NEWS: Crystal to Fallon: Not So Fast, I\'m Just As Awful As You

CELEB: Crystal to Fallon: Not So Fast, I'm Just As Awful As You

And you thought Jimmy Fallon was terrible? Hot on the heels of the news that Fallon will take over the great Conan O'Brien's late night spot, comes word that Billy Crystal is looking to do a talk show of his own.



If tragedy really does come in three's expect Cedric the Entertainer to announce a talk show any second now.



Crystal or Fallon, seriously, who's worse? Like comparing hurricanes and earthquakes, a punch in the gut, to a punch in the face, AIDS and cancer... Okay, that's a bit much, AIDS never ruined an SNL sketch.



Let's compare these two plagues upon laughter, shall we?



OVERALL FUNNINESS

Tough one... I can't recall either of them ever making me or anyone I respect, laugh. Was Fallon ever involved in a decent SNL sketch? Possibly, but I doubt he was the one doing the "funny."



Crystal isn't funny either. Plus, he's partially responsible for enabling Robin Williams and his furniture climbing, "hilariousness," for so many laughter-free years.



Fallon has at least hung around funnier people recently and at least (possibly?) knows enough to mimic actual comedy cadence and delivery. Plus, he's not a hundred... FALLON I guess.



PERSONALITY

Fallon is likable in that way that is actually completely unlikable. Smiles a lot, sure... But, really, who needs it?



Crystal is more smug and self-satisfied. I get the feeling he's always a moment away from giving you a lecture on the history of comedy and his esteemed place in it. I guess it boils down to the "who would I rather have a beer with?" scenario that worked so well in electing Bush... Fuck. I'm tempted to give the edge to Fallon.



No, you know what, fuck that. At least Crystal is an adult. You could engage with him and have a civil, non-spazzy conversation and then leave. Fallon would hop off his barstool and then follow you out, bouncing two steps behind while peppering you with inane questions about where you're headed and whether or not you thought his ad-lib from five minutes ago was funny. CRYSTAL



TRACK RECORD

In terms of universal appeal, legend-status and box office record it's a landslide for Crystal. Starred in hit films, hosted the Oscars, and is beloved by the elderly. Fallon's legacy is having tousled hair while simultaneously being 25. He no longer has one of those. He sort of broke out on SNL, and then squandered it with a shitty film, a MTV hosting job and a disappearing act. CRYSTAL



MOVIE CAREER

Fallon starred in an atrocious movie, which Crystal has done, but without the whole "balancing it out with a good one," part. However, even the hit Crystal films are un-watchable. He was in The Princess Bride, but he was the worst part, so that cancels that out. I know people who claim When Harry Met Sally was good... and I recall chuckling at City Slickers as a kid. This is pointless as they're all infinitely better than Taxi. CRYSTAL



STAND-UP

Obviously they'd both have writers, but I'm guessing Fallon would hire the better group. And he'd trust them and do the material as written. I could easily see Crystal throwing out their jokes in favor of some story about catching a Hank Aaron ball when he was eleven and that's the moment he understood what "life" was about. FALLON



According to the the above criteria, Crystal takes it, making Fallon, worse.



To sum up, Crystal, slightly better than Fallon. Congrats?



Be advised, TheCoolerKing doesn't actually recommend watching either of these shows.

What? Richard Lewis wasn't also in the running?

It's a draw. A horrible, horrible draw.

I'd like the poke in the eye, please.

Isn't he dead?

while i am not a crystal fan, when his character on soap had good scenes he could be quite funny

nope, but he's been sober for a while now

several nitpicks.

fallon was in TWO crap films, Taxi and Fever Pitch.

Crystal has the appealling to kids thing with Monsters Inc. as well, and never underestimate the determination of a child to stay up to watch the late late show.

and also I'll like to point out that while I find the Crystal scene in "Princess Bride" to be hilarious, it's mostly because of Carol Kane, who I believe was an SNL alum...edited because I just realized she was also in Taxi..that is to say the tv show, not the movie...whatever my point is I'm not sure.

I'll have to admit that I personally can't stand ANY late light talk show hosts...or any talk show hosts regardless of their time slot, so Jimmy Fallon and Billy Crystal having talk shows is somewhat like someone telling me the price of cigarettes went up...I don't really care.

come to think of it, I don't even know why I'm writing this...I guess to justify my reading of the article as I was so curious as to whom "Crystal to Fallon" was referring.

But if you factor in animated fare, Crystal's voiceover work in two Pixar movies and a Miyazaki film puts him way over the top.

I think that's Richard Jeni.

I love Billy Crystal.

Okay, Billy Crystal has made a few crap movies (Father's Day is painful. And City Slickers II was tired and pointless). But the good FAR FAR FAR outweighs the bad. When Harry Met Sally... is the template for the new incarnation of the romantic comedy (which no movie has managed to match since). City Slickers is still funny as hell. Christ, I even have a soft spot for Running Scared despite the fact that it was directed by hack-supreme Peter Hyams. And of course, Soap is a television classic. AND Crystal was involved in the National Lampoon Radio Hour which makes all crap past, present and future null and void, in my book.
And as for SNL. There are PLENTY of unbelievably funny skits that he was involved in. The Jackie Rodgers Junior $25,000 Pyramid (playing Sammy Davis Jr.!). The 60 Minutes parody with Harry Shearer playing Mike Wallace, Martin Short playing nervous lawyer Nathan Therm, and Crystal and Christopher Guest playing aging Jewish, novelty joke manufacturers. The list goes on and on.
Now I am not excusing him from his Talk Show ambitions. The world needs another talk show like it needs to get hotter. Hell, it didn't even work for Martin Short, who is a brilliant comic in his own right. But to put Crystal in the same category as Jimmy FUCKIN' Fallon?!?
Shame on you! Jimmy Fallon is so monumentally unfunny and untalented that he makes Adam Sandler look like Groucho Marx! I fuckin' HATE Fallon and was hoping that some shit like Taxi would have ended his career, but alas he still has some fight left in him.
So, in closing - Crystal can fuck up and still be forgiven. Fallon (along with fellow SNL alumn Rob Schneider) should be dropped into a pool filled with rubbing alcohol and razor wire.

Both will be shit hosts. Particularly Fallon. I mean, he's replacing Conan O'Brien. One of the most genuinely likable guys around. Oh, and he was actually funny. I think Fallon will crash and burn the most visibly, but Crystal's show will just sort of disappear. I guess that depends on how much of an overall media hype his debut gets. Fallon has the most to lose from a career standpoint.

Billy Crystal has been unfunny for a lot longer than Fallon. He also teams up with unfunny Robin Williams and unfunny Whoopi Goldberg to feed homeless people by making no one laugh. He gets the show!

My over-all indifference to this entire fiasco is marred by the fact Conan is leaving and being replaced by one of the least funny people I can think of. He's the best person there was to replace Conan? Did comedy really die with Bill Hicks?

Well, "leaving" technically. But I don't see his stuff working on the Tonight Show, nor do I "see" him there, yet... there he goes.

Do people still watch late night tv?

Best doesn't seem to have much to do with it, I could name 10 people better suited for the job, as could anyone... But, somehow, this tool got it.

Bill Hicks, AS IS, could do a better job than Fallon.

Poor Conan. He's like a heavyweight boxer winning the belt by default (Note: I don't know enough about sports to know if this can actually happen). He goes up against a (supposedly but not really) great comedian and wins his time slot (not soon enough, but hey, what were the odds my generation would grow up overnight?). Now that he actually has it, he has two utterly second-rate comedians/"actors" from the generation before and after nipping at his heels. What the hell? Can't this man have a moment off? Shouldn't he have at least a month or two to decompress between "Late Night" and "The Tonight Show"? You can't decompress with hyenas attacking you. Trust me, I've done the research myself.

Bruno Kirby is one of the coolest names in human history. Fer reals.

Fallon doesn't seem like a bad choice actually. His excitement feels genuine when he's around "celebrities", and that will help keep things loose, or awkard, which brings the funny. Letterman was a weather man, Fallon may do a great job. Crystal, ehhh, no.

a.) Jimmy Fallon seems pretty genuine and unpretentious, which should translate well to talk shows even if he does dissolve into giggle fits every five seconds.
b.) Fever Pitch was a great movie.
c.) Jimmy Fallon is totally cute.

ADVANTAGE

Talk... shows?? You mean there is something else on late at night besides adult swim?

Long live Metalocalypse!

Nathan Explosion for talk show (?) host!

nah

just nah

I'm rather sick of the talk show format. I wish they would just let Conan do his funny without the interviews or musical guests.