NEWS: Worlds Greatest Athlete Injured, May Retire

CULTURE: Worlds Greatest Athlete Injured, May Retire

Every July 4th, a group of great athletes descend upon Coney Island to compete in a legendary competition of skill and intestinal fortitude: The Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. The Mustard-Yellow International Belt has been battled over for dozens of years. The winner of the past six contests has been eating wunderkind Takeru “Tsunami” Kobayashi , who has dominated like no other sportsman in history. The belt, a true American treasure, has been held in Japan for too long.

This year, that may change.

First came the news that Kobayashi’s seemingly immortal record was shattered by an American, Joey Chestnut . Mr. Chestnut has played Karl Malone to Kobayashi’s Michael Jordan for a decade, but his new record of 59 hot dogs (with bun) destroys Kobayashi’s old mark of 53 and ¾. Kobayashi, like any hero, didn’t take the challenge lying down. He rededicated himself to training, and planned to retake the record and retain his belt this summer at Nathan’s. Unfortunately, all that hot-dog wolfing turns out to be not so good for you. Kobayashi has arthritis of the jaw. On his blog, Kobayashi got frank and spilled the beans.

Right now, the Tsunami is “day-to-day” and hopes to compete on the Fourth. One can only hope. I want the Belt back in the good ol’ USofA as much as anyone, but not like this!

Possibly my favorite sentence ever.

What they said.

USA USA USA USA!!!

joey chestnut?
that name sounds made up.
and the japanese always do everything better.
first its eating tons of hot dogs. then its making a well built game console.
whats next?

I think I saw him in some encased meats porn.

destruction of the jaw has to hurt.....

F'real - if there's one sport where we Americans should be kicking everybody's ass, it's competitive eating.

nice one PB.

Maybe he's the brother of "The Cave" star Morris Chestnut? Or maybe I have too much time on my hands.

Fucking hell, I had him in my fantasy hot dog eating league.

Same reason I had to retire. Dang.

Now there's an idea to run with!

Thread over. FTR wins.

Isnt that the same reason Nina Hartley FINNALY retired from porn?

There is a problem here.

These people are not athletes. At best, they are a side show circus attraction.

Or a medical disorder...isn't bulimia recognized as a medical problem?

But that "be frank" line was priceless.

He's setting up to make the greatest comeback in sports history.

And a nation mourns. I'm not sure which nation, but i'm sure there's a nation somewhere that's mourning for some reason or another. It's a statistical probability.

Because you say so?

Most competitive eaters don't vomit.

I think that baseball is more or less an excuse to drink beer while watching other people play in the grass and scratch themselves. That doesn't mean its not a sport.

He's going to show up like Willis Reed or Kirk Gibson and destroy this Chestnut kid.

Was he sponsored by anybody? I wonder if he can put in for Worker's Compensation.

Damn you Willy Wonka!!!!!

Correct answer.

I only wish I could be there... The Bratwurst Eating Contest (10 minutes, no buns) that I saw last year in Sheboygan is the greater sporting performance I have ever witnessed.