NEWS: My Life Was Better Before I Knew Who Star Jones Was

CELEB: My Life Was Better Before I Knew Who Star Jones Was

I don't like Star Jones... And I don't mean, I don't like her like I don't like Dane Cook or racism or bell peppers or something equally appalling. I don’t like her to the point of not wanting to admit I know who she is. I’d have bashed her before this, in a heartbeat, but I liked walking the streets knowing I had a reasonable shot at denying knowledge of her continued existence. No proof, anywhere, that I knew she lived. An article about her horrible personality would change all of that. And I wasn’t ready.

As viciously as I could mock her, it wasn’t worth it. To be seen, observed even, as someone who “might not be aware of Star Jones,” especially in Los Angeles, is a precious thing, not to be given up lightly…

Plenty of people know of her, plenty despise her, I’m guessing, somewhere, a few people even tolerate/like her. But the group, who, through no intentional action on their part, just through sheer good living or the having of better friends or loftier goals, had absolutely no idea who she was… That's who I wanted to be mistaken for. So, so, badly. My goal was to get to my grave, having maintained this facade.

It’s not to be. I’m not that guy… And worse, through this column, I’m dragging a few dozen more down with me. Ugh.

I'd dicked around all day, not working, not doing anything other than half-assedly searching for something to write about, when I saw a photo of her promoting her new, presumably awful, Court TV show. I knew then that today was the day. I kept looking, praying, for something better to write about, but I knew that eventually I’d cave and have to put in print, my terrible, terrible knowledge of her.

I know who Star Jones is. And she’s fucking atrocious.

The point of all this, the reason I’m writing about her, is because I noticed she has joined a growing number of obese celebrities... who looked better before they lost the weight. Sure, Nicole Ritchie is close to death and Mary Kate could hide behind a stop sign, everyone knows that. But what about people who are naturally a little heavy, who starve or staple themselves down into an unrealistic shape? Sorry, Al Roker, you look weird. Jared from Subway? You too.

I’m not saying that people don’t deserve to look the way they’d like to look, and certainly, obesity is an epidemic in this country, but being slightly heavy has got to be healthier and looks light-years better, than these weirdly freakish, big-boned skeletons. There's nothing wrong with being chubby or skinny or however you look naturally, or otherwise. There are many, many things wrong with this.



I'm not saying it doesn't work for a lot of people. Some people look 10 times better when skinny.

Some do not.


TheCoolerKing will deny knowledge of both Star Jones and this article, if you approach him on the street. He's happier that way.

Ewwwwww.

I still don't now who Star Jones is, and that doesn't bother me.

Who doesn't like bell peppers?! Whether in a salad or by themselves, they are a very healthy, very tasty snack that, really, can be taken along anywhere and eaten anytime. They're the type of vegetable that makes eating healthy less of a chore and more of a thoroughly enjoyable activity. And they come in so many colors! Why, just the other day, I saw an orange bell pepper. I'd seen red, green, even yellow, but never before in my life had encountered an orange pepper. It was one of those instances where you think that the color makes it even tastier than it already is, but really, how could you get tastier than your average bell pepper? The answer is no, you couldn't, no matter what your inner voice tells you, because really, your inner voice knows nothing about science. In conclusion, carrots are delicious as well, and they're also orange, so I guess we should all eat more orange foods - especially oranges.

Ahhh, if only I could say the same... Get out there and live, you lucky bastard!!

Hahaha... I like peppers that are hot, not weirdly tangy.

Plus, they're always getting in the way.

I remain blissfully ignorant

And immune to her powers.

bell peppers are the bomb

Her head just looks HUGE! Every picture of her makes me think, "Who put Star Jones head on some skinny chick?"


x 0.15^49684869348

I was hoping that this was an article about the new Indiana Jones being a Star Wars crossover...it was so much worse.

Bell Peppers, I can't say I really like them either. I mean, they're kind of weird. They're not what I expect out a pepper and they seem to flaut the fact.

her neck creeps me out. and when she breaths in, i want to give her a giant glass of water. it sounds like she's one of those people who smoke through their necks. ewww.

awww. i like dane cook

This would have made an infinitely better article. Alas we see another freakish looking person all over the checkout stand at the grocery store. Bell peppers suck, and Dane Cook was funny as hell in Waiting.

The only funny part in Waiting was when the kid finally told everyone off. And seeing as how Dane Cook didn't play the kid, then he wasn't ever funny. At least he's now relegated to making shitty romantic comedies, thus destroying most of his comedic credibility and making him much easier to ignore.

I hate bell peppers too

HATE THEM

why do they have to be in EVERYTHING and when you're vegetarian.. the stock standard we can fucking think of anything to feed you menu item is ALWAYS a stuffed bell pepper

fuck you.

and cillantro... celery...

EW

OK now you're just talking nonsense.

Until this article I did not know who Star Jones was.

And, due to one of my many mental defects, I will tomorrow think that she is a person named Joan Starr, and then by the end of the week she will just be a skinny dark smudge in one of my gray ventricles.

"And worse, through this column, I'm dragging a few dozen more down with me" is where I stopped reading. You won't take me down with you, you bastard!

He fucking LOVES bell peppers

I personally love bell peppers, indifferent to star jones. she does look a freak...i totally agree.

Boy, that is weird. Before I saw the picture I didn't really know what you were talking about. But yikes. . .

You can't be indifferent to bell peppers once you've had a seriously good one. That means, among other things, not green. There's no real reason for green bell peppers to exist.

Also they're fruits, not vegetables. Just like cucumbers and tomatoes.

I now know who Star Jones is.

I shall now drink heavily the rest of the week in order to kill off all the brain cells that retain this memory.

fuck bell peppers. give me a banana pepper

a lot of people cant handle la Star's "in your face" 'tude!! I guess you'e one of them. Maybe you pefer bland oatmeal celebs like Seacrest. Oh well...