NEWS: Sorry, We Can't Be Friends Anymore. Why? Because You're Fat.

CULTURE: Sorry, We Can't Be Friends Anymore. Why? Because You're Fat.

Scientists have discovered that it isn't cool to have fat friends. Oh wait—no. Twelve-year-old girls have discovered that it isn't cool to have fat friends—Scientists have discovered that it's contagious.

According to the results of a new, federally funded study, if your friends and family start packing on the pounds, there's a good chance that you will, too. They think it's more than just people with similar eating and exercise habits hanging out together, and they're calling obesity "socially contagious." So, just how sure are they that you'll plump up if your best bud turns to blubber?

Even if your BFF from high school or college or band camp lives 3,000 miles away, you're still not safe.

It just doesn't seem fair that even our phone and email relationships could have us headed for heiferville.

The scientists advise not to go ditching our portly pals, but we know they're just "saying that," so if you're feeling guilty about severing ties due to flabby thighs, send your fat friends to this youtube video, and let Richard do the talking:

Well, it's a good thing most of oldest friends are gamers, comic book fans, and sci-fi/fantasy lovers. No fatties there.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go jog in the sauna while shooting heroin.

I'm fat because my personality wouldn't work coming out of a skinny dude.

well, scientists also did a study about why coconuts dropping from tree onto your noggin are likely to kill you so...

The weird thing is as my friends have slowly began to put on weight, from getting older if nothing else, I'm getting a little thinner. Not much, as I'm still far from a small guy, but I've gotten better. So HA! science. You are wrong! Or something....

That's gold right there.

I LOVE this video. If you freeze the very first frame, you get a glimpse of the real Richard Simmons, standing there, waiting for the segment producer to give him his cue. He looks miserable. Then he pops into his "Richard" schtick! Whee!

I'm contageous!

Me too! I think I'm coming down with a case of love handles.

My bad.

i wouldn't touch this with my reaching stick.

I can't wait for my weight problem to catch on to all my skinny friends. There are really far too many of them.

We've been friends for over 8 years, I think it's about time.

I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

Hmmm, I wonder if my SG friends are all having problems with their love handles?
I feel so guilty now, I think I'm going to have eat some cake.

I just happened to have Black Sabbath accidently playing when I watched the Richard Simmons clip. Pink Floyd and The Wizard of Oz pale in comparison.

It's even better if you loop it 1,000 times.

Kids....get momma's pryin' bar.

is it me or are these articles are getting more and more hateful. I guess ill have to stop reaging them and just look at the nakkid chicks.

i ♥ you.

i as totally going to post this.

seriously- i am, for the moment, addicted to you-tubing richard simmons.

my moms is fat, close to being obese, and its the opposite for me, it hurts me so i dont eat

I couldn't read all of this due to the cheetos sheen on my montior. I'll have my fat buddy Bubba read it.

It runs in my estranged dad's side of the family. That is reasons why I had these crazy exercise marathons every day.

damnit joker_c and i was doing so well!!

so... if my friends aren't the way I am... does that mean they're not *really* my friends ?