Am I the only schmuck who can't swim?

I've been practicing for awhile, and I can't seem to get it right. I want to stay under the water for more water pressure so I can push myself faster and I float up. I want to stay afloat so I can paddle with my arms, and I sink. Is there something I am missing? Plus, once I lose momentum I am at a standstill. Not only that, but I can't use chopsticks properly either...

No you are not. I can, however, use chopsticks quite well.

-TM

I can swim and use chopsticks, bitches.

At the same time? Now that's talent.

Can you believe I'm still single?!

That's insane. You'd think you would have hooked up with some Asian swimmer chick or something by now.

/flag

Well, it's more that my superior able-to-swim-and-use-chopsticks genes are just screaming to be passed on to the next generation. My spawn will undoubtedly rule the world.

how do you grow up in carmel by the sea and not know how to swim?

well hell, that's a stupid question.

why?

are you serious?

Never learned, never wanna learn.
I'm a land lubber.

I can swim but nobody, I say NOBODY, wants to see me wearing just swimtrunks - my skin is pale blue!!!!

Oh yeah, I can't swim in public swimming pools cause I;m allergic to chlorine - I may as well be allergic to custard!

This is so weird to me. Do you guys mean "can't swim" as in "can't perform an efficient, well-formed Olympic-style swimming stroke", or do you mean "all I can do is thrash around in the water, and if someone doesn't save me, I'll drown"? Is it the kind of thing where you can't even dog paddle a little bit?

yes. WHY IS IT A STUPID QUESTION?

No doubt. When the world is completely flooded (as predicted in Kevin Costner's Waterworld, then stolen by Al Gore), and there's nothing to eat but Top Ramen, you and your family will be the only ones to survive. And you will have the entire water-consumed world to yourselves.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Wait, that would probably suck actually.

The body we pulled out of the bay last night says no.

I can't swim, I can't float, wanna good show? watch me try, Laugh, then save me.

Every once in a while, I see a question on the internet like, "Am I the only one who likes Predator 2 more than Predator?" and, as I stare incredulously at my monitor, find myself hoping and praying that no one responds in the negative. And, invariably, someone says no.

I call it "not drowning" instead of "swimming." I have to hold my nose underwater.

I can use chopsticks, however.

Thinking about it, swimming uses a pretty complex set of muscles and motions. Just one of those things I guess that's just a ton easier to learn when you're little, and is gonna be pretty tough when you're older. Seriously, someone not being able to swim feels like someone not knowing how to walk, it's that ingrained in my head.

Also, I learned to swim with my mommy holding me afloat. Thank you mommy.

like him living by the sea means he should know how to swim.
it was just dripping with pretentious patronization. oh wait, i forgot who i was talking to.

I suggest...