NEWS: 70% of Americans DonÂ’t Know How to Party

CULTURE: 70% of Americans Don’t Know How to Party

This Independence Day holiday, I invite the gentle reader to ponder the following point: We, as Americans, need to cut loose more, God dammit. So today and tomorrow, get out, have a few beers. Scratch that. Have more than a few. Have several. Mix in some Gin and Tonics or Jack and Cokes or something.

Get so drunk that you do something incredibly stupid. Something that you would never, ever do were it not for your extreme inebriation. Something like sloppily confessing your everlasting love to your co-worker or donating money to the Republican Party. It doesn't matter what you do, just do something and do it while totally fucked-up. Please. Just do it for our country. The red, white and the blue, if you will.

Why? Because for the love of God, this study depressed the hell out of me.

Let me repeat: thirty percent of people have abused alcohol at some point in their lives. Thirty percent. This is unacceptable.

That number needs to be way, way higher. This study is basically telling me that only one in three of you have any idea how to have a good time. How many really, really awesome parties have you been to that didnÂ’t have someone abusing alcohol? IÂ’ll tell you how many youÂ’ve been to: None. Because they donÂ’t fucking exist. Alcohol is that awesome. It's an indisputable, scientific fact.

Even more depressing is how loosely the study defined “abuse” and “dependence”.

Social and interpersonal problems are “abuse”? Maintaining a healthy tolerance is “dependence”? The mind boggles! That means only one in three of you have ever had to sheepishly explain something hilariously awesome you did while blasted the night before. That means only one in three of you are able to hold your liquor through an entire night of delicious, delicious sauce. Disappointed!

Basically, this study tells me one thing loud and clear: two-thirds of Americans are no fun to party with whatsoever. I suppose I could have guessed that, but seeing it in print leaves me deeply saddened and disturbed.

What the fuck is wrong with the rest of you? LetÂ’s turn these numbers upside down, people. Starting today. Think of it as celebrating your independence from total lamehood. How else are those of us who are carrying your weight (and more, in some cases) going to deal with you smug teetotaling assholes otherwise? It's imperative that we work on this. Now.

Fuck it. Subrosa needs a drink.

This is what I'm trying to say. But no one wants to go out with me. Guess I have to be my own party, even though that basically makes having a camera pointless and defeats the purpose of blackouts.

wtf

im drinking now, yay haha

Damn. It's a good thing I had four beers before reading the signs of alcohol dependence or that might really depress me.

Drinking? Yes, good plan.

Hey now, I've been to some kick-ass parties that weren't entirely alcohol-fueled...

....of course, most of them involved the use of other (usually illicit) mind-altering substances.

goddamnmiddleeasternnoalcoholhavingshootingatmecantfindwhiskeyfuckingblowmeup

I don't miss booze or anything.

Any party I can remember couldn't have been a good party. So here's to all those black, gaping holes in my memory. Undoubtedly, they were the stuff of legend.

Interesting scientific fact: It's been proven that the hours between 8:30pm Friday, and 2pm Sunday do not exist. We just skip right past those hours. And all the empty bottles all around after the skip are just some sort of probability wave collapse thing. Also the nausea.

While I'll admit some of the parties I've been to now that my friends are past the magical age of "maturity" have contained some of said friends imbibing quite a bit of alcohol, I can't say as it actually made any difference to the tone or enjoyment of the party. Nobody got hammered enough that they were behaving really at all differently. Which is just as well 'cause I don't think I'd have enjoyed the party nearly as much if they had been stupid drunk.

Is it even possible to sit through all of that without busting up laughing?

last night i partied like it was 1699. had a tricorn and everything. though i can't yet bemoan about the rum being gone, i still woke up naked.

tomorrow night i plan to party like it's pre-1901. i'd like to give a big shout-out to T.A. Breaux in advance.

Goddammit. It is so nice to be reminded how fucking unbelieveably awesome that song is.

And THIS, my fellow Americans, is why we need to fight this great Red Menace of temperance. Because if we don't drink our livers raisin dry, Canadia wins.

Before you know it we'll be drinking Molson instead of Sierra Nevada. The horror!

I'm sorry, North America, but our institutionalized alchoholism has you beat.

and this is why i love this site!

because i expected some whiny ass loser to have made the comment by now along the lines of "don't joke! alcohol abuse isn't funny! i've had someone pass away from it before!! WTF?! WAH!!!?"

And I was pleasantly very very pleasantly disappointed.

well i'm british, and nobody gets fucking rat arsed like the brits. we're the world leaders when it comes to binge drinking culture.

RULE BRITANNIA!!!

I dunno, us Canadians kind of have it as a running cutlural theme that beer and hockey are our favourite past times (Oh and sex; who could forget that).

That being said, this thread made me happy to be one of the abusers; On Monday I arrived home from a 3 night marathon up on the sunshine coast at a buddy's cabin. We got pretty fucking smashed all 3 nights running, not to mention stoned out of existence.

I'm pretty sure I was so high on the third night that I slid into a parallel dimension for several hours (well, depending on however accurately you can really measure dimensional travel).

The pictures of our crew hung over on the ferry ride home are priceless

Hey Pommie! We should start an international binge drinking league.

haha. but you're all newbies to binge drinking.

opening except from C4's Seven Sins of England

makes me proud

I drank a large bottle of wine about 12 hours ago. It was pretty awesome, but I'm pretty sure I was an embarrassing and annoying drunk. Oh well.