NEWS: Why Do I Fuck Thee? Let Me Count The Ways

CULTURE: Why Do I Fuck Thee? Let Me Count The Ways

Humans have sex. Lots of it.

We give it many names; intercourse, coitus, "making love," fucking, boinking, and so on. According to the Kinsey Institute, 54% of men think about doin' the nasty everyday or several times a day, while only 19% of women give nookie the same amount of thought.

But why do we make whoopee? University of Texas researchers spent five years on a study to answer that very question, and discovered over 200 reasons for the No-Pants Dance.

Some others on the bottom of the list include "I wanted to punish myself," "I wanted to get a job," and, I shit you not, "I wanted to feel closer to God."

Speaking of conservative Christians, "I wanted to have a child" also ranked poorly.. Because they don't have sex. Jesus rides a stork and drops the baby in the cabbage patch. That's how it goes, right?

The top ten reasons for sex (men and women) are as follows:

Now all we need is a study titled "Why They Don't Call the Next Morning."

"Why Humans Have Sex"

thefreak wonders why "Couldn't Pay for the Pizza" didn't make the list.

"I really needed my cable fixed"

"Cocaine's a helluva drug."

On the men's list aren't numbers 2,3, and 9 basically the same thing? Same with 6 and 7.

Doesn't seem like rocket science.... just sayin'.

"Oh yes. I need my pipes cleaned"

Yeah. There's actually just 10 reasons, but 237 different ways to say them.

Did they keep track of who filled out these responses?...

The problem is that they try to find rational reasons for actions that have already happened for irrational reasons.

In other words, the answers you get are not the reasons for having sex.. they are attempts at rationalisation of having sex long after (when we are also likely to be somewhat reluctant to recall the events fully and speak about them truthfully).

That people don't say "because I fell in love" or "because he was beautiful as a prince" or "because she was so gentle" is merely a cultural difference between us and our grandparents, but the reasons are always the same and irrational.

(Jacques Brel, "Bruxelles")

"My hands were tired."

There needs to be a reality show based around "I wanted to improve my sexual skills." Sit the person down, tell them that's why you had sex with them and have a radar gun clock at what speed their body hits the second floor window.

I think people are lying on these surveys. For example, "54% of men think about doin' the nasty everyday or several times a day." The other 46% are lying. C'mon what guy does not think of it at least once a day?

How about, "I felt my abs could've used the workout"?

I'm doing it because there is just absolutely nothing but crap on TV.

how about "for the cash?"

The top rated reasons are alright, but the real gold is in the most infrequent reasons that came up:

- Because of a bet
- I wanted to get rid of a headache
- I wanted to change the topic of conversation
- It was an initiation rite to a club or organization
- I wanted to have more sex than my friends
- I thought it would make me feel healthy
- It is my genetic imperative

"I slipped"

"She told me she wanted to"
"I wanted her to shut the fuck up"
"Because i didn't want to masterbait so i used her body to do it for me"
"Because it would make the other girls jelious"
"Managment is not responsible for actions when Drunk"

"because i thought it would improve my spelling"

"It was a DOUBLE dog dare. You can't deny a double dog dare."

Number 8 for women was "I realized I was in love." Not so much for the men, most of whom coincidently will say the precious three words before the woman like a clapper for the zipper if they think it will get them a coveted piece of ass. So women mean it, or at least say they do and show it physically, men say it, and then fuck it, it's time to fuck.

This didn't cost money...right?

They spent five years on this? I think I need to get a research job at the University Of Texas.

It was either sex or smash a kitten with a cinderblock.