NEWS: Blowhan Round-Up: Stealing Girlfriends at Knifepoint

CELEB: Blowhan Round-Up: Stealing Girlfriends at Knifepoint

So I recently noticed that there are some "shocking" photos all over the net of well documented firecrotch Lindsay Lohan and some vaguely ethnic "gal pal" doing something sexy and scary with knives, or as I fondly refer to tame yet hot pseudo-lesbian blade play, a nice-Sunday-evening-at-Hunter's-house:

For those of you who have a life, the hottie with LiLo is Vanessa Minnilo, who apparently hosts something called TRL in addition to boinking notorious Jessica-Simpson-rosebud-plucker Nick Lachey. Basically, she's a poor man's Jessica Alba. Anyway, the photos are referred to alternately as "eye-popping,""frightening" and "shocking" by People.com and The National Ledger. The National Ledger then follows up with concerned statements about LiLo's mental health, saying a "friend from Lindsay's inner circle revealed how the star's mental state has continued to crumble behind the walls of the Promises clinic in California":

Oh National Ledger! You are such a nice paper. You drew the parallel from Lindsay enjoying a nice-Sunday-evening-at-Hunter's-house with Janessa Minnalba to her crumbling mental state because you care about this talented young actress and want her to get better. You even care enough to have titled the post so that the maximum number of people will see it and maybe somehow send psychic vibes to help her:

You didn't want to exploit the LiLo boobies, but if that's what it takes to heal her, so be it.

I wonder if the same "friend" who talked about her desperate mental condition released this statement to the press?

(from idontlikeyouinthatway)

What the friend didn't mention was that after snorting 10,000 more lines, the wrathful be-thonged wereslut grew angry that there was no more of the sweet, life-sustaining nose candy left in the state of California and ate seven of her handlers, then burned an eighth with her deadly firecrotch. "LiLo smash!" she was quoted as saying as she tore the seat off the toilet and sniffed it in a vain attempt to find lingering residue, then got even angrier and used it to hack off male concubine Jude Law's head. Giant pussy Jared Leto suggested from his cage by the bed that someone call the National Guard, but was subsequently rebuffed by Lohan's remaining staff, who wanted to keep situation "discrete" and handle it on their own with custom designed, high powered wereslut prods. But since WereLiLo's body runs on the yey and not animal proteins, she gradually grew weaker until she was forced to retreat to the safety of her slut-cave.
Also, did I ever tell you about the time I had breakfast with WereLilo? Bitch drank a full glass of liquid LSD with her eggs, then slept for eight months straight. When she woke up, she rubbed her eyes and said, "All in all, I prefer gin!" Here's to Bill Brasky...I mean Lindsay Lohan.

But even scary celeb monsters with the ability to shoot flames out of their crotches have to take a break from all the maiming sometimes. LiLo recently transformed back into human form long enough to leave a lovey dovey (alleged) message on the myspace page of socialite spawn and somewhat fugly lesbian DJ Samantha Ronson:

(idontikeyouinthatway)

LiLo will presumably impregnate Ronson via her seven inch clit, which is the only one of her numerous magical clits that functions like a small penis, shooting weresperm into the fertile, untouched womb of DJ licks-a-lot who, unlike most self-respecting lesbians, has no problem with canoodling with a well documented lesbian-for-attention who also morphs into a motherfucking monster and eats people.

This lesbo werechild will be sent to the Paris Hilton Playhouse to do battle with the awesome Richie-Madden spider-kid. Who will come out on top is anyone's guess. Some people might take this impending battle as yet another sign of the end times, but I feel rather blessed to live in an age of awe-inspiring creatures who have evolved skills most humans can only dream of (you wish you had a flamethrower in your hoo-hah!) Or at least that's what the 'bloids would have you believe.

what the fuck????

Hey guys...it's (one of) my job(s) to write about celebs on here. If you don't want to read silly articles about celebrities, don't click on them. But there actually was a point I was trying to make, for those of you who need a cheat sheet...something to do with using hyperbole to show how ridiculous the Blowhan media coverage is. But whatever. I'm drunk and my drugs are gone. I'm going to bed. With Bill Brasky. Wish me luck.