NEWS: Return to Cell Block Hilton

CULTURE: Return to Cell Block Hilton

Late last week, TheCoolerKing was there on the front line, bringing you breaking news as Paris Hilton pulled a Get Out of Jail Free card out of who-knows-where and was promptly released from the L.A. Detention Center, whereupon she immediately passed Go and collected $200 in cupcakes. Now, I regret to tell you that I am the bearer of much more somber news: on Friday, a judge ordered her back to jail to complete her sentence, and this time, our little Monopoly champ will not fight back.

Incidentally, she has just issued a statement explaining her position, and I can only describe it as truly heartrending:

Oh, Paris. You brought this on yourself, you know. If you'd only taken your sentence like a man, you'd be a couple days closer to done with this whole mess. Kind of like those real estate signs by the side of the freeway that say "If you lived here, you'd be home right now." But instead, you made a scene; then you went home and consoled yourself with delicious baked goods, drawing smarmy modern-day Marie Antoinette comparisons from journalists across the globe, by which I mean my living room. The ax had to come down sometime.

But all is not lost; it would seem that these days of introspection and desserts have made her a better, more eloquent woman. Perhaps we, too, can learn from her ordeal.

Spoken like a winner. Or a winner's publicist. Whatever. Godspeed and God bless, you angel of the media. We're all pulling for you here at the station.

Screw Paris Hilton and the horse she rode in on.

i would rather screw the horse...

At least the horse probably won't give you Hepatitis

I just want to know why none of these girls (her, lindsey..) have drivers?!

Whats worse is when this is over shell wright a book telling her "HORROR" stories of being in jail, i mean have someone write if for her since she cant write....... Shes a perfect example on why parents need to BEAT there kids ...

That would be awesome if they let her out again only to drag her back once more. It's like watching the psychological effects on a lab rat.

my ' buttons broke it just now worked for first time, and im not bashing her writing skills, she doesnt have any to bash

Should be

Nice of her though to finally show a glimmer of dignity. I'm sure her fans are very proud.
Both of them.

Seconded.

That explains the contractions, but what about the rest of the errors?

Props to her publicist. He or she wrote a great statement. Props to the judge too. It's about time she realized that some people aren't won over by her fake stupidity and cluelessness and realize it's just a gimmick to excuse the fact that she's a spoiled bitch.

cna't seem to find teh wright key

The fact that i cant write properly? prolly just cause i dont care enough to try to, but im also not writing a book, i make pointless/useless messages on a website, not write a book for people to read

Off course. It all makes purfect cents too me now.

Back onto topic....

It makes me laugh that before going in she was quoted as saying she's ready to accept responsibility for her actions and serve her time.

If that's the case, then why did she try and buy her way out of jail?

My esteem for Marie Antoinette has been growing on a daily basis.

I just think it's stupid that theyre making a point to make an example of her because every one think she's just some spoiled hollywood brat. I've had friends get dui's and continue to drive on a suspended, and some of them go to jail for about a month along with the 12,000$ fine and some of them get off easier. I'm willing to bet that every big time celebrity or media star that bashed her in this case is never going to see the inside of a Hilton hotel for the rest of his/her life. I'm also willing to bet there's alot worse behaved young women out there than a rich paris hilton that really deserve what's coming to them. At least she has money to contribute to society.

Yeah, it's entirely possible to blow a .08 on one cocktail. I'm 104lbs and I know I can. I can also drive pretty damn well on about 3 or 4 of those (not that I still do). The only difference between her and I is that some horny cop recognized her and pulled her over. I guess what Im saying is that maybe you guys shouldnt be so quick to blast her. How many of you have ever gone bar hopping in between drinks? If youre my size and you get pulled over on a whim or a dui check point after just 1 drink, you could get a dui. Yeah, really.

I for one wish her a speedy recovery from her breakdown, so she can be released into the general population where she will hopefully be shived, or at the very least receive horrible facial scars while being jumped and beaten by an angry mob.

Got to see this on the Portuguese news.

Cop: Paris Hilton is going back to jail to serve the rest of her sentence.

Male Audience Member: NOOOOOOOO!!

Female Audience Member: Shut up.