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7/31/07
7/31/07

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TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

JUL 30, 2007 07:25 PM



While scouring the net for things that look atrocious (ex. a typical Will Smith movie), as well as things that look promising (ex. Will Smith bows out of a movie allowing an actor to perform the role), occasionally I find odd human interest type stories that I can't believe aren't made up (ex. man finds cookie that resembles Will Smith, doesn't care).

Firmly in the last category, is this recent story.

An elderly man beaten unconscious by an assailant wielding a soda can awoke and shot the man during an attempted robbery, police said.


Wow. What's there to say... I don't ask for too much more from a news story. This one has it all. Other than, say, adding a part at the end where the old man makes out with the robber's hot girlfriend/getaway driver or maybe finding out the robber was an in-disguise Bin Laden, I don't know what else it could have. Old man hero, recovering from supreme beatdown, shooting his attacker.

Willie Lee Hill, 93, told police he saw the robber while in his bedroom Wednesday night. Hill confronted the man and was struck at least 50 times, police said. He was knocked unconscious.


He's 93. He was struck "at least 50 times." At least.

How many times would you think you'd need to hit a 93 year old? Hypothetically... Once? Twice for safety? I'd guess "no more than 5 times." Or, 6, if you're OCD. This guy went with 50. I'd have thought 50 would be good enough to fell a hippo. 40 unanswered punches should be able to drop boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr.

Why the extra? Was the victim making wisecracks after every shot? "You call that a punch?" "Shut the door, I just felt a breeze graze my cheek..." Or was Willie out after the first few but the thief wanted to avoid any "horror movie" multiple-awakenings?

Covered in blood, Hill regained consciousness a short time later and pulled a .38-caliber handgun on his attacker. The suspect, Douglas B. Williams Jr., saw the gun and charged the man, who fired a bullet that struck Williams in the throat, police said.


And, it turns out, 50 WASN'T ENOUGH! Either Willie is made of bear-balls and broken glass or this mugger is in possession of the "world's girliest punch." He should do an ID check before his selecting his next victim, no one in double digits.

"I got what I deserved," Williams, 24, told police when they arrived, officers said. Investigators reported finding, among other items, a Craftsman drill bit set, three pocket knives and two hearing aids inside his pockets.


The man had hearing problems?! 93 and hard of hearing wasn't enough to tilt the tide in the assailant's favor? Can you imagine the scene if Willie had had his hearing aids in?

Police plan to charge Williams with residential burglary, second- degree battery, theft of property and theft by receiving.


This guy is lucky "being a pussy" isn't a chargeable offense in Arkansas.



TheCoolerKing sort of regrets adopting this "witty, italicized thing at the end" format.

VonPink

VonPink

Glens Falls, NY
October 2006

JUL 30, 2007 08:11 PM

Omg I can only hope I can be like that when I'm old.

DeadBilly

DeadBilly

Burnt Cabins, PA
February 2004

JUL 30, 2007 08:13 PM

More proof old dudes are cool.

Drakyn

Drakyn

New Providence, NJ
September 2006

JUL 30, 2007 08:20 PM

He's a 93 year old Bad ass.... Why the Hell didn't he pull out his Sword cane? Or was the gun a Luger? All old Bad asses have both of these. For when The Krauts get uppity

As for the First paragraph

I like Will Smith..... Who Can't respect a man who made a career out of fighting creatures from the future?

*I haven't Seen Pursuit of Happyness yet, But I'm pretty sure The kid becomes a Cyborg zombie Who Smith has to kill. Will Wouldn't let the fact that the movie is a period piece-drama stop him. Look at Wild Wild West.

Robot Spiders Muthafucka*

ckdexterhaven

ckdexterhaven

USA
December 2005

JUL 30, 2007 08:29 PM

TheCoolerKing said:
TheCoolerKing sort of regrets adopting this "witty, italicized thing at the end" format.


Just say no. Who started that anyway? Some self-righteous douche probably.

Wow, this is pretty cool actually. I could get used to this. In the world of italicized text, every single word is chock full of emphasis and insight. And crammed to capacity with wit and intellect. It's sort of like speaking with a British accent. I sound smarter already, don't I?

Heathen_Dave

Heathen_Dave

Birmingham, AL
July 2005

JUL 30, 2007 09:01 PM

CKDexterHaven said:

TheCoolerKing said:
TheCoolerKing sort of regrets adopting this "witty, italicized thing at the end" format.


Just say no. Who started that anyway? Some self-righteous douche probably.

Wow, this is pretty cool actually. I could get used to this. In the world of italicized text, every single word is chock full of emphasis and insight. And crammed to capacity with wit and intellect. It's sort of like speaking with a British accent. I sound smarter already, don't I?



I'm sorry what'd you say? I was dazzled by your wit and intellect.

Also, this guy is awesome. I bet he has a ton of #1 Grandpa shirts and coffee mugs.

xazapdmytinu

xazapdmytinu

Fort Collins, CO
July 2007

JUL 30, 2007 09:07 PM

Heathen_Dave said:

CKDexterHaven said:

TheCoolerKing said:
TheCoolerKing sort of regrets adopting this "witty, italicized thing at the end" format.


Just say no. Who started that anyway? Some self-righteous douche probably.

Wow, this is pretty cool actually. I could get used to this. In the world of italicized text, every single word is chock full of emphasis and insight. And crammed to capacity with wit and intellect. It's sort of like speaking with a British accent. I sound smarter already, don't I?



I'm sorry what'd you say? I was dazzled by your wit and intellect.

Also, this guy is awesome. I bet he has a ton of #1 Grandpa shirts and coffee mugs.



I would assume he wouldn't sink to the level of #1 grandpa...if anything his t-shirts say, "I'm the only grandpa, bitches".

did I read this right, he beat him with a soda can? was it an empty soda can?

RanusStudios

RanusStudios

Boston, MA
July 2007

JUL 30, 2007 09:11 PM

This is my favorite news story in the history of the world ever.

Lockeblade

Lockeblade

Australia
May 2007

JUL 30, 2007 09:21 PM

Sly taking a beat down in another Rocky movie... Grandpa taking a beat down with a soda can and shooting his attacker... I'm tellin' ya, old people aren't as fragile as we think.

kerouaclullaby

kerouaclullaby

Philadelphia, PA
September 2006

JUL 30, 2007 09:21 PM

i may never stop laughing. biggrin

ShadowDrgn

ShadowDrgn

Boca Raton, FL
August 2006

JUL 30, 2007 09:23 PM

ROTFL ..... i had tears streaming down my face ..

thrash242

thrash242

Pearland, TX
September 2004

JUL 30, 2007 09:26 PM

That's a cool old dude.

FridgeMagnet

FridgeMagnet

Chicago, IL
November 2004

JUL 30, 2007 09:38 PM

Who the fuck hits someone with a soda can? I mean really.

ogichida30

ogichida30

Concord, CA
September 2004

JUL 30, 2007 09:38 PM

CKDexterHaven said:

TheCoolerKing said:
TheCoolerKing sort of regrets adopting this "witty, italicized thing at the end" format.


Just say no. Who started that anyway? Some self-righteous douche probably.

Wow, this is pretty cool actually. I could get used to this. In the world of italicized text, every single word is chock full of emphasis and insight. And crammed to capacity with wit and intellect. It's sort of like speaking with a British accent. I sound smarter already, don't I?


.
Unlike other Robin Hoods, I can speak with a british accent.

ckdexterhaven

ckdexterhaven

USA
December 2005

JUL 30, 2007 09:39 PM

Heathen_Dave said:

CKDexterHaven said:

TheCoolerKing said:
TheCoolerKing sort of regrets adopting this "witty, italicized thing at the end" format.


Just say no. Who started that anyway? Some self-righteous douche probably.

Wow, this is pretty cool actually. I could get used to this. In the world of italicized text, every single word is chock full of emphasis and insight. And crammed to capacity with wit and intellect. It's sort of like speaking with a British accent. I sound smarter already, don't I?



I'm sorry what'd you say? I was dazzled by your wit and intellect.


For reals? Awesome. I'm totally printing this out and putting on my refrigerator door. biggrin

ogichida30

ogichida30

Concord, CA
September 2004

JUL 30, 2007 09:42 PM

BTW probably the most rightous article in like forever.

perm

perm

I'm lost
November 2002

JUL 30, 2007 10:06 PM

thats fucking awesome. and yeah will smith is a joke

whodoyoudo

whodoyoudo

I'm lost
December 2005

JUL 30, 2007 10:23 PM

Grandpa should have shot him a few more times, and then said "WHO'S YOUR DADDY, BITCH?!"

hellboy7

hellboy7

Austin, TX
July 2004

JUL 30, 2007 10:56 PM

Nah. Shot him, stand over his body, chuckled, and said, "Who's your granddaddy, punk? My great great grand daughter hits harder than you BYOTCH!!" biggrin

My great grandfather was cowboy on a ranch until he was 70 and one leathery tough son of a bitch. My grandfather was this kind of tough, worked in the steel refineries and mills. My Pop is this kind of tough, steel mills and construction. My grandma and other great aunts ran businesses, and my great aunt Teresa beat an assailant with her cane at 65. I can only hope this rubbed off on me. mad

jpmansell

jpmansell

Thomaston, GA
February 2007

JUL 30, 2007 11:28 PM

I heard that they signed Willie to star in "Die Hard 5" smile

68stretch

68stretch

Portland, OR
March 2003

JUL 31, 2007 12:27 AM

This guy is going to be everyone's bitch when he gets to jail. They could send him to the girl's juvenile home for non-violent offenders and he'd still get his ass kicked on a daily basis.

Beating up an old person probably gets you pretty low on the totem pole to begin with. That he tried and couldn't beat up an old dude.... I'm just not sure where that puts him in the prison hierarchy.

almostfamous

almostfamous

NEWSWIRE

United Kingdom

JUL 31, 2007 12:35 AM

Theft by receiving? Are they planning on charging him with stealing the bullet too?

TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

JUL 31, 2007 12:46 AM

almostfamous said:
Theft by receiving? Are they planning on charging him with stealing the bullet too?



Hah. Nice.

TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

JUL 31, 2007 12:46 AM

RawShark said:
thats fucking awesome. and yeah will smith is a joke



The. Worst.

cowpunk3rd

cowpunk3rd

New Zealand
December 2005

JUL 31, 2007 01:07 AM

And at 93 he can still hit a moving target in the dark after being beaten senseless...
Good for him.





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