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TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

JUL 17, 2007 07:22 PM



And I’ll show you the shovel. A pretty easy concept to wrap your head around. I’m ignoring “fish in a barrel” types like Rosie O’Donnell, Jay Leno, Simon Cowell, John Belushi, Carlos Mencia, etc. and they're not listed in any particular order. Feel free to add more.


9) Jimmy Fallon- Apparently heÂ’s taking over "Late Night" for Conan O'Brien in '08. A talk show. ThatÂ’s right, the premise of the show isÂ… Jimmy FallonÂ… talking. IÂ’m pretty sure I could work up the anger to punch him while on ecstasy.

I chose a nice, sturdy-looking shovel for him. Solid construction, easy-grip handle... I anticipate a nice loud "gong" on impact.



8) Stan Lee- "Who Wants To Be a Superhero? C’mon, man, you're a god. You created the Fantastic Four, you’re better than this. Average slobs clad in repurposed workout gear does not a super-hero make. ‘Nuff Said.

I picked out a plastic scooped, gravel shovel. More of a mercy shot, just hard enough to knock him out so he can be taken some place far away from ill-advised basic cable trainwrecks.



7) Bam Margera- When does “fucking with your parents” stop being funny? I mean, start. Whoa, there are goats in the living room! Now there’s a spaceship in our bedroom! Now there’s a-- Zzzzzz... This mascara’d douchebag is the absolute definition of unamusing. His MTV show actually opens with a VO guy asking. “What will Bam do next?” Bam answers “Anything I want.” 11 year-olds everywhere flip off their parents, and go about the task of cleaning their rooms.

A short, squat, uninteresting tool. I'd have trouble telling them apart, but I'd grab the one closest to me and use it on the other. Mercilessly.



6) Isaiah Washington- For being a huge, whiny baby. Denying. Admitting, Begging forgiveness. Denying again. Complaining. ThatÂ’s a great way to spend six months.

An aluminum show shovel. Not much damage, I'm guessing. More of an umcomfortable slap.



5) The asian contestant from Top Chef- IÂ’m not looking his name up. He is atrocious. Ironically, his personality is the one thing wretched enough to render his glorious-looking food inedible. He should serve people through a plastic bubble.

A child's toy shovel. I'd slap him around with it, then insult him by using it to eat his food.



4) Mark Mcgrath from "Extra"- Or is it Access Hollywood? Congrats, you found a job more embarrassing than being in Sugar Ray. (I'm not proud.) And you seem really excited about shitty movies. Good for you. I wonder if you dream about saying, "Back to you, Dana."?

This appears to be some kind of post-hole digger. I'd bean him right over the head with it.



3) The Dos Equis beer-spawned, "Most Interesting Man in the World- "Hey, maybe no one will notice if we rip-off all those 'Chuck Norris facts' that were so popular on the internet a few years ago. We can even have a guy with a husky voice list all the manly atributes! It'll be really funny!" Poor Chuck... His throne, so delayed in arrival, was usurped in an instant.

Not sure what you'd call this. But I'd hit him with it and then use it to bury him. Right next to all the other shitty ad campaigns. Yeah, that's right, "Bud Light" VO guy.



2) Flava Flav You were in one of the greatest groups of all time. Now you're... I'm not even sure what you're doing. Sad. You need to take a close look at one of those dangling clocks...

This looks like a ceremonial ground-breaking shovel. Maybe its mighty blows would shake something loose, "breaking ground" on a whole new Flav... Either way, I'd have fun.



1) Hugh Hefner-I don't understand the holiest of holy reverence paid to this obsolete and embarrassingly out of touch dinosaur. The idea that HH is somehow considered a god or creature to be admired and celebrated. "Look, he's doing it for us!" What, exactly? "Umm, sex, or something. Isn't it great? He's fucking stuff."

And the comedy... Oh, the comedy. Every unfunny joke, aside, pun or poorly crafted piece of innuendo. Of course sex is phenomenal. Seriously, it is. Having sex is the greatest. You know what's somewhat less than the greatest? Endless variations on a joke where the punch line is always "sex." Whether it's HH himself groping a pair of uncomfortable looking sorority girls or some giddy talk show host intro'ing him as if he's done something fantastic for men everywhere and we should all bow down.

Not a single desire I possess is quenched by the sight of a hideous old man winking creepily at me while making suggestive comments. The subtext of every statement is "I'm going to have sex! Get it? Wink, wink, I'm having sex with this woman! Here is some not so clever joke about how I love sex. Here is a viagra reference! You know... For all the sex!"

A rusty, tired-looking shovel that's seen better days. You'll notice, unlike Hef, its rugged oak shaft has no problem staying hard. Or knocking down old men.

punk

punk

Phoenix, AZ
January 2004

JUL 17, 2007 08:08 PM

First, Conan O'Brien is leaving Late Night?!

Second, fucking Jimmy Fallon is replacing him?! I've got nothing against the guy, but Conan O'Brien he is not.

ogichida30

ogichida30

Concord, CA
September 2004

JUL 17, 2007 08:10 PM

Interestingly enough Carrot Top is absent from this list of shovel targets??????

hadees

hadees

Austin, TX
December 2003

JUL 17, 2007 08:14 PM

punk said:
First, Conan O'Brien is leaving Late Night?!



He is getting the Tonight Show, although I didn't relies it would be in 08

photoline

photoline

Edmonton, AB
January 2005

JUL 17, 2007 08:15 PM

Here's a pile of plastic, throw-away shovels for every bitch who's ever co-hosted "The View". May they rot in plastic surgeon waiting room limbo for eternity!

curtisology

curtisology

USA
April 2006

JUL 17, 2007 08:17 PM

this made me think of the great scene in Blazing Saddles when Slim Pickins gets clobbered...

Chainlink

Chainlink

Key West, FL
August 2005

JUL 17, 2007 08:18 PM

If you use the aluminum snow shovel on edge you could chop a man in HALF with it.

punk

punk

Phoenix, AZ
January 2004

JUL 17, 2007 08:18 PM

hadees said:

punk said:
First, Conan O'Brien is leaving Late Night?!



He is getting the Tonight Show, although I didn't relies it would be in 08



Ooooh, I seem to remember hearing something about that.

Maudite

Maudite

Mesquite, TX
March 2004

JUL 17, 2007 08:19 PM

Edited cause what I said has been said

Cigarette

Cigarette

Cleveland, OH
April 2004

JUL 17, 2007 08:25 PM

OMG people in the entertainment industry taking jobs where they can get them!!! STOP THE PRESSES!!!

Next from TheCoolerKing: Actors Who Are Bad People Because They're in Bad Movies

Enmity_

Enmity_

Rio Rancho, NM
August 2005

JUL 17, 2007 08:25 PM

Amen brotha.

Aponia

Aponia

Philadelphia, PA
March 2004

JUL 17, 2007 08:30 PM

That guy from Top Chef is so pathetic. I'd like to give him a fork to the eye..seriously. Maybe take out Ilan and Marcel from last season at the same time.

scarekrow

scarekrow

USA
December 2005

JUL 17, 2007 08:32 PM

Hmm. But I could have sworn I saw "The Most Interesting Man in the World" at a bar I went to...

xazapdmytinu

xazapdmytinu

Fort Collins, CO
July 2007

JUL 17, 2007 08:32 PM

ogichida30 said:
Interestingly enough Carrot Top is absent from this list of shovel targets??????



'm ignoring "fish in a barrel" types like Rosie O'Donnell, Jay Leno, Simon Cowell, John Belushi, Carlos Mencia, etc.

My addition to the list is:



for this target I would choose something that should rightly damage a caveman.



I may also cut up the geico gecko for spawning such a ridiculous series of commercials cum tv shows.

barking_rhino

barking_rhino

Huntington Beach, CA
October 2004

JUL 17, 2007 08:34 PM

This list is missing Tiffany Pollard, aka New York from "I Love New York" and "Flavor of Love"

I want her to be hit by a bus. Which is covered in forks. And driven by a clown. Who is on fire. And high on PCP.

ogichida30

ogichida30

Concord, CA
September 2004

JUL 17, 2007 08:36 PM

dainbramage said:
This list is missing Tiffany Pollard, aka New York from "I Love New York" and "Flavor of Love"

I want her to be hit by a bus. Which is covered in forks. And driven by a clown. Who is on fire. And high on PCP.



Please dont hold your feelings inside, its not healthy and can cause undue and elevated stress levels....

Stiles

Stiles

Miami Beach, FL
November 2002

JUL 17, 2007 08:37 PM

TheCoolerKing said:
I'm ignoring "fish in a barrel" types like ...John Belushi,



Agreed, but hasn't John Belushi been dead for several decades now?



Not sure what you'd call this.





A steamshovel, perhaps?

FunkyPhantom

FunkyPhantom

Chapel Hill, NC
June 2007

JUL 17, 2007 08:38 PM

I agree with every person on this list

I cant STAND bam margera



I'll pitch in for shovels

toothpickmoe

toothpickmoe

Los Angeles, CA
May 2004

JUL 17, 2007 08:39 PM

Happy shovel shopping.

Marcus_Cthulhu

Marcus_Cthulhu

Fredericton, NB
June 2007

JUL 17, 2007 08:46 PM

punk said:
First, Conan O'Brien is leaving Late Night?!

Second, fucking Jimmy Fallon is replacing him?! I've got nothing against the guy, but Conan O'Brien he is not.



I've got something against him: Taxi. And I haven't seen the fucking movie. I was insulted enough by the preview.

Oh and he was horrible SNL member. Couldn't act his way out of a paper bag or be remotely interesting or stop grinning at the camera like a fucking 12 year old at christmas.

"7) Bam Margera- When does "fucking with your parents" stop being funny? I mean, start. Whoa, there are goats in the living room! Now there's a spaceship in our bedroom! Now there's a-- Zzzzzz... This mascara'd douchebag is the absolute definition of unamusing. His MTV show actually opens with a VO guy asking. "What will Bam do next?" Bam answers "Anything I want." 11 year-olds everywhere flip off their parents, and go about the task of cleaning their rooms.

A short, squat, uninteresting tool. I'd have trouble telling them apart, but I'd grab the one closest to me and use it on the other. Mercilessly."

You're a god.

_Brody_

_Brody_

Cardiff By The Sea, CA
February 2007

JUL 17, 2007 08:48 PM

punk said:
First, Conan O'Brien is leaving Late Night?!

Second, fucking Jimmy Fallon is replacing him?! I've got nothing against the guy, but Conan O'Brien he is not.



Also: Funny he is not.

Kouvre

Kouvre

Moline, IL
April 2006

JUL 17, 2007 08:48 PM

While I SLIGHTLY disagree with the whole Bam thing, I do agree that his whole schtick has gotten very, very old. Fame got to him, sadly.

Saraphine

Saraphine

SUICIDEGIRL

Pennsylvania, USA

JUL 17, 2007 08:49 PM

The Bam Margera one was my absolute favorite. Hilarious!!!! He's a twat

Moonrabbit

Moonrabbit

Vancouver, BC
February 2005

JUL 17, 2007 08:52 PM

I'd suggest using some entrenching tools, maybe one with a nice scalloped edge. Or this one.

TheCoolerKing

TheCoolerKing

NEWSWIRE

Los Angeles, CA

JUL 17, 2007 08:54 PM

chainlink said:
If you use the aluminum snow shovel on edge you could chop a man in HALF with it.



Hahaha. I'll remember that when the time comes...

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