...

The "very special" Saved By The Bell!

CAFFEINE PILLS ARE THE DEVIL!



-TM

Crispin Glover... holy fuck.

I can't believe you forgot the "Punk Rock" episode of Quincy.

the jessie spano on caffeine pills is classic! i don't have the scientific data to back this up (the govt keeps denying my grant application for this clearly essential, monumental cultural study), but i'm pretty sure this episode gets referenced about 5 bajillion times more often than any other saved by the bell episode.

that alone should exempt it from the list.

yeah
I pretty much knew that saved by the bell episode was gonna get mentioned too


. . . . .now, the California Dreams episode where the guy in the leather jacket tries to quit smoking
THAT is something else

"AMONNAMIGGURESH!!!" ("i wanna cigarette!" said with. . . something stuck in his mouth . .?!?!)

oh wait. . . . .
what about that time those wrestlers "The Bushwackers" were on Family Matters.
"WE HATE COPS!!"

"the best most worst" is an EXCELLENT band name, BTW

It was even better when Adult Swim aired SBtB, and came up w/some creepy-as-fuck bumps, including...



-TM

Oh dear God, that's even more craperific than I had envisioned when I first heard of it

i'm officially calling now--st. clair's law,the godwin's law of early 90s television.

Dude, are you kidding me? The Crispin Glover on Letterman clip is one of the most off-the-wall awesome moments in the history of otherwise dull, tired TV talk shows. The word "worst" belongs nowhere near it.

Oh, and the Law & Order episode that was "ripped from the headlines" about the Puff Daddy (or P. Diddy or Diddy or whateverthefuck) and Jennifer Lopez nightclub shooting incident wins the "worst episode from a good series" award, although their "Kurt & Courtney" episode sucks almost as much.

Does anybody remember "Pink Lady and Jeff"? It was a variety show that combined the no-talent comedian Jeff Altman with a couple of Japanese singers who called themselves Pink Lady and who did not speak English.

Here is a promo and an "awesome" song number...my mom terrorized me with this horrible show!

I remember that episode. That was awful. How about the CHiPs "Punk Rock" episode? Catch the "punks" dancing at around 2:30 to Punch's sweet grooves!

Was that Pauly Shore in the Caveman Sketch?

Damn.... I was the one Person looking forward to that, but without the original cast it's shit.

...Buuuuuddy

Ask and ye shall receive...

*ahem*



-TM

Holy shit, California Dreaming. Has it ever been a loooong time since I thought about that show. . .

The commercial tv guy deserved to chop his finger off for promoting those all-american "katanas" hahahaha...

I have to say we make some pretty awful tv over here...



The acting, the 'joke' at the start...doesn't get much worse.

I forgot one. It's a half-hour long, but those of us that grew up in the era of '80s-'90s Saturday morning cartoons and "Just Say No" should be required to watch out of the sheer banality.

Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue



The CASttR page on Wikipedia

An amusing review from X-Entertainment

After watching that, don't you just want to take drugs?

-TM

I become very uncomfortable every time I watch it. I don't disagree that it is wonderful - however, it's wonderful because of how awful it is. It's actually worse than when Farrah showed up high on Letterman. He decribes himself as "drowning" and though I have not been in that spot live to tape on a network show, I can sympathize. A piece of him died havingto sit at the desk for that.

Land of the Giants is the bomb shit.

I remembered that Diff'rent Strokes, but I don't know how I missed that episode of Too Close for Comfort.

Battlestar Glactica and Land of the Giants wer both AWESOME I don't care what anyone else says!

How can you have a top ten list of best most worst TV episodes without even a passing mention of Cop Rock?