NEWS: Next Time You Try to Kill An Old Man Make Sure You Finish the Job

CULTURE: Next Time You Try to Kill An Old Man Make Sure You Finish the Job

While scouring the net for things that look atrocious (ex. a typical Will Smith movie), as well as things that look promising (ex. Will Smith bows out of a movie allowing an actor to perform the role), occasionally I find odd human interest type stories that I can't believe aren't made up (ex. man finds cookie that resembles Will Smith, doesn't care).

Firmly in the last category, is this recent story.

Wow. What's there to say... I don't ask for too much more from a news story. This one has it all. Other than, say, adding a part at the end where the old man makes out with the robber's hot girlfriend/getaway driver or maybe finding out the robber was an in-disguise Bin Laden, I don't know what else it could have. Old man hero, recovering from supreme beatdown, shooting his attacker.

He's 93. He was struck "at least 50 times." At least.

How many times would you think you'd need to hit a 93 year old? Hypothetically... Once? Twice for safety? I'd guess "no more than 5 times." Or, 6, if you're OCD. This guy went with 50. I'd have thought 50 would be good enough to fell a hippo. 40 unanswered punches should be able to drop boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr.

Why the extra? Was the victim making wisecracks after every shot? "You call that a punch?" "Shut the door, I just felt a breeze graze my cheek..." Or was Willie out after the first few but the thief wanted to avoid any "horror movie" multiple-awakenings?

And, it turns out, 50 WASN'T ENOUGH! Either Willie is made of bear-balls and broken glass or this mugger is in possession of the "world's girliest punch." He should do an ID check before his selecting his next victim, no one in double digits.

The man had hearing problems?! 93 and hard of hearing wasn't enough to tilt the tide in the assailant's favor? Can you imagine the scene if Willie had had his hearing aids in?

This guy is lucky "being a pussy" isn't a chargeable offense in Arkansas.



TheCoolerKing sort of regrets adopting this "witty, italicized thing at the end" format.

Omg I can only hope I can be like that when I'm old.

More proof old dudes are cool.

He's a 93 year old Bad ass.... Why the Hell didn't he pull out his Sword cane? Or was the gun a Luger? All old Bad asses have both of these. For when The Krauts get uppity

As for the First paragraph

I like Will Smith..... Who Can't respect a man who made a career out of fighting creatures from the future?

*I haven't Seen Pursuit of Happyness yet, But I'm pretty sure The kid becomes a Cyborg zombie Who Smith has to kill. Will Wouldn't let the fact that the movie is a period piece-drama stop him. Look at Wild Wild West.

Robot Spiders Muthafucka*

Just say no. Who started that anyway? Some self-righteous douche probably.

Wow, this is pretty cool actually. I could get used to this. In the world of italicized text, every single word is chock full of emphasis and insight. And crammed to capacity with wit and intellect. It's sort of like speaking with a British accent. I sound smarter already, don't I?

I'm sorry what'd you say? I was dazzled by your wit and intellect.

Also, this guy is awesome. I bet he has a ton of #1 Grandpa shirts and coffee mugs.

I would assume he wouldn't sink to the level of #1 grandpa...if anything his t-shirts say, "I'm the only grandpa, bitches".

did I read this right, he beat him with a soda can? was it an empty soda can?

This is my favorite news story in the history of the world ever.

Sly taking a beat down in another Rocky movie... Grandpa taking a beat down with a soda can and shooting his attacker... I'm tellin' ya, old people aren't as fragile as we think.

i may never stop laughing.

ROTFL ..... i had tears streaming down my face ..

That's a cool old dude.

Who the fuck hits someone with a soda can? I mean really.

.
Unlike other Robin Hoods, I can speak with a british accent.

For reals? Awesome. I'm totally printing this out and putting on my refrigerator door.

BTW probably the most rightous article in like forever.

thats fucking awesome. and yeah will smith is a joke

Grandpa should have shot him a few more times, and then said "WHO'S YOUR DADDY, BITCH?!"

Nah. Shot him, stand over his body, chuckled, and said, "Who's your granddaddy, punk? My great great grand daughter hits harder than you BYOTCH!!"

My great grandfather was cowboy on a ranch until he was 70 and one leathery tough son of a bitch. My grandfather was this kind of tough, worked in the steel refineries and mills. My Pop is this kind of tough, steel mills and construction. My grandma and other great aunts ran businesses, and my great aunt Teresa beat an assailant with her cane at 65. I can only hope this rubbed off on me.

I heard that they signed Willie to star in "Die Hard 5"

This guy is going to be everyone's bitch when he gets to jail. They could send him to the girl's juvenile home for non-violent offenders and he'd still get his ass kicked on a daily basis.

Beating up an old person probably gets you pretty low on the totem pole to begin with. That he tried and couldn't beat up an old dude.... I'm just not sure where that puts him in the prison hierarchy.

Theft by receiving? Are they planning on charging him with stealing the bullet too?

Hah. Nice.

The. Worst.

And at 93 he can still hit a moving target in the dark after being beaten senseless...
Good for him.