NEWS: Pearl Needs to Get Her Drink On; Bill O'Reilly Needs to Shut the Hell Up

CULTURE: Pearl Needs to Get Her Drink On; Bill O'Reilly Needs to Shut the Hell Up

Bill O'Reilly is out of his god-damned mind. Of course, we already knew this, perhaps to the point where it's commonplace and his particular brand of crazy just becomes white noise in the background. Every so often, however, he says something that makes me sit up and say, "What the fuck, Bill?"

Remember Will Ferrell's viral video masterpiece The Landlord? Surely you must. It goes something like this:

See, I knew you knew it; everyone on the Internet saw it approximately two hundred eons ago. Hell, it's almost time to retire it to the fond nostalgia folder with Little Superstar at this point. Bill O'Reilly, on the other hand, just saw it last week, and boy is he ever mad. So mad, in fact, that he had to make it one of the subjects of his show, serving a steaming pile of no-spin justice to that dastardly child abusing huckster-tyrant Will Ferrell.

Wait, what?!

Yes. O'Reilly is all about the children (as can be seen in his book The O'Reilly Factor For Kids, which I highly recommend picking up—no, not buying, just physically picking up and leafing through for a couple minutes—as it is pure comedy gold), and he truly believes that Will Ferrell and his sin-tastic cohorts have put little Pearl in physical and mental danger through exposure to beer and mild swearing. To use his words, he believes that the two-minute skit is "exploitation," and a source of lasting "damage" to its two-year-old star. Last Friday, he discussed it with Geraldo Rivera, who quite frankly told him to chill the hell out.

Seriously, when even Geraldo thinks you're a histrionic moron, it might be time to reevaluate your outlook on life. But not O'Reilly, who, refusing to save his wrath for more important issues, went out to try and find the one psychologist on Earth who would even halfway back up his claims.

Oh, no! A Texas child psychologist! But sadly for O'Reilly, the psychologist he chose was not entirely insane, and while she did cater to him slightly with bits about neuron pathways being connected between swear words and comedy, on the whole she took a fairly logical and thoughtful approach to the situation. So, naturally, it was a very short conversation.

At the heart of this matter is censorship in the name of child protection. How much do we need to protect small children from beer and bitches? Will the hour spent working on the infamous YouTube clip prove pivotal in Pearl eventually becoming an alcoholic with a mouth like a gutter? If O'Reilly were to call Child Protective Services on the entirety of Funny or Die, like he seems to really want to do, would Pearl's new foster home offer a more nurturing and curse-free environment that will no doubt lead to a more wholesome childhood than if she were to face continued exposure to lighthearted PG language?

Wait, I think I know the answer to all of those questions: shut the hell up, O'Reilly.

A.) It's not like they had the girl smoking; children swearing is a cognitive dissonance that is hilarious, fun for the whole family (maybe), and ultimately harmless. B.) As far as what the future holds: if you're going to swear like a longshoreman, you're going to swear like a longshoreman and that's all there is to it, so why should it matter if you learn the vernacular when you're two years old or twelve? C.) Oh please, like the majority of O'Reilly fans have never exposed their children to beer. And for D., I would like to paraphrase Geraldo Rivera (oh god, of all people): perhaps, Bill, there are more important things in this world to worry about.

Bitch.

it was fantastic....
Bill is just a hater......
WORD

If Ferrell went on O'Reilly, it would be the funniest thing ever recorded.

^ I need to see that, lol.

What a douche bag.

Oh dear GOD please let this happen

It takes a hell of a man to make Geraldo look good, and Bill O'Lielly, you are that man.

That video was so funny my sides hurt. If you haven't seen it, it's definitely worth checking out. There are no words to describe what a tool Bill O'Reilly is...

My mom taught me to swear when I was five. She worked nights at UPS to support my brother and myself by herself and she would tell me funny stories about how she'd make her co-workers laugh by swearing at the boxes as they came down the conveyor before grabbing them and hurling them into the truck as hard as she could (she was quite strong). She always found it hilarious when we swore, and today the two of us are writers, myself personally having given up a scholarship to study engineering in order to do so. Bill O'Reilly, you have won this round!

If you've never seen the outtakes video for this, here it is: http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2034076544

Now watch that and tell me you think that little girl is going to remember a single second of that experience.

Not that it would matter if she did. The real story here is indeed that Bill-O Is once again reminding us what a magnificent prick he is.

I just watched that video, I laughed my ass off. It is fucking hillarious, Bill O needs to shut the fuck up and eat a dick.

Oh Bill. His theory seems to be that talking louder than his guests and interrupting them, makes them look like idiots. But he just looks like an asshole. I'd love to see Ferrell on there.

It simply stuns me that we are now over 3380 service-person deaths in Iraq, and this is what this pinhead has to rail about...

Just fucking reanimate Morton Downey Jr...

straight from the horse's mouth:

personally, i think she's going to be plenty fucked up just by having Adam Mckay for a dad. starring in hilarious videos with Will Ferrel is just a drop in the bucket.

LONG LIVE PEARL!
What if Will did go on Bill's show and he bought his daughter with him and the first thing she says to Bill is, "Hey Bitch!" I would love to see that!

Damn it all, I hate when I'm forced to side with Geraldo.

I think it says something about the headspace crazy old Bill occupies when he alleges horrific abuse when a kid appears in a Will Ferrell comedy skit, but when 15 year-old Missouri teen Shawn Hornbeck was rescued after four years of imprisonment and alleged sexual abuse by kidnappers, famed protector of children O'Reilly said "there was an element here that this kid liked about this circumstances" and "The situation here for this kid looks to me to be a lot more fun than what he had under his old parents. He didn't have to go to school. No school, play all day long."

When he goes over his overthetop limits like this, just remember O'Reilly's attempt at entertainment, his Novel of Television and Murder, where a straight-talking Irish cop hunts down and kills (in gory style) a no-nonsense Irish TV reporter who goes on a killing spree of execs at the network that fires him. Talk about 'exploitation' and 'lasting damage'.

Great piece, DG.

I used to think Bill O'Rielly was just angry because he has a small dick. Now I'm pretty sure he's angry because he's got no dick.

Brilliant. +100

This is the second time Geraldo has told Bill O' to chill the fuck out. And it's no less surreal than the first time.

This is almost as funny as when Bill tried to pick on a high school kid, and got verbally bitch slapped.

^^

ha ha ha that kid was great

uh oh, sequel!

Good Cop, Baby Cop