NEWS: 9 Reasons Why "Transformers" Will Be a Terrible Movie

GEEK: 9 Reasons Why "Transformers" Will Be a Terrible Movie

9 Reasons Why "Transformers" Will Be a Terrible Movie

1) Michael Bay

Why mess around? We both knew he was gonna be on the list. Why bury him at number 7 and make you wait? The whole time you’re thinking “This is bullshit, when is he gonna get to Michael Bay being a horrible director.” There you go, consider that subject, “gotten to.”

2) Um, it’s about robots that turn into cars that fight each other.

The ultimate realization of this idea is a crappy Saturday morning cartoon. Beyond that, I could maybe see a 15 minute Adult Swim-type, tongue-in-cheek show that I’d watch about 7 minutes of. No one, outside of about 400 nerds, was clamoring to see this.

3) Tom Skerritt isn’t in it.

This movies only shot was casting Skerritt (or Sam Elliot, perhaps) as a grizzled, battle-hardened vet who drinks too much and makes a joke about how, “he can’t figure out his damn microwave-oven clock so how do they expect him to fight robots...” But then he actually busts out some old school techniques that lead the way to victory.

4) The cartoon’s tagline was “More than meets the eye.”

This movie will be “exactly what meets the eye, and absolutely nothing more.”

5) Optimus Prime has a “flame” design airbrushed onto his gut.

No, I don’t care that they deviated from the original design. My point is, when have you ever seen a flame-design on something in the real world and not thought it was lame? The answer is "never."

Some crappy, flame-covered Civic adorned with the word “TURBO” and a cars parts company logo you don’t give a shit about… Some goatee’d slob in a flame-covered bowling shirt... Yeah. They might as well call him “Extreme Flavor-kick Optimus.”

7) The autobots are all GM cars.

Just like most advanced, alien life I’m sure we’ll eventually encounter. (Yes, I understand they’re robots who take the form of our vehicles and aren’t really space cars, calm down.)

8) Shia LaBeouf

Remember all the awesome things he’s done? Right, no one else does either. Shia’s one of these guys that some higher up decides is going to be a movie star, before he’s actually opened a movie. In this case, the higher up is Steven Spielberg.

This act is on a list of great Spielberg decisions which also includes the time he ruined E.T. by digitally replacing the FBI agent's guns with walkie-talkies.

9) Sam "Spike" Witwicky

That’s the name of Shia’s character. I’m guessing one of the ‘bots (Jazz? Soundwave? Krunchy?) dubs him “Spike” after he proves that he’s a “plucky scrapper,” and so much more than the nerd his classmates have previously seen him as.

Really, you could have stopped after number one.

Oi! I like Michael Bay.

That is all.

Well....i agreed with you about number one. And that was about it.

10. it caused this to come into existence.


i'm lazy. right click for the whole thing.

Honestly, Michael Bay is the perfect director for a movie about giant robots punching each other. Can't wait for it.

And oh yeah, Optimus looks bitchin' with the flames. Sorry.

Pretty much inarguable, except I think Shia LeBeouf's a pretty solid actor. He was excellent in last year's great, overlooked A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints.

11.) I'm not 11 years old anymore.

The only thing that confuses me is why you would waste this much time and energy on something you're not interested in? Okay, so you don't like Transformers. We get it. Why not prove your not just a whiny little bitch by doing something productive with your chance to reach millions of people, instead of just having a moan about something as trivial as a fucking movie? The only thing that is lamer than flames on a truck is a boring half with who thinks people really give a shit about bad movies. Most of us have just learned to go "Meh," and get on with our lives because guess what? IT'S JUST A FUCKING MOVIE. Loser.

We're already dissing Shia LeBeouf? Has anyone even seen anything he's been in?

This, apart from Michael Bay, is the main thing. Just leave stupid cartoons where they are. They're making Masters of the Universe and Thundercats now. I'm fine with comic book movies for adults, but this to me is pushing it.

meh. it's got starscream.

Kinda like ninja turtles. I agree with Cash I'm not 11 anymore but dammit, I wanna see just how badly they fuck up my childhood heros

this has flames and I think its
cool
edit:click to view

But I am, apparently, the only one who did see that.

Shia's one of my favorite actors. He's been great in everything he's done. And it's always fun to see something you loved as a kid done with today's movie technology even if it's a bad movie. This one looks like it's going to be good to me though.

What the...?

Because it's funny? Creative? An amusing thing to spend 45 seconds reading?

It's just a comedy blog on a fucking punk rock porn site. Weirdo.

I am going to see it and I am perfectly happy with it being a steaming pile of Michael Bay poo. I am prepared to both laugh at and laugh with this film. I am also prepared to make my own sound effects and one liners if necessary just to spice it all up.

Feel free to go as far as these guys to enhance your movie going experience.

Thank you. I love you for this list

+1

Whatever...

Not if it looks like it was directed by a chipmunk on speed, no.

Yeah, although I heard it was good.

Yeah, the special effects in the trailers so far have been totally insane, and the animation for the robots themselves is pretty impressive, so I'm looking forward to it. I'm not expecting it to be anything more then an silly action movie FX-fest, and it looks like it will at least be good on that level.