NEWS: Brett Ratner: Please Kill YourselfÂ… Just Hear Me Out

CELEB: Brett Ratner: Please Kill Yourself… Just Hear Me Out

I think Brett Ratner should kill himself. And I almost don't see another side to the argument.

Seriously. IÂ’m waiting to hear why this would be a bad idea. IÂ’m really asking. IÂ’m not just being glib to make a point.

Okay, sure, maybe it started that way. But once I looked at the situation it became harder and harder to deny that it really is whatÂ’s best for everyone, including Brett.

Here are multiple reasons why Brett Ratner should kill himself.

1) Zero percent chance of a Ratner-helmed X4. Zero percent chance of him ruining the Spider-Man franchise. Zero percent chance of him making any more middle of the road pap for 50-year-old midwesterners who wondered what it would be like to see a black dude and a Chinese dude hang out.

Those percentages are all at acceptable levels.

2) You know how people write about Ratner, and then you read what they wrote, and then youÂ’re sort annoyed you did? This piece included.

Well, that will stop happening. Sure, youÂ’ll suffer through the various obits and in a few years maybe youÂ’ll run across an article penned by some scientist looking to make a name for himself, claiming to have used emerging technology to pinpoint a moment of actual comedy in Rush Hour 3Â… but heÂ’ll undoubtedly be exposed as a fraud.

Other than that, you can forget all about Ratner.

3) From a global overpopulation standpoint one less person on this Earth is a good thing. More room for the rest of us. This would also free up many precious resources. Do you know how much food, energy, plastic, water, etc. the average person goes through in a day? I donÂ’t, but I assure you the number would sound impressive. All those valuable commodities could be redirected, in reasonable portions, to others more deserving.

4) Right now the only positive element you could take from his movies is the money they make. Sure, someone else could stick Chris Tucker in another movie where he regurgitates racial observations that were stale decades ago and itÂ’d be a hit, but, thatÂ’s not the point. The point is, if he died right now RatÂ’s legacy would be that of a borderline-douchey guy who shot some mediocre movies that made money.

Of the three, whatÂ’s the only factor likely to change? IÂ’ll give you a hint, he ainÂ’t getting less-douchey and movies donÂ’t get any more mediocre.

Sooner or later, even the un-demanding fuck-bags are bound to wake up and stop throwing money away 11 bucks at a time. On that day heÂ’ll have a film that loses cash. And his meager legacy will have been destroyed.

Hey, it may not happen, I mean, “un-demanding fuck-bag” isn’t an ironic designation and chances are that he will go to his natural death many years from now with a good box office track record. But, the only way to be 100% sure is for him to get out now.

5) His money and wealth will go to his family, a group far more deserving of it than him.

How do I know this? That theyÂ’re better people than he? My theory is, the further you get from Ratner, the less repugnant the individual.

With that in mind, though I know nothing specific about his immediate family, I do know this. At the very least, each of them is one person removed from being Brett Ratner.

6) Whether through fiction or real life, by now, are we not all familiar with the sad cliché of the “man whose true passion in life is denied him”? He toils year after year at a job he cares nothing for, eventually dieing a broken, bitter man, because he never had the chance to fulfill his dream...

I actually believe this is the case with Ratner. It is obvious his true gifts and talents lie in another profession.

Whatever job is the “opposite” of filmmaker. That’s what he should be doing.




TheCoolerKing is proud to be filing this article from the rolling hills of breathtaking northern New Jersey.

Wasn't the spider-man franchise already ruined?

I know Ratner's a hack, but I don't think even he could make the Spider-Man franchise worse than it's already gotten...

No one can make Spider-Man worse than it already is.

Ratner may not be a great director but he's inoffensive enough. Take a look at Uwe Boll before you critise any other director. While he lives, and spits out crap on a regular basis, I have no objection to almost any other director alive.

Basically; cut Ratner some some slack. There are far, far, far worse directors out there before you pick on the deeply mediocre ones.

Brett Ratner's an interesting choice. I probably would have gone the Michael Bay route, but you get points for originality.

the spider-man franchise is certainly not dead. No evidence to show it should be dead.

Ratner may not be the most innovative and breathtaking of directors, but I believe the Rush Hour series has been very successful in its market. You can't judge what comedy is "stale" and who should enjoy it (midwesterners?). Think of each state of the US as a separate culture and it is easy to realize that the American public has different tastes in popular culture and most certainly comedy.

Rush Hour is just movie based on physical comedy. You get about only two or three of those every year so, I don't believe its that outrageous to expect Rush Hour 4 in theaters.

The best part is, Ratner doesn't care what you think or I think. I don't think he has been sober for more than 10 minutes at a time to care what movie hes filming or whether or not people like him

Brett Ratner? What about the horrific Gorillia-Elephant Hybrid in the room that nobody wants to talk about?

I speak of course of Uwe Boll. The year 2007 alone will see 4 Boll-Bombs dropped on multiplexes all over the globe. ....AND he's German! We didn't stop Hitler until it was too late! Let's nip this one in the bud right now, shall we?

Yeah, keep him away from the "X" franchise. There's no need to kill him.....just lock him away....for a long time....in a room with no electrical sockets.....so he can't watch or make any more movies.

...or not. Whatever. But for heaven's sake, KEEP HIM AWAY FROM X4!!

I love Rush hour, so what if I don't use all my braincells when watching it and it isn't some obscure examination of society. Or some director's wet dream or bathed in "visual language."

Not everything has to be profound and moving to be art. Art can be entertaining. Every piece of entertainment in the world doesn't have to be approved by your elitist filter; If you don't like it, well that's fine. If you want to point out why you don't like it, great! But others do, and you don't have to shit on them or on the creators.

am I the ONLY PERSON who liked X-Men 3???

Come on, people. No one has heard of Uwe Boll. He is not allowed near movies with large budgets or A list celebrities.

Ratner is a cancer on the face of America. He must kill himself.

Well, corpse isn't the opposite of film-maker, but it's close enough to satisfy me.

I like to credit it with Ben Foster's rise to popularity...yeah, I know some people say it was Alpha Dog, but so many people have played the anti-semitic jew, while he's the only person who's played archangel.

and I still give kudos to him for finally giving Kitty Pride an actual speaking role, even if some people were confused as to where the fuck she had come from so suddenly.

I suppose I should add a footnote says I am well aware that her probably doesn't deserve ANY credit for Kitty pride, since however bad he is at directing he's obviously bad enough at writing to know he sucks too much to try it...of course I'm not looking at his bio so I could be mistaken in that assumption as well.

I'm sorry, but must disagree. Boll is the cancer. His release schedule is quickening. Soon he'll surpass Takashi Miike levels of quantity production. By the year 2010, he'll be releasing about 57 movies annually. I can't let that happen.

Ratner sucks, but naturally, he's slow. Take out Uwe swiftly, yet painfully and I'll be the first to call open season on Ratner.

You are not alone.

Brett Ratner would be like Cheez Whiz, if Cheez Whiz were made of NyQuil and Valium.

Oh yeah, no argument there.

I'm not saying he shouldn't off himsef, too. And I know there are worse guys out there, Uwe Boll, Paul W.S. Anderson, etc.

The difference is no one is saying that those guys are good directors, no one (basically) is going to see their movies, which is the case with Ratner. People think he's good, and there's almost been a backlach against the backlash, but he isn't. He sucks.

It's like Dane Cook, obviously Carrot Top is a worse comic than he is, but the Top's not fooling anyone. And what's the point in mocking someone everyone already hates and despises?

Ok, well, I know the answer to that.

OK, while I don't really want anyone to kill themsleves (maybe exisled to an island in the south pacific), I also know that the only reason he is still allowed to make movies is that he keeps making money for people.

Let's try getting people to stop seeing his movies.

Or put his eyes out, that'll work also.

It's been a long time since we can all agree on something, let's not ruin this wonderful artilce and 10 threads worth of agreements by turning this into a suicide wishlist. This is just about a terrible man, who we are all urging to do the right thing.

So be it. I'll put my Uwe Boll Voodoo Doll (or UweDoo Boll, if you will) back in it's rusty box for now and raise a glass to the death of Ratner.

May a Phoenix eat at his guts in hell.

I dont even know who this guy is...I do Like the rush hour movies...I Like Jackie Chan movies...I like Chris Tucker...I seen some movies that I never even got and according to some of the reviews...it was deep and brilliant. I thought whoever made this crap movie should have just saved me the trouble and created a lesbian porn flick which would have been a lot more entertaining. Lost Highway...Crappy ass movie...I never hear people slamming that dude...I think you have to be on drugs to get that movie...hence it would have been better off as a Lesbian porn flick. Oh I looked up lost highway on google and remember also seeing Mulholland Dr....what a fucking waste of time...After seeing either of those two films I thought jeeze what a fucking waste! Accept for the nude women of course. yet some people find the movies to be brilliant...I find it to be complete Garbage!

Brett Ratface: The jerk that fucked the X-Men over completely.

Though I do agree that Spider-man was already ruined... I mean, please. DANCING? Emo fringes? What a terrible, terrible way to make a comic book film. Shame on you, Raimi.

I have never heard of him before, but if by this quote, you mean he is the piece of shit responsible for the Rush Hour movies, then by all means, the fucker should jump into a vat of sulphuric acid.

I just...

wow.