Recent films like Bratz, Who's Your Caddy?, and I Know Who Killed Me got me thinking about the worst films ever. Not enough time has passed to include those three on any "worst ever" lists, though they may come to reside on one someday soon. Is it possible that a single movie theater has that turd trifecta now playing simultaneously on its screens?

I'm leaving the patron saint of shitty movies Ed Wood off of this list. Enough backhanded praise has been given to him over the years. The criteria was pretty simple, the movie has to be shitty in almost every way. It's not enough for a movie to have bad acting. It had to have a lot of crap ingredients. Every film that gets made is a mircale I've been told. Lots of people tried really hard on each and every one of these movies so we could shit all over them. On with the show!

10) Patch Adams is lucky I'm putting it at number ten. Jesus Christ, this movie makes me furious. Robin Williams (strike one) plays a cancer doctor/clown (strike two) that likes people to laugh as they die (striiiiiiike threeeeee!).

It was meant to be heartwarming, funny, and a look at what's wromg with our health care. It was patronizing, offensive, laughless and saccharine. Fuck this movie. Patch Adams opened on a Christmas day a few years ago, I remember because I let my parents pick the film -- and that was the last night I saw either of them. Incredibly, somebody found a way to make this movie worse, by cutting its "best" parts into a music video:

9) Pearl Fucking Harbor Michael Bay destroys Pearl Harbor all over again. An all star cast helps sink this film. By the time the Japenes arrive you are rooting for them to destroy the naval base if only to rid yourself of the most intolerable love triangle in motion picture history. IMDB will tell you it's three hours long, but your numb ass will tell you IMDB lies. Have you forgotten how bad this movie is? Don't take my word for it. Here's what Roger Ebert had to say:

The film has been directed without grace, vision, or originality, and although you may walk out quoting lines of dialog, it will not be because you admire them.

Avoid this movie at all costs. If you find yourself tempted by Pearl Harbor - watch this oldie but goodie instead:

8) This is the spot for your choice. I'm sure you can make your own list of 10 films that shit the bed in every way. Just come up with one good one and cite your reasons. Support it with a clip or poster art. Remember, your selection should be bad almost across the board. Bonuses for big or good actors slumming.

7) Jaws 4: The Revenge As I recall the shark eats Mrs. Brody's daughter, follows her to the Caribbean by tailing the plane's shadow and roars several times in the back end. By the way, both Mrs. Brody and the shark want revenge. Hence, the genius subtitle. Michael Caine shows up for a bit and somebody loses an arm while Christmas carols are sung. Obviously, a cascading series of failures occurred to produce this:

6) Batman & Robin It's almost cliche to name this as a "bad movie" but it fits all my criteria. Terrible, casting, writing, directing, acting, lighting, even the costumes in this film were total and utter crap. How do you ruin the costumes in a Batman flick? One word: nipples.

5) Zardoz Where to begin? The Director of one of the best films of all time Point Blank makes a science fiction film with Sean Connery. Should have been great, right? Here's a line from the flick:

The penis is evil...the penis shoots seeds.

Oh my goodness...let's go to the videotape!

4) Uwe Boll. I know, I know -- he's not a film. He has however made some of the worst films of our time, and in a remarkable slide, has gotten worse every time out. A delightful exchange between a reporter for Wired is all the evidence I need to include Uwe on this roll call of shame. No bad film is as bad as the threat of a Boll film. Totally unredeemable. With Uwe, the worst is always yet to come.

3) The Day The Clown Cried* Alright, this entry requires an asterisk beside it was never released. That alone is a fairly good indicator of how bad it turned out. It's a Jerry Lewis picture, he plays Helmut Doork - a clown that leads Jewish children into Nazi gas chambers. Patton Oswalt used to do guerrilla staged readings of the screenplay every so often in New York and Los Angeles. Jerry's lawyers kept on slinging the cease and desists. You've never read a more mix-ed up script tonally. At points it's written for big laughs, and then the next page it's off to the "showers." Jerry Lewis has the only existing prints. More on this actually written, shot, and edited film can be found here. Here is more proof that this film exists:

2) Gymkata I tried to watch this movie once. I could not tell you for the life of me what the fuck is going on. A gymnast uses his "gymkata" to fight bad guys on location from somewhere within the old soviet block. I would recommend not watching this movie and instead punching your own balls until you fall unconscious. For the same effect, it's a big time saver. For those that dare, here is a fight scene:

1) Troll 2 Arguably, the Citizen Kane of shit film. It was shot in English by an Italian director that doesn't speak it. Oddly, no trolls appear in this film. There are some goblins. Kind of. No one can explain to you how this movie manages to suck, blow and stink simultaneously. You really must go and experience it. It's a "perfect storm" of horrifically bad acting, directing, writing, lighting, editing, make-up and yet more acting. Most scenes contain at least one unintentionally hilarious moment that you will rewind again and again. Every film fan should see this movie before they die. In fact, see it and then die.

Gerry would like to thank his dungeon master, Scott for contributing to this piece. Scott, you're the Roger Ebert of shit.

RileyStClair

STAFF

Los Angeles, CA

AUG 21, 2007 12:11 PM

i kind of liked patch adams.
ok, "liked" is too strong of a word, but it's nowhere near the "who's your caddy" and "pearl harbor" category.

i've never actually seen the un-mst3k'ed version of the film, but i think manos: the hands of fate may actually be the worst movie ever made.