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TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

AUG 17, 2007 07:58 PM



Or, Stop Remaking Movies, Part - What The Fuck Already. I know, it's pointless to continue to gripe about unnecessary movie remakes. And yet, I am incapable of not doing it.

Bruce Lee's classic 1973 film, Enter the Dragon, will be remade by Warner Bros.


At least they'll finally be able to replace the horribly miscast Bruce Lee. I'm sure a few casting sessions should rustle up someone just as charismatically kick-ass as one of the most beloved motion picture stars of all-time. Sure, some people call it the "greatest martial arts film ever made," but, that doesn't mean we can't shoot for "even-greater martial arts film of, uh, you know..." Right? This next part gets confusing.

The remake, to be titled ''Awaken the Dragon,'' will be written and directed by Kurt Sutter, producer of ''The Shield'' TV series. It will be released by Warner Independent Pictures.

In an e-mail Thursday to The Associated Press, Warner Bros. publicist Laura Kim said the movie will tell the story of an FBI agent who investigates a Shaolin monk and underground kung fu fight clubs.


So, the title's been changed and the plot's different. How is this a remake? Can't it just be another fine addition to the glorious genre that is the "mysterious island, fighting tournament"? It worked for Bloodsport.

The remake/loosely based on version would do well to include at least 5 of the following...

The 9 Coolest Things About Enter The Dragon

1) Bruce Lee. No contest. Super-fast, super-cool and in possession of a scowl that could kill an elephant.

2) Bolo Yeung. A guy so bad-ass they don't even bother to name him. IMDB disagrees with me on that, however, I recall Han calling him Bolo at one point so I'm sticking with it. He was so frightening that years later, they woke him up and pushed in front of the camera to be the main villain in the aforementioned Van Damme movie Bloodsport. They called him Chong Li in that one and for my money he's the best Van Damme villain ever, narrowly beating out both "Attila" from Lionheart and Lance Henriksen himself from Hard Target Yeah, you heard me "Tong Po" from Kickboxer Not a fan.

3) The Jim Kelly-spoken line: "Man, you come right out of a comic book." He delivers it to the enigmatic Mr. Han. He's right. Han is the mysterious owner of the mysterious island. 14% of villains in comic books are either in possession of or have heard about, a mysterious island. One last thing, the island is... mysterious!

4) Mr. Han's iron hand. Which he can switch out in favor of a 3-long blades hand and a bear-claw hand. No, not the eating kind, the flaying a man alive kind.

5) Roper, as played by John Saxon. Hard to pinpoint why... Not as "over the top" cool as Jim Kelly, but... cool in a laid-back casual way. Not Saxon's only scrap with a razor-handed dude, either, as he went on to battle Freddy Krueger in the first Nightmare on Elm Street.

6) Jim Kelly's amazing afro. Yet to see it's equal in film history.

7) Bruce Lee's battle with Han in the "Hall of Mirrors." Every movie should have a fight in a hall of mirrors where a guy mistakenly punches a mirror, thinking it's his foe. Nine times.

8) The part where Jim Kelly, while admiring a line-up of prostitutes, says: "I'll take you... and you... and you... and you..." Then he apologizes to whoever he may've missed by saying "It's been a long day." Stupid Roper only picked one. I think Lee skipped this part to sit in his room and get awesomer.

9) Bruce Lee, with an aloof look on his face, slapping a student for fucking something up. Bruce Lee being a dick is surprisingly fun to watch.




TheCoolerKing is proud to have written this entirely from memory.

OhSoOrdinary

OhSoOrdinary

New York, NY
July 2006

AUG 17, 2007 08:13 PM

Why.....

Whyyyyyyyy!!!!!!

Lycoris

Lycoris

Toronto, ON
October 2005

AUG 17, 2007 08:26 PM

I hate Hollywood.

Metaverse

Metaverse

USA
March 2005

AUG 17, 2007 08:29 PM

Bolo is a badass. He was 50 when Bloodsport came out and he was in great shape. He'll probably live till he's 100. I read about this movie yesterday...what a crock of shit...remake...lol.

ckdexterhaven

ckdexterhaven

USA
December 2005

AUG 17, 2007 08:33 PM

Eh, I've given up on being particularly upset about these idiotic remakes. No way in hell will I pay money to see this shit, but other people will. Probably a lot of people. People are stupid. I'm sure there are people on this very site who are excited about this. Though they won't admit it. They walk among us just like ordinary people. I see stupid people.

Estrada

Estrada

University Place, WA
OLD SKOOL

AUG 17, 2007 08:40 PM

I like how Invasion is a remake of a remake.

thefreak

thefreak

NEWSWIRE

Gardner, MA

AUG 17, 2007 08:44 PM

Well, if they used Tony Jaa, maybe...

But even still, Bruce Lee FTW.

-TM

NoPantsDave

NoPantsDave

Cincinnati, OH
OLD SKOOL

AUG 17, 2007 08:46 PM

Without Jim Kelly, where's the good?

Damn do I love Black Belt Jones.

SouGei

SouGei

Blackwood, NJ
January 2007

AUG 17, 2007 08:54 PM

I think we all know who people want to see in role.

910dohead

910dohead

Palm Springs, CA
September 2002

AUG 17, 2007 09:11 PM

WTF!?! Sheer bollocks!!! Warner Bros is also releasing a straight-to-DVD sequel to The Lost Boys.

ckdexterhaven

ckdexterhaven

USA
December 2005

AUG 17, 2007 09:15 PM

jimHAK said:
I think we all know who people want to see in role.


Nah.


sandalgod

sandalgod

San Diego, CA
May 2006

AUG 17, 2007 09:29 PM

I'm impressed

legman

legman

Portland, OR
February 2006

AUG 17, 2007 09:31 PM

"Not Saxon's only scrap with a razor-handed dude, either, as he went on to battle Freddy Krueger in the first Nightmare on Elm Street."

Which is ALSO awesome! biggrin

Thrasher

Thrasher

Mesa, AZ
September 2002

AUG 17, 2007 09:38 PM

there should be a rule that when remakes are purposed to studios, the person that does the purposing instantly bursts into flames

Greybeard

Greybeard

Los Angeles, CA
December 2006

AUG 17, 2007 09:42 PM

Has anyone here seen A Fistful of Yen?

farva

farva

Portland, OR
November 2005

AUG 17, 2007 09:48 PM

Greybeard said:
Has anyone here seen A Fistful of Yen?



Stupid idea..


That being said, I am interested to see what this director does, I am a HUGE Shield fan.

aleksa

aleksa

Tacoma, WA
April 2006

AUG 17, 2007 09:59 PM

DO NOT WANT!!!!

Carbonfreeze

Carbonfreeze

Ocala, FL
February 2007

AUG 17, 2007 10:02 PM

I like Bruce Lee. I met him once. Kicked his ass.
What I meant to say was . . .
I never saw his movies all the way through, but if the previews for this look good, I'll add the original to my Netflix cue and if it makes it to the top of the list, I'll try to watch it before seeing the remake/based on version.

I like Hollywood

ogichida30

ogichida30

Concord, CA
September 2004

AUG 17, 2007 10:06 PM

CKDexterHaven said:

jimHAK said:
I think we all know who people want to see in role.


Nah.



That would ALMOST make me see it....Remember shop smart......

Drake

Drake

SUICIDEGIRL

I'm lost

AUG 17, 2007 10:08 PM

thefreak said:
Well, if they used Tony Jaa, maybe...

But even still, Bruce Lee FTW.

-TM



Agreed, he's like the only guy I can think of that would make a remake worth watching. I think he is lo-fi and cool enough to pull it off!

brett54

brett54

Australia
November 2004

AUG 17, 2007 10:17 PM

When reading the headline, "The 9 Coolest Things About "Enter the Dragon", I thought, there really is only one thing .... and the TheCoolerKing comes though with exactly that.

Hollywood.

Bereft of talent and imagination.

scylis

scylis

USA
November 2004

AUG 17, 2007 10:33 PM

CKDexterHaven said:

jimHAK said:
I think we all know who people want to see in role.


Nah.




win.

only way to even come close to the original.

otaku

otaku

USA
January 2004

AUG 17, 2007 11:03 PM

"8) The part where Jim Kelly, while admiring a line-up of prostitutes, says: "I'll take you... and you... and you... and you..." Then he apologizes to whoever he may've missed by saying "It's been a long day." Stupid Roper only picked one. I think Lee skipped this part to sit in his room and get awesomer. "

Roper was going for quality, not quantity. biggrin
Now let's see how long it takes before they remake the Crow and piss on the graves of two generations of Lees (unless they already took care of that with all the Crow sequels).

dkixk

dkixk

Chicago, IL
September 2003

AUG 17, 2007 11:17 PM

Okay, they're fucking with Enter The Dragon. Sure, that's annoying. But look at how they're fucking with Beowulf. Enter The Dragon was first released in the 70s but Beowulf is how fucking old? And they go and turn Grendal's mom into a MILF? Are you fucking kidding me?

endvic

endvic

Tempe, AZ
December 2004

AUG 17, 2007 11:26 PM

Estrada said:
I like how Invasion is a remake of a remake.




actually its a remake of a remake of a remake. WB has remade that movie twice already in 1978 and 1993.

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