NEWS: Someone Please Help Me, This Trailer Just Knocked My Dick Off

CELEB: Someone Please Help Me, This Trailer Just Knocked My Dick Off

Then my balls hits the floor with a metallic clank, rolled under a nearby bookshelf, and exploded like two fucking hand grenades.

I’m totally serious. I may need medical attention, but I’m gonna type fast to get this done.



This could be the greatest B-movie of the modern era. Sure, it looks derivative in spots, but in all the right ways. It has everything you could ever want from a B-picture.

- A-list actors slumming it and having fun: Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti.

- The hero's ill-advised shit-talking in the face of imminent torture. Usually some variation on “I’ll tell you what torture is... your breath!” Always good. Have a mediocre joke? Tie a guy to a chair, have another guy hold a chainsaw over him, then have the first guy say the joke. Yeah, better, right?

- Frames that freeze and turn into a sepia-tone or monochromatic, stylized image. Overused and getting stale, but not there yet. I wish everything I looked at, all day long, froze and turned sepia-tone, before the name of whatever it was whooshed in front of it in bold letters. Girls, cars on the street, my coffee pot… Everything.

- A bad-ass who thinks he’s on top finding out that the mild-mannered guy he was tormenting is actually a bigger bad-ass. Oops. That accountant’s a navy seal? That homeless guy is an ex-green beret? That nerdy kid is a Dracula? Awesome.

- Remember that great scene in "Anchorman" where Will Ferrell gets hit in the face with a filling cabinet drawer? Well, how about in our version a bullet punches the drawer into a dude’s face? Why yes, I would like to see-- Garghhh! (Drops to floor in a spasm, overcome with ecstasy.)

- Throw in a Motley Crue song. Yeah, who knew this’d be on the list? Not me. But when, out of nowhere, “Kick Start My Heart,” blasts onto the screen I got a phantom erection from where my dick used to be. It was… bittersweet.

- Hero unleashing self-deprecating asides. "I'm a British nanny, and I'm dangerous." Oh shit.

- Villain expressing frustration with his minion's inability to get hero, usually with a quip. "My God, do we really suck, or is this guy really that good?" Fuck yeah.

- Huge WTF moment, in this case, hero appearing to plummet into whirling helicopter blades.

- Monica Belluci

See you in September. The line starts right here behind me...


TheCoolerKing enjoys talking in the third person when using italics.

Looks like an I gotta see that.

That F**KING Rocks!

SQUEEEE!!!!!

Clive Owen RULES!

I'm in

clive owen means i am so there. god i love that man

That was more offensive than tub girl. Sorry guys all shit no substance.

All you had to say was Monica Belluci.

Shoot 'Em Up is easily one of my highest aniticpated movies.

That looks like great summer fluff,I'm so there.....

I was uber-keen until the Motley Crue song. I fucking hate Motley Crue. THEY SUCK! Almost as much as I hate van Halen.

Movie looks sweet! Not Lock, Stock sweet, but pretty damn cool.

For a second I thought we wouldn't have a moment where the trailer slows down and the hero interacts with a stranger who asks him a question, and then he tells a joke. It always happens just before they play the rock song. Very glad to be proven wrong there.

Ditto

paul giamatti as a hitman?
im sold...where may i purchase my ticket?
monica belluci has won my heart.

This movie will be pure entertainment. I must see it.

All this trailer needed was to include the phrase "From the writer of Double Dragon: The Movie!"

Yes

That nerdy kid is a Dracula? Awesome.

Sweeeeetttt.

This movie will suck in the most awesome way possible.

PROOOOOONNNGGGGG!!!! (at the sight of Monica Belluci)

hehehehe

Clive Owen should have been Bond.
Paul Giamatti can do no wrong in my eyes.

I will be there with bells on.

Kick start my heart INDEED!!

lol

"You wanna buy bullets with food stamps?"

*head asplodes*

I think you summed it up perfectly. Can I reserve my ticket now?

holy shit