Now would be a good time to plug my new business venture as a partying consultant.

As an Australian, with a reputantion for being able to knock back a beer or 10, I'm very qualified to help any "partying-challenged" people learn the fine art of "getting pissed".

This service is basically me going along with you to any place you need to "party".

You're obliged to supply me with alchohol, purely for the purpose of demonstrating the proper way, and amount, of drinking you will need to master.

I will, of course, measure your progress and come up with a program to help you acheive an acceptable level of partying ability.

On completion of my program, you'll receive a diploma (written on a coaster, napkin, or other availible material) Certifying you a qualified party animal.

PatrickY

Vancouver, WA

December 2003

JUL 05, 2007 02:15 AM

Subrosa said:
I did my civic duty tonight.

Did you?

4th of July checklist:

1: Freebird. Listened to.

2: American Pie. Sung along with.

3: Hit on woman in sundress with magnificent breasts. Accomplished.

4: Light fireworks with increasing daring, bordering on stupidity. Yup.

5: Drink unto the point of retardation. DONE. DONE. AND DONE AGAIN.

CaffeineFairy

United Kingdom

June 2007

JUL 05, 2007 04:42 AM

17.8 percent said they had abused alcohol at some point over the course of their lives

Pfft! The British have got it sorted! According to my very brief google research, 24% of Brits binge drink themselves to a stupour every single week without fail!

Not forgetting the great british youth:

A survey of teenagers found that while almost all of them had started drinking, two out of five were regularly binge drinking.

You gotta get em when theyr young! Thats the trick to it! Iv been getting plastered in various parks since I was 14 Ah! Nostalgic memories!

The International Binge Drinking League Table sounds kickarse, I'll represent Wales with pride

Necia

San Francisco, CA

August 2005

JUL 05, 2007 04:53 PM

PatrickY said:

Subrosa said:
I did my civic duty tonight.

Did you?

6. A rousing chorus of "Proud To Be An American"?

7. Nonsensical chanting of "Four more years!" at random intervals throughout the evening?

No?

You fail, man. You're not a patriot without those last two.

Heraclitus

Denver, CO

December 2006

JUL 15, 2007 02:42 AM

7. Nonsensical chanting of "Four more years!" at random intervals throughout the evening?

Holy shit that's hilarious. Totally stolen.

Rudy2Boots

Fort Myers, FL

July 2007

JUL 16, 2007 06:21 PM

Subrosa said:
This Independence Day holiday, I invite the gentle reader to ponder the following point: We, as Americans, need to cut loose more, God dammit. So today and tomorrow, get out, have a few beers. Scratch that. Have more than a few. Have several. Mix in some gin and tonics or Jack and Cokes or something.

Get so drunk that you do something incredibly stupid. Something that you would never, ever do were it not for your extreme inebriation. Something like sloppily confessing your everlasting love to your co-worker or donating money to the Republican Party. It doesn't matter what you do, just do something and do it while totally fucked-up. Please. Just do it for our country. The red, white and the blue, if you will.

Why? Because for the love of God, this study depressed the hell out of me.

Nearly one in three Americans abuse or become dependent on alcohol over the course of their lives, and most never seek treatment, according to a study published on Monday.

It found that 17.8 percent said they had abused alcohol at some point over the course of their lives and another 12.5 percent said they were dependent on it at some point, for a total of 30.3 percent.

Let me repeat: thirty percent of people have abused alcohol at some point in their lives. Thirty percent. This is unacceptable.

That number needs to be way, way higher. This study is basically telling me that only one in three of you have any idea how to have a good time. How many really, really awesome parties have you been to that didn't have someone abusing alcohol? I'll tell you how many you've been to: None. Because they don't fucking exist. Alcohol is that awesome. It's indisputable scientific fact.

Even more depressing is how loosely the study defined "abuse" and "dependence".

The researchers used the definition of alcohol abuse or dependence found in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition.
It includes having or more of the following for a year:
-- Role Impairment (e.g. failed work or home obligations)
-- Hazardous use (e.g. driving while intoxicated)
-- Legal problems related to alcohol use
-- Social or interpersonal problems due to alcohol
Alcohol dependence is defined as having three or more of the following for a year:
-- Tolerance (increased drinking to achieve same effect)
-- Alcohol withdrawal signs or symptoms
-- Drinking more than intended
-- Unsuccessful attempts to cut down on use
-- Excessive time lost related to alcohol (hangovers etc)
-- Impaired social or work activities due to alcohol
-- Use despite physical or psychological consequences

Social and interpersonal problems are "abuse"? Maintaining a healthy tolerance is "dependence"? The mind boggles! That means only one in three of you have ever had to sheepishly explain something hilariously awesome you did while blasted the night before. That means only one in three of you are able to hold your liquor through an entire night of delicious, delicious sauce. Disappointed!

Basically, this study tells me one thing loud and clear: two-thirds of Americans are no fun to party with whatsoever. I suppose I could have guessed that, but seeing it in print leaves me deeply saddened and disturbed.

What the fuck is wrong with the rest of you? Let's turn these numbers upside down, people. Starting today. Think of it as celebrating your independence from total lamehood. How else are those of us who are carrying your weight (and more, in some cases) going to deal with you smug teetotaling assholes otherwise? It's imperative that we work on this. Now.

Fuck it. Subrosa needs a drink.

Heres to being part of the 30%...Cheers!!!

Jah

I'm lost

August 2005

AUG 29, 2007 10:28 PM

Partying? What's that?