NEWS: Chris Gore's Footage Fetishes: Phony Film Freak Out

CULTURE: Chris Gore's Footage Fetishes: Phony Film Freak Out

I’ve seen thousands of films in my life. However, it pains me to know that there are some I may never get a chance to see. I want to see the art film classic The Flower that Drank the Moon. The Man with Two Things and That’s Armageddon are two exploitation films I would travel anywhere to catch. And I really want to see George Lucas’ horror flick Blue Harvest from 1983. The trouble is that I will never see any of them because none of these films actually exist. That is, unless someone goes ahead and makes films with these names. The aforementioned titles belong to a small category of movies within movies.

The mockumentary The Independent features a slew of phony films including posters for classics like Heil Titler which one can only hope will actually be made someday.

For years, I’ve kept track of references to these fictional flicks in fact I usually experience a little nerdgasm when I notice one in a movie. I especially appreciate it when a filmmaker wishes to fill in details of a movie by creating films that can only be seen in that imaginary world. For me, that universe becomes even more real when that place has its own movies.

Janeane Garofalo and Jerry Stiller star in The Independent about the fictional world of Fineman Films.

There’s one film in particular, The Independent release in 2000 that follows the life of schlock film producer Morty Fineman played by Jerry Stiller. Morty is kind of a Troma Films/Lloyd Kaufman-type who has made some of the most bizarre films in movie history. Take for example, the bizarre legal drama Christ for the Defense, which is noteworthy just for its name and features Jesus going ultra violent in the court room. The filmmakers even went so far as to create fake movie posters to promote the film with titles like Cage Full of Waitresses, That's Armageddon, Heil Titler, The Foxy Chocolate Robot, The Man with Two Things and World War III Part II. It’s sort of a Spinal Tap for exploitation films and does not disappoint in the phony film department.

Another Morty Fineman classic film from The Independent. The movie was inspired by the life of schlockmeister Lloyd Kaufman.

Other references are more subtle, such as the one in that director Terry Zwigoff worked into Ghost World during a scene in a video store. Playing in the background is an earnest and artfully crafted trailer for a sure to be Oscar winner called The Flower that Drank the Moon. I nearly choked on a raisinet when I saw that. The voiceover for the fake trailer is especially convincing in all of its dullness.

Other favorite phony film references include the sci-fi movie Chubby Rain which was the movie being made in Steve Martin’s Bowfinger. Mant, about a man who becomes a murderous ant, appears in the film Matinee starring John Goodman. Mant includes all of clichés of 1950s monster movies, and director Joe Dante even went so far as to make a 30-minute version of the flick to be shown in the background. (You can see the entire half hour version of Mant on the DVD.)

Stab 3 appeared as the fictional film being made in Scream 3. Blue Harvest is a horror film used as a cover during the making of Return of the Jedi.

In the original Back to the Future, Michael J. Fox passes in front of a movie marquee that lists Watch the Skies and A Boy's Life, the working titles for Steven Spielberg's Close Encounters and E.T.

One particularly notable phony films appears in the late Robert Altman film The Player. Bruce Willis and Julia Roberts actually star in scenes from Habeas Corpus, a legal thriller, and the climax of the phony film appears during The Player’s final act as well.

In most of his movies, director John Landis includes a reference to a movie called See You Next Wednesday which is also the title of the porno movie featured in An American Werewolf in London.

Kevin Smith has practically cornered the market on references to phony films within his movies. Much of is debut feature Clerks takes place in a video store where Randall can be heard discussing movies in which the titles alone provide the entertainment, here’s a partial list: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup, Whispers in the Wind, To Each His Own, Put It Where It Doesn't Belong, My Pipes Need Cleaning, All Tit-Fucking Volume 8, I Need Your Cock, Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers, My Cunt Needs Shafts, Cum Clean, Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts, Cum Buns III, Cumming in Socks, Cum On Eileen, Huge Black Cocks and Pearly White Cum, Men Alone II: the KY Connection, Pink Pussy Lips, and, All Holes Filled with Hard Cock. Oddly, the adult titles sound all too real. And Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back includes scenes being shot for Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season as well as a poster for Ben Affleck starring in Moonraper which sounds oddly realistic. And the movie itself is about the film adaptation of the Bluntman and Chronic comic book.

Bruce Campbell is pictured in this poster for Sand Pirates of the Sahara which appeared in the Jim Carrey movie The Majestic. Moonraper starring Ben Affleck can be found in Kevin Smith's Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

Here’s a short list of some of the standouts from years past:

Log Jammin' from The Big Lebowski.

Jaws 19 from Back to the Future Part II.

The Night the Reindeer Died from Bill Murray’s Scrooged.

Coot starring with Paul Newman which appeared during the Oscar ceremony in the Kevin Kline film In and Out.

The Dancing Cavalier from Singing in the Rain!

Dark Windows from Death Becomes Her.

The Old Mill from State and Main.

Grotesque and Grotesque Part II from Get Shorty.

On Seinfeld there were episodes with the movies Prognosis: Negative, and Rochelle Rochelle: A Young Woman's Strange Erotic Journey from Milan to Minsk.

Rear Entry, the gerbil film from John Waters' Cecil B. Demented.

Meet Pamela from Francois Truffaut's Day for Night.

Attack of the Pickle People from S.O.B.

Jim Belushi's character in Joe Somebody stars in Quick to Kill and Tom Sawyer Must Die.

In The Hard Way, Michael J. Fox's character, Nick Lang, is the star of Smoking Gun II.

Abe and the Babe from the Kevin Bacon classic The Big Picture.

In True Romance, watching dailies from Joel Silver's (I mean, Lee Donowitz's) Coming Home in a Body Bag (Part 2).

Also there's the hilarious scene in Barton Fink where John Turturro sits horrified watching the dailies of Blood, Sweat and Canvas.

One of my personal favorites, Too Many Grandmas starring Olympia Dukakis and Bo Derek from an episode of The Simpsons.

And in Blow Out, the film that John Travolta's character is doing the sound effects for is called Bordello of Blood, which he can't find a convincing scream for... until the end, when he ends up cold-heartedly using Nancy Allen's real-life death scream...

This list alone proves that phony films seem to be an obsession for many filmmakers. To me, these films are absolutely real. They have a life. They may only exist as films within other films, but I’d love to see one of these get made some day. Well, at least in my own imagination.

Gore gone.

One of Chris_Gore's pointless goals is to stand in movie lines and loudly praise "fake" films in an effort to spread the idea that they are real.

In The Lost World: Jurassic Park, there are some good ones in the video store.

I think I have a picture somewhere....

http://suicidegirls.com/members/ardour/albums/member/137818/

There, don't know if that'll work.

i forget the Mr. Show ones - but those made me laugh too - heil titler

Coupon: the Movie

Of course there are also movies that the world is better off without.

i remember a movie theater marquee from a classic SIMPSONS episode featured HOT GRITS A FLYIN'. i always loved that...

Oh, and the Cohen Brothers got the title for one of their films from Preston Sturges' SULLIVAN'S TRAVELS about a film director who goes on an odyssey to research his next project to be entitled OH BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU?

So I guess there's one phony film we did eventually get to see, no?

How about O' BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU? from Sturges' SULLIVAN'S TRAVELS? One of the only instances I can think of where a fake film was actually made later on.

Umm, I was actually writing my post when you posted yours, so sorry for the redundancy, but I am not a plagiarist!

I also like "SACK LUNCH" from Seinfeld.

30 Rock has a number of great Tracy Jordan films, including "Fat Bitch" and "Honky Grandma Be Trippin'"

And what of the film Barton Fink was writing?

Or the FANTASTIC movie that Justin Theroux was directing in Mulholland Dr.?

The Foxy Chocolate Robot is one of the best names for a movie that never existed.

also from Seinfeld there was Chunnel, Death Blow, Checkmate, Agent Zero, Cry Cry Again, Blame it on the Rain, Chow Fun, The Other Side of Darkness, Means to an End (i think), Ponce de Leon, Brown Eyed Girl...fuck! i never realized how many there were...craziness!

Was that the one that was in 3D? I forget. I was trying to remember the name of the movie they were making in the old Humphrey Bogart film "Stand-In" but I forgot. That is one worth checking out.

Great article, that was a lot of fun to read.

The greatest movie never made?

Two words: Lucky Star

The Story...

This is probably your best column ever! I loved it!!!

MANT!

But my favorite is the slasher movie from Monster Squad - Groundhog Day Part 12!

"Devil's Squadron" from THE STUNT MAN.

I think the JAWS 19 marquee said it was directed by Spielberg's then-toddler son, Max.

In Grindhouse Tarantino and Rodriguez had awesome fake trailers that were made by both them and their peers as previews and in the intermission between the two movies.

"Machete" by Robert Rodriguez
"Werewolf Women of the SS" by Rob Zombie
"Don't" by Edgar Wright (Shawn of the Dead, Hot Fuzz)
"Thanksgiving" by Eli Roth
"Hobo with a Shotgun" by Jason Eisener, John Davies, and Rob Cotterill (This was some sort of contest winner, or so I have heard.)

Some are actually being made into movies but I guess time will tell, I was so captivated by these and the fact that people should be making them as well, all of them really, if I could I would... Maybe tomorrow...
jbmars

Now that is a weird story! I never heard about that.

I just watched a Simpson's episode where Krusty walks by the Springfield X Theater playing For Your Thighs Only, Crocodile Done Me and Dr. Strangepants.