NEWS: Hi-Tech Investigative Report: Dolphin Murders Rock California

CULTURE: Hi-Tech Investigative Report: Dolphin Murders Rock California

San Diego: some call it a slice of heaven. But if you're a dolphin, the peaceful Californian city has become a killing field; an ocean of sorrow, loss, and regret; the epicenter of hell.



Try and look beyond the coastal climate that seems to soothe the human spirit; ignore the abundance of breathtaking flora that perfectly compliments the glorious Spanish-style architecture. Beneath the surface of this placid hippie-mecca something unspeakably evil lurks. Rather, someone, and he surely possesses a black, cruel heart if he has one at all. For lack of a better name, we can only call him the Dolphin Slayer.

Take a breath, this gets intense. Between May 29 and June 5, five dolphins washed ashore along the coast of San Diego; all the victims of murder most foul. According to the AP:

The victims were found within a 6 mile stretch between Carlsbad State Beach and Oceanside Harbor, just a few miles north of San Diego proper. Officials say this kind of dolphin mass-murder is a first. Statistics indicate that only one dolphin shooting typically occurs throughout the nation each year. Since the 1960s, San Diego has had only one such incident, about five years back.

According to the necropsy results (apparently that’s dolphin-speak for an autopsy), all of the dolphins were healthy and well-fed, with “bellies full of fish.” The poor, sad bastards never knew what hit ‘em. The necropsy also indicated that the bullets could have all been fired from the same gun, though conclusive ballistics testing has yet to be performed. Officials are offering a $2500 reward for the capture of this inhuman murderer (though he is most-likely human).

This guy offered up an unimpressive theory about the killings:

Taking into consideration all the available evidence, and drawing upon my vast knowledge of bad police procedural shows, I’ve come up with several alternate theories, that -- no pun intended -- blow Mr. Oswell’s out of the water.



First, let’s consider the crime scene. A quick check of the Interweb tells me that Carlsbad State Beach is less than 50 miles from Tijuana (see above); and we all know about the ongoing Mexican Drug War. Could the dolphins have been taught to smuggle drugs? Maybe they turned on their masters, or weren't performing up to expectations so their cartel contact decided to cut his losses and off the aquatic offenders. This fits with the execution style killings.

Another theory is that these killings were perpetrated by someone trying to make a statement. Consider this: in 2001, Dolphins were discovered to partake in homosexual relationships; the males have often been found blowing each other. Try and follow my natural leap of logic: someone who believed that homosexuality is a choice rather than a part of nature -- or "god's will" -- might be angered by this. That someone, probably an outspoken advocate of “homosexuality as sin”, might want to silence the dolphins… or he may have been after revenge. Keep in mind the last time a dolphin was killed in SD was five years ago: shortly after the discovery of homo-dolphins. Potential suspects could include priests, pastors, deeply religious closeted gays, or televangelists. It would certainly be worth investigating Ted Haggard.



And then there’s the final possibility, which, with the added video evidence provided below, seems to make the most sense to my sleuth-like senses. We know dolphins can be gay, and there is evidence to support that they are ‘pleasure driven’ beings. For years now, there have been reports of man-dolphin love affairs; someone even posted a detailed ”how to” manual to help an adventurous would-be dolphin-lover initiate a sexual encounter.

Do the math, if you will. I’m suggesting a man -- probably white, early '40s, single or possibly divorced -- initiated a love affair with a dolphin. At some point, probably after at least one successful lovemaking session, the dolphin would have spurned his advances, pushing the already off-kilter 'everyman' over the edge. Since the killing spree began with a knife and the killer quickly switched to a gun, this shows that what may have been a crime of passion has turned serial, and that the Dolphin Slayer's methods are evolving rapidly.

We can only expect the aquatic body count to pile high in the coming weeks. With that in mind, I suggest the authorities begin their search amongst known dolphin-philes, starting with this guy:



Aaron_Lariviere tries to think of his powers of evidence-free investigation as a blessing rather than a curse.

kill the pleasure-lovers!!!

I blame the terrorists. They know we enlist dolphins.

I confess.
It was me.
Even though I live on the other side of the country and have never been to California.
I killed those gay dolphins because the lord told me to.

Jack Lord?

No.
Our dear lord Jesus Christ.
Duh.

this shit amazes me. Let's go kill innocent critters to get our rocks off. WHOO! Yeah! cause killing humans is just too much sport for us... Stick to something that can defend itself, please. And just cause dolphins can't say no doesn't make consensual.

Whoa, settle down. As terrible a thing as this is, it's a pretty big leap to imagine that someone is getting his proverbial rocks off killing these dolphins. It's more likely a fisherman who is having his business pretty severely damaged by dolphins eating fish off his lines. It's a pretty big problem for fishermen or charter boat captains that are just getting by.

It appears to be a bigger problem for the dead dolphins. I have no sympathy or empathy for their killers. "cry me a river"

I don't like this article.
i like dolphins alot, could do without the conspiracy theories.

Oh man.
Did anyone click on that "How to" link?
That's real.. oh gosh.
I couldn't read it all.

Oh, I feel so bad for the poor fishermen. Fucking assholes.

You'd be surprised how sick some people are.

I don't like this article either - killing dolphins is a a clear cut animal cruelty case. Dolphins are gentle, sociable creatures, and even have many genetic similarities to humans. Even if they are eating fisherman's catches, that's the natural life cycle; perhaps we shouldn't be robbing the oceans of its fish. Taking this kind of issue lightly is not going to make it stop. That's like hicks who think its funny to go cow tipping, thus resulting in the painful death of cows and the loss of a huge asset for farmers. Whoever is killing these poor beasts deserves to be locked up.

Animal. Cruelty. Is. Not. Funny.

End of story.

No matter how much of a "problem" they are, killing dolphins is a federal crime. aolnews
Your comment reminded me of guys I've known from farming towns that would joke about how many cats and wild animals they had either run over or shot over the years. Whenever you called them out on how sick this was they would always use the defense that wild animals would consume their crops.

Yep, real as can be. Half of my article is tongue in cheek satire, but each and every one of my "conspiracy theories" is based on entirely real articles, and are all worth reading.

And for the record, no, i don't hate animals, i just think this story would be more interesting with a gay dolphin fucking serial killer than a disgruntled fisherman, hence my numerous and varied hypotheses.

Did you read my comment? I think it's terrible, and I know it's a federal offense %u2013 it should be. What I'm saying is that this probably isn't your demented kid torturing cats in a back alley situation. It's probably someone who feels his livelihood is threatened and decided to do something about it. Tough shit for him; when he gets caught, he can kiss hiss livelihood goodbye.

From the headline, I totally thought this was going to be an article about dolphins murdering humans.

If you ask me, it's the god damn sea lions.

There's a turf war going on out there. And it's between the quick and the dead, my friends.

nevermind

Amen bro. How can you fucking shoot a dolphin? Unless of course it was a rare "man eating" dolphin...but those things are verrrry rare. Fucking retards. Maybe dolphins rule, and humans suck it.

btw- Was the writer trying to make this into a funny post? The last half of this BLOG was worth two shits. This seems like pretty morbid subject matter, and he's totally taking away from the impact of the situation with gay humor...no pun intended.

I am shocked, confused, titillated, frightened, confused, and shocked by this confusingly shocking story.

I enjoyed the satire

This seriously pisses me off

There is no explanation in this world that would ever make this "ok". I'd like to find out who's doing this and punch him in his fucking mouth and then shoot him in his head.

Seriously, who the fuck wakes up in the morning and thinks, "I'm going to go cap a dolphin today"?

And if it is a fisherman, who the shit cares if you are barely making it and the dolphins are fucking up your profit. JUST WAIT until the police catch up with you and you get jail time and fines... THEN you'll have financial problems.

rant over

This is awful. I'm wondering what the opinion of that church from Topeka is on this matter. Maybe someone should e-mail them