NEWS: True Stories by Rob Corddry: First-Ever “Rob is in a movie being released this weekend” Review

CULTURE: True Stories by Rob Corddry: First-Ever “Rob is in a movie being released this weekend” Review

The First-Ever “Rob is in a movie being released this weekend” Movie Review!


I play a small but fun role in a hilarious movie opening this Friday called The Ten. It was directed by David Wain (Wet Hot American Summer) and stars every member of his former sketch group, The State, as well as many huge Hollywood stars like Winona Ryder, Famke Jansen and Adam Brody, to name just a few.

I’m never one for shameless self-promotion so I find it hard asking you to go see this very funny movie. It’s only in thirty-or-so theaters, which places it, at best, in the “art-house” category. Suffice to say, we would definitely benefit from your purchasing a ticket. But I understand that there are a lot of great movies premiering this weekend and I would rather you go see a movie that fits your tastes than go to a film you’ve been pandered into seeing.

To which end, IÂ’ve written short reviews for some of the movies opening on the same day as The Ten. I hope this collection inspires you to make an informed choice. At any rate, you canÂ’t go wrong with any of these movies, they are all special in their own way! Have a great weekend and keep reaching for the stars!


The Bourne Ultimatum
This movie has AIDS. DonÂ’t go see it. YouÂ’ll get AIDS. Guaranteed. This movie claims to have caught AIDS on a recent trip to Africa after it was bitten by a Rhesus monkey, but I have first-hand information that this movie caught AIDS after it fucked the whole UMass basketball team. This movie is a slut.


Hot Rod
Far be it from me to give career advice, but after having been voted “The Funniest Man on the Planet” by the Internet, the last thing you should do is go make a porno. And what run-of-the-mill fare! As far as I can tell this skin-flick is about a guy with a moustache who rides a motorcycle to the various places he fucks Isla Fisher.

Don’t get me wrong; I love Andy Samberg. I think he has taken Saturday Night Live into the digital age and the show hasn’t been this funny since it was all about Will Ferrell’s tummy. But what a terrible porn name! Andy Samberg? I assume he got it from the infamous “Hot Samburg,” which is a cross between a “Dirty Sanchez,” a “Doggy in a bathtub” and a “Bullwinkle.” Don’t go see this movie. It may also have AIDS.


Underdog
My friend, Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee is in this movie and I wish her the best, but this is one of those movies that takes unnecessary liberties with an established and beloved character. Underdog was a cartoon that was watched by, literally, HUNDREDS of fans, and they will not take kindly to Hollywood messing with their favorite talking-dog superhero.
Speaking of which, IMDB claims that Underdog came into being after “a lab accident gives a hound named Shoeshine some serious superpowers.” But we all know that it was drugs that gave “Shoeshine boy” his awesome abilities. He took a “super energy pill” and could suddenly fly. This was edited out of syndicated broadcasts. Also edited out of broadcasts is Samantha Bee’s drug use. She is rarely not high. Ticket sales from this movie will go straight up her nose. Don’t go see it.


El Cantante
If youÂ’re a racist (and who isnÂ’t) you will hate this movie.


Bratz: The Movie
I hate to admit it but this movie genuinely scared the pants off me. I watched most of the movie through the slits of my fingers. I found myself yelling at the screen, “No! Don’t go in that door! (Wearing that!)” I had nightmares for days after screening it. This movie is a masterpiece of Modern American Horror. If you love scary movies, line up early for this future classic. Line up early, buy a ticket for The Ten, and sneak into Bratz.


Becoming Jane Austen
Finally, a movie set in 1795 thatÂ’s not based on a Jane Austen novel.


The Ten
The most important movie ever made. Ever heard of the Ten Commandments? Well, this movie has that shit inside of it! This movie is funny. It stars Gretchen Moll and Jessica Alba so it is also sexy! It also stars Liev Schreiber so it is Tony Award winning! It stars Ron Silver so this movie loves America! It also stars Paul Rudd so it is funny, accessible, charismatic, handsome and versatile! It also stars Rob Corddry, which means itÂ’s bald and has to buy a house. Please go see it.


I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry
This movie opened a few weeks ago but itÂ’s still doing way better than it should be. DonÂ’t go see this film. Please? Just go see The Ten. We really need it. Did I mention that director David Wain has ParkinsonÂ’s disease? That is the honest-to-god truth. His drugs are very expensive and if you go see I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry you are literally killing him. By the way, I am in I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry. ThatÂ’s how much you should go see The Ten.


Blame it on Fidel
IÂ’m bored. Did I mention I have a daughter to feed? Yeah. And the residuals I get paid from you seeing The Ten go directly into her mouth. The money I get from you seeing Chuck and Larry will have AIDS. ThatÂ’s a fact.


Summer Â’04
Is this really a movie? Oh my God, weÂ’ll definitely beat this one. I think itÂ’s German. Ha! I hope so. WeÂ’re going to destroy this movie!
Oh shit, I just IMDB’d it. It says it’s, “A German film made in the French mode.” Holy Shit! We are going to bury this movie! The “French mode”! Oh man!


Charlie Bartlett
Have you seen Rushmore? Then youÂ’ve seen this movie. Go See The Ten.

I haven't laughed out loud (yes, I spelled it out) that many times reading one thing that wasn't written by an NPR alum ever. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

The wife and I will happily help feed your baby and buy you a house (boat).

^^^We will not buy you a house, boat or not. But we will see The Ten.

i think Rob should do a regular film review for SG

Those are without a doubt the best reviews I've ever read.

I loved The State, so I will be seeing this movie.

I'm quite excited to see The Ten. Thank God I live in one of those "art house" cities. Make sure when you buy your new house that it doesn't have AIDS. Unless it's Magic Johnson AIDS because I hear that actually makes you bigger and stronger.

i'm sold.

Well, I don't live in an art house city, but I'll definitely rent The Ten when it's on dvd. I haven't laughed that hard since you were on the Daily Show!

If this movie is a chance to spend two hours staring lustfully at Adam Brody, then I'm there.

Also, Rob Corddry normally has a habit of choosing good comedies to cameo in (Blades of Glory, anyone?) so it sounds promising.

what a douche

+1 douche

I have a couple of comments about your comments:

1. Thanks Toothpickmoe for writing possibly the most pretentious comment ever. But you are right, I am way funnier than Kai Ryssdal. I appreciate your appreciation but I do not want to get coffee with you.
1.5. Magic Johnson AIDS will not make you stronger. They will make you smiley-er.
2. Jenni is incorrect. I made an appearance in "Failure to Launch", which is not a good movie. And I was serious when I said I make an appearance in "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry". I'm not sure if that movie is good because I haven't seen it (don't want AIDS).
3. I would like to be the first to welcome ncorddry to the site. My brother Nate is also an "ncorddry" so I feel an immediate kinship with you. However, I read your blog and you are far less interesting than Nate. Why do you hate flowers?

Boom.

who wants to take the over/under on whether or not "the ten" makes 10 million this weekend?

smart money's on under


honestly, you're a douche


nailed it!

I can think of no greater tribute to the late Ingmar Bergman than watching The Ten at full-fare ticket price this weekend.

Well, jeez, my whole SG existence was pretty much validated by that comment up there. No bullshit.

Also, you bad-mouthed my wife's boyfriend, so I might have to fight you. Hopefully with undercooked pork chops or something, because I'm not gifted in conventional hand to hand combat. And, hopefully, neither are you.

I don't drink coffee anymore (bum heart) so how about some white wine on the banks of the Vltava (I'm really trying to play up the pretentiousness here)?

PS- Flowers are easy to hate. They die so easily (this is still a goth site, right?)

Well, Failure to Launch was crap. But, Blades of Glory and that '...Chuck and Larry' movie were quite good so ... I don't know what to make of you. You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a puzzle.

And I'm still going to see The Ten for Adam Brody. Hubba hubba.

Hubba Hubba indeed Jenni. Hubba Hubba indeed...

Please tell me you Googled Kai's name for proper spelling and you don't actual have that knowledge stored permanently somewhere. You might need that brain space for something! Keep it open.

Also: I will see The Ten, if only in an attempt to cleanse my psyche of the nightmare I endured sitting through Chuck and Larry last weekend. It nearly singlehandedly put me off movies forever. Not your fault! But still.

ncorddry - I'm friendly with David Wain, and an independent filmmaker myself. You have absolutely no clue how impossible and exhausting it is to get a movie made, yet alone a movie as different and funny as 'The 'Ten' is. So, let me help you out. David probably made the film for around 3 million dollars. The film is an indie that was picked up by a studio for distribution -- again, the odds of this are impossible as well. The studio probably put up a few million (if that) for the films' Print and Advertising (marketing and cost of the prints and shipment of prints to theatres).

So, that being said, if the film does make 10million in its opening weekend domestic Box Office (which is probably not likely only due to the fact that is in limited release), it's already a major hit. If you want to be a hater, go hate shitty studio films. Not films made by people for the love of making films. There's typically no money in independent film; they are made because a grup of people are passionate and believe in what they are creating together.

Rob Corddry -- is a funny, funny man who actually contributes something positive to the world. You on the other hand, are a 29 year-old who brags about being unemployed.

Honestly, you might be the biggest douche I've ever read a comment from on this site.

Get Moe to get it sorted. He's the man for a soiree... one suave motherfucker.

man, that's one hell of a coincidence ain't it?

also:

do i even need to comment on that line, or did it just reach out from the screen and jerk everyone else off too?

That is last time I ever stand up for a bald actor's movie again.

And of course. d20, I knew that Nate, the equally famous brother of Rob Corddry, was born in 1977. Everyone knows that!

Just like everyone knows that Stephen Baldwin was born in 1966.