I am writing this story quickly because I want to go to the beach. Which beach, you ask? A secret beach where absolutely no celebrities are allowed. That is because this week has done nothing but reinforce my belief that celebs are nothing but a bunch of frightening, terrible freaks.

First up we have Elle Magazine's interview with Terrence Howard. Terrence who? That was my response too, so I looked him up on IMDB. His cherubic, mustachioed countenance rose to fame via such vehicles as the highly overrated Crash and Oprah's TV movie. Up until now, I really couldn't have given a crap what Terrence Howard had to say about us women, our clothing, or our bathroom habits. But now I think he actually wants to kill us. Check out these gems:

TH: I like women who look like me. Generally, you're attracted to women who look like you, because the most beautiful thing in nature is your own reflection.
ELLE: Soyou like a lady with a pencil moustache?

A little weird but not downright awful, right? I mean, what self-respecting narcissist would date someone who didn't make it a little bit easier to imagine he's having gay sex with himself every night?
Then we have this:

TH: Now I'm completely chaste through a relationship unless I get married. I don't believe in premarital sex. It enabled me to date three or four women at the same time, because as long as I wasn't having sex with them, I could always just walk away.
ELLE: So are there many women out there wondering, "Why didn't Terrence ever have sex with me?"
TH: Yeah, but early on, I'd explain to them, "If we have sex, it's going to kill this thing." There were some who pushed for sex, and sometimes they won. Afterward, I would feel unclean, like I'd compromised my own values. So I would have to let them go because they didn't help me be a stronger person.

So let me get this straight...you don't believe in premarital sex. That's fine, I know plenty of sane people who are saving themselves for marriage (actually one sane one and a lot of loonies, but whatever). But you practice celibacy so you can be a pimp...wtf? And then if the female "wins" and you have sex with her anyway, you dump the whore for making you feel "unclean"? That's kind of fucked up.
And speaking of unclean:

ELLE: What one item could you find in a woman's house that would prove that you weren't compatible?
TH: Toilet paperand no baby wipesin her bathroom.
ELLE: Wait. I don't think I understand.
TH: If they're using dry paper, they aren't washing all of themselves. It's just unclean. So if I go inside a woman's house and see the toilet paper there, I'll explain this. And if she doesn't make the adjustment to baby wipes, I'll know she's not completely clean.

Um, this is America, mister. They're called baby wipes cause we use them on babies--individuals not yet old enough to wipe themselves. Reminds me of Sal's crazy French friend Remi in On the Road, ranting about our failure to use bidets..."the American, he is always walking around with a dirty azzhole!" Why don't you just go back to France, Terrence Commie?
Let's get this straight: You blame women for having sex with you, not cleaning their bums frequently enough, and not looking enough like Terrence Howard. You are either closeted, insane, or came from the '50s on a time machine because you really wanted to be in Mr. Holland's Opus (a movie about musicals).

Then we have the creeptastic reptilian cuteness that is The Olsen Twins (TM). We all know twins are creepy. There was a pair of them at my school who wore the same clothes, took the same classes, shared a bedroom, and collectively called a guy "their boyfriend." They creeped the hell out of me, and they weren't even WASPy, hollow-eyed, children of the corn. But check out this here picture of Ashley-Kate. She somehow manages to combine that dreaded corn-child stare with a hairstyle that reminds me of my scary aunt with all the cats. And she claims to be telepathic:

"Our bond is really beyond words. I know when she's hurting, I know when she's going through something. I know when she's happy - whether I'm with her or not, I know."

You hear that, Ashley? She knows. Best not go gaming on her dudes.

One more tidbit that I think is hilarious, if not terribly creepy, is Universal's placement of a giant billboard for The Bourne Ultimatum on the side of Matt Damon's building. I can just imagine the Team America version of him wandering confusedly around lower Manhattan, seeing the large likeness of his beautiful self, then happily shouting in his best Timmy voice, "Matt Damon! Matt Damon!" and waddling inside. Unfortunately, the billboard is everywhere, so anyone who lives in one of the affected buildings had best be on the lookout for stray Matt Damons.

That's all I can stomach for now...I'm blowing this joint. And if you are a scary, telepathic, woman-hating celebrity, don't even try to find me, cause I'm going to a nice, safe, secret, celebrity-free beach. I'm onto you.

LordHAlmighty

Citrus Heights, CA

July 2007

AUG 11, 2007 08:12 PM

Wasn't it in Team America that all Damon could say was, "Matt Damon!"

Terrence Howard will also be Robert Downey, Jr.'s co-star in next Summer's Marvel-fest, Iron Man (playing War Machine to Downey's Tony Stark... Favreau is directing... no, I'm not an industry plug, just a geek...)

All of this self-infatuation by today's young celebs... doesn't really surprise me. They seem - especially the Olsen's and their ilk (Brittany, Xtina, Lohan, etc.) - to thrive more off of attention and the media circus they create in their own wake than anything they actually *do* or *create*... no wonder they love themselves so much, that's all they were born and bred to do...

shapeshifter23

San Francisco, CA

September 2005

AUG 11, 2007 08:14 PM

"Our bond is really beyond words. I know when she's hurting, I know when she's going through something. I know when she's happy - whether I'm with her or not, I know."

At first read I thought it said "I know when she's hurling"... LOL

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

xazapdmytinu

Fort Collins, CO

July 2007

AUG 11, 2007 08:16 PM

hey, we've got plenty of celebrity free beaches in CO if you're having trouble!

I saw that Ashley/Kate thing on one of the evil celeb gossip ass papers at work today...shuddered at the thought.

Which brings me to my criteria for a woman's bathroom...if she has celebrity gossip magazines in there and wipes her ass with baby wipes I'm gonna steer clear.

MrStitches

Brooklyn, NY

November 2003

AUG 11, 2007 08:19 PM

I remember seeing something about a study they did that found that the vast majority of people find people that have certain facial characteristics in common with themselves the most attractive. It's not necessarily narcissism, just some weird thing.

LordHAlmighty

Citrus Heights, CA

July 2007

AUG 11, 2007 08:22 PM

... Mr. Stitches, I see your point... I like my women to have two eyes, a nose with a couple o' nostrils, a vertically opening mouth-like aperature, and a unibrow, too... Just being silly...

MrStitches

Brooklyn, NY

November 2003

AUG 11, 2007 08:25 PM

LordHAlmighty said:
... Mr. Stitches, I see your point... I like my women to have two eyes, a nose with a couple o' nostrils, a vertically opening mouth-like aperature, and a unibrow, too... Just being silly...

Don't make me kick your ass.
I'll do it.

To add specifics to my original post though, it was shit like, distance between eyes, and ratios of distances between other things and shit like that.

catdad

Portland, OR

August 2002

AUG 11, 2007 08:25 PM

Just to clarify, you aren't saying there is anything wrong with having a lot of cats, you are saying that you have a scary aunt who coincidentally has a lot of cats, right?

Wolfgang_

I'm lost

March 2007

AUG 11, 2007 08:39 PM

Hey, I like MK + A! And crazy old cat ladies rule

LordHAlmighty

Citrus Heights, CA

July 2007

AUG 11, 2007 08:42 PM

Stitches... all I ask is that you don't make me like it...

I get what you're saying, tho'... I can't remember precisely what it's called - but there's this "golden ration" between height and width that occurs throughout nature... flowers, rainbows, and even what are commonly deemed as attractive facial features... I don't think that applies to me, however, I *really* don't want a woman who has much in common, physically, with myself!!! She'd be a center in teh WNBA... ugh...

Gerry_D

Los Angeles, CA

May 2003

AUG 11, 2007 08:44 PM

yuck. Howard sounds crazier than Howard Hughes ever was - and at a much earlier age.

MrStitches

Brooklyn, NY

November 2003

AUG 11, 2007 08:50 PM

LordHAlmighty said:
Stitches... all I ask is that you don't make me like it...

I get what you're saying, tho'... I can't remember precisely what it's called - but there's this "golden ration" between height and width that occurs throughout nature... flowers, rainbows, and even what are commonly deemed as attractive facial features... I don't think that applies to me, however, I *really* don't want a woman who has much in common, physically, with myself!!! She'd be a center in teh WNBA... ugh...

I know what you are talking about, and the attractiveness thing I think is measured the same, or similarly to the way they use the golden ratio for facial features.

notquiteapinup

Denver, CO

October 2003

AUG 11, 2007 09:15 PM

Fibonacci sequence? maybe? that has to do with all of the golden ratio stuff.
but yeah- the olsens are creepy. for sure.