NEWS: Sharks: The Jerks of the Ocean

CULTURE: Sharks: The Jerks of the Ocean

Once again it's time to celebrate that most popular of all God's killing machines... the shark. That's right, Discovery Channel's annual Shark Week.

Would sharks be as popular if they had the ability to follow us onto land? I doubt it. If apes started randomly punching people their popularity would drop as fast as... well, the people they were hitting.

But, we have legs and can use them to leave bodies of water and for that reason they are somehow still super-popular.

The following video features a shark hypnotist. I wasn't aware that hypnotism had been perfected on humans yet. In fact, I have a smoking uncle who's living, coughing proof that it hasn't been. Hmmm... Maybe wait until it's 100% effective on creatures you can reason with before trying it out on unstoppable engines of death and misery? No? Okay...



This man has just given up his right to our sympathy when a shark inevitably eats him. A day, a month, a year, whatever... It will happen, and when it does... he had it coming.

I'll go even further, ANY freak accident that befalls him, lightning strike, anvil crushing, quicksand, whatever the case may be. The moment you feel bad for him, say to yourself, "Well, there was that time he tried hynotizing that shark and nothing bad happened to him... I guess he was one up."



Shark Week? There needs to be a "this poor woman" week. Holy shit. Is it a little exploitative to have her tell her shark-attack tale, film a re-enactment of said attack and then let the camera linger on her for seconds after the revelation that her leg was bitten off, all in service of a week devoted to the sharks? I'm not sure either but it was creepy to watch.

Boy, I sure hope you hate sea-turtles.



Don't worry, I have it on good authority that that turtle was a racist. Maybe he should've been allowed to use a gun or something cause that was a one-sided blowout.

Admittedly, my grasp on evolution isn't iron-clad but... I'm guessing that if that shark kills hundreds more turtles, while wounding a few, and then the few who lived breed, and then some of them are wounded while hundreds more are killed... And the few that are left again breed and so on and so forth... In about 2 million years there's gonne be a 25-foot long sea-turtle who's pissed off, impervious to shark bites and ready to get some revenge.

I bet he'll even have an eye patch.

TheCoolerKing looks forward to one day yelling at a shark from the safety of a steel boat.

I'm pretty sure they're assholes.

My favorite video is still the bull shark attack from "Anatomy Of A Shark Bite."

There's a dail\ry a couple miles from here and if you pick the right mushrooms just before dawn after a rain, you might.

Or just wait another 2 million years or so.

Yup, they're definitely fucking assholes.

Umm . . they did - I saw a documentary once about a Land Shark that rang doorbells pretending to be a delivery person and then attacking residents. It was horrible.

It was late one Saturday night on NBC in the 70s. Lorne Greene was the producer and John Belushi was part of the documentary team, I believe.

Er, you meant Michaels. The other one was Ben Cartwright and Commander Adama.

sharks are super awesome, you all know this.

They would be....if they had frickin' laser beams attached to their heads.

i'm safe. i only go swimming with my good robot buddy Buster, Shark Puncher.

One gripe with this article... this statement here.

I think it would make that ape incredibly popular. People love their hilarious monkey violence.

I think they call that "pro wrestling."

Exactly.

I concur

i have seen baby sharks under my boat, about 4 of them on shallow waters, here on the GALAPAGOS, they are so cute, i can only imagine how big their mama would look

This week only makes me want to shark dive again. I need to move to the shore.

I agree with you 100% about not feeling sorry for him WHEN something happens... . but comeon that was pretty freaking cool!

Pfft...sharks are practically Mother Teresa compared to James "the Nigger Hating" Dolphin!

Fixed.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

so angry you are..you have vaild points butttttttt.......get mad at the film crew who bait and tease........who sit in protected cages and make money off natural creatures who have been swimming and living longer than us.

i love sharks. i think they are cute. I can't wait to go shark diving.

I had a 5 foot shark snap my fishing rod in half when I was fishing in Tampa Bay several years ago after it almost pulled me over the pier...sharks are indeed assholes.

So wait, does this mean i'm a shark on land?
Whoah, hold on man... i'm an aquarious, not a pisces!
i wuoldn't touched the damn sark with fucking ten foot pole.
we'll just go tell the dolphins where he's hiding.

hmmm, you wan't me to slow down to digg this, tell that sark to stop swimming so fast.

Not even remotely angry. Shark Week is great.

Oh it was awesome. Not too often do you get to see a guy balance a shark on end like it was a cane.