NEWS: Jonathan KesselmanÂ’s Suicide Watch: Sallie Mae, ItÂ’s Over

CULTURE: Jonathan Kesselman’s Suicide Watch: Sallie Mae, It’s Over

Dear Sallie Mae--

I’m writing this letter to you because I didn’t know how else to express my feelings. Your behavior as of late has become…well, erratic -- scary, even. Fifteen, twenty calls a day, and the times I actually pick up, it seems you don’t want to talk about the relationship. You call late at night, and on the weekends. With you, it’s always “give me, give me, give me,” but there’s never any take. Why haven’t you been able to listen to me and to my needs? I’ve tried to be open and honest with you, but it seems that ultimately, you just don’t care. Over the past few months, I’ve come to realize that you have no regard for my space, boundaries, or feelings. So, it is with great remorse that I’m writing to tell you that I’ve decided that I’m breaking up with you.

When I look back on our relationship, I do so with fondness. God, the beginning was so promising, wasnÂ’t it Sallie Mae!? I was in a bind. I couldnÂ’t afford the astronomical $100,000 (USD) cost of film school, but you were there for me. You told me youÂ’d lend me the money to pay for my tuition, my books, andÂ…well, thatÂ’s it actually.

I still couldn’t afford to “live,” but at least I could live my dream! And what good times we had! After three years, I finally graduated, and I had you to thank for it!

Sure, maybe I chose the most impossible of professions. And, yeah, IÂ’ve had some minor successes. But not enough success to return all of the money I owe you. That kind of success only comes from winning the Lottery, or dealing large amounts of cocaine over a lengthy period of time in predominantly white neighborhoods, or selling babies and/or their organs on the black market.

And at first, you were cool with my situation. You were all, “Don’t worry about it, baby. Pay me back when you can...at totally unfair interest rates and terms…" You also talked really quietly and used lots of astericks and stuff. It didn't matter, because I was busting my ass to get you your money. Hell, I still am darling.

But then recently something went wrong. Suddenly, you decided no matter what the status of my current employment was; regardless of what funds I had in my bank account, you needed all your money...NOW!

And I wanted to pay you. I did. I even told you I would pay you in a few weeksÂ…but you just got all crazy in the head, chica!

ThatÂ’s when the calls started.

And they just kept coming, and coming, and coming, and coming, and coming. Actually, while I’ve been writing this, you’ve called me twice. I recognize your numbers now, baby doll. That’s why I don’t pick up anymore. 1-866-656-3422, or 1-317-595-1440, or 1-800-848-0981, or “Unknown Number.” I got em’ all, girl. I know your tricks, mama.

Yesterday, even after I told you that the check was sent and on its way to you, you still kept up with the calls. When you called at midnight/EST, I couldn’t handle it anymore and I snapped. I called you back, like, ten times in a row and told you to go “fuck yourself, you damn cunt whore!” It was immature, I know. But what else was I supposed to do? You just wouldn't stop.

IÂ’m calmer now. Hopefully, when you process my feelings...and then my check...youÂ’ll stop calling. But I doubt it. YouÂ’re a psychotic hell beast, and I can finally say without a doubt, that itÂ’s not me.

ItÂ’s you.

In the meantime, IÂ’m going to give you a taste of your own medicine. IÂ’ve blogged all about you. I even provided my readers with the best number to reach you directly at:

1-317-595-1440

Sure, itÂ’ll be a different person who answers every time they call, but ultimately itÂ’s still always you. IÂ’ve told my readers to call you at all hours of the day and say horrible and mean things to you; to tell you to eat shit. To suck their asses. To fuck off and die. Hopefully, youÂ’ll learn a lesson from all of this. But somehow I doubt it.

IÂ’ve also provided my readership a link to a website that explains what an evil, evil bitch you are.

Student Loan Injustice

All my hate,

Jon

Jon_Kesselman has a new short online. Click the following link to watch it:

The Shmulik Finkelstein Story

i think sallie's been cheating on you with me. and our relationship is going down the same road. she is one nasty broad.

Sallie wouldn't even go out with me to begin with.
I'm not good enough for her.

I literally just got off the phone with them 5 fucking minutes before I pulled up this article. Stupid whore bitch of a company. Every day I feel myself slipping away from America and wanting to get as far away from here as possible and that makes me so sad.

impressive!

I want to kick Salle in the damn teeth. She gave some weird disease that is causing my money to deteriorate before my very eye's. She's like the worst girl friend I've ever had, always calling me, like 20x a day only to bitch and complain then taking all the money i have. whore.....

Sounds awful, I'm just dealing with my loan stuff for my next year's tuition and it's a nightmare. My fees this year have gone up with inflation and I think the interest is gonna kill me.

Ugh.

xx

Sallie gave my bank account the clap.

I am going back to school after a 17 year hiatus, and I am also going to film school. I have to get a personal loan to cover living costs while I go. Would you not have gone to school if you had known about Sallie? Is it all just not worth it? I am dreading what is to become of me.

The truth is that the educational system in this country is fucked. Don't let a BS system designed to screw those of us who don't come from money prevent you from pursuing your dreams and getting the education you want.

Ah Ha ha!!!! I am glad to see I am not the only schmuck who sold her sole to Sallie Mae to go to film school!!!!

Years ago when I finally paid off my Sallie Mae I celebrated. I consider it one of the happiest days of my life!!!

i just read a book called "strapped- why americas twenty and thirty-somethings can't get ahead" (by tamara draut i think). this is just the tip of the iceberg people. our society has set us up for failure. while our parents generation had no trouble at all affording college, marriage, a home, a family, day care, and the general cost of living (sometimes on minimum wage salaries!) it's currently almost impossible for our generation to follow suit.

and that sallie mae is a fucking dirty slag, she's got me pussy-whipped as well. for the next 15 years too. damn bitch.

Same here, but I've also heard many horror stories, and think that it was for the best in our cases.

What's that Groucho Marx saying? I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members??

Testify!

they're worse than the credit card companies. Seriously.

Please call 1-317-595-1440 and tell them to fuck off. It feels GREAT!

...........or do the SEINFELD bit: "I'm kinda busy now; let me have your number and I'll call you back."


A diabolical way to be nice and yet pissed off. I've had miserable bill collectors totally at sea - heh, heh, heh....

oh, sallie....you bitch! when will you stop?

A friend of mine is about to start a relationship with Sallie, should she get out while she still ca? It's that bad?

Sallie mae are definitely a bunch of bastards when they aren't getting your money.
Don't they realize that when I am not paying them because I don't have a job that I might want to sleep late. Like, until noon.
But now that I send them a check every month, they never call just to talk.

Oh, Sallie, I knew there was someone else all along. But now whenever I call you, I can't understand a word you're saying! It's like the phone company is redirecting me to some foreign country and all the other person on the other end does is scream at me! (Okay, they didn't really scream at me. But I wanted to scream at them for not only having an extremely poor grasp on the English language, but also asking me "Do you understand?" after every five words. YES, I UNDERSTAND YOU. I speak English, unlike you, and don't need things repeated over and over.)

This shit is crazy. I think I'll be paying just about double my original loans overall.

I called SM to try and lower my payments. The best they could do was save me like $100 because the rest was interest. Thanks, but no thanks. I'd rather be screwed for 10 years instead of 30 when I'm trying to support a family and 2.3 children.

same girl has been stalking me. every time i get a letter detailing how much has been added to my balance in interest, i want to cry. the payments are set to start soon, which is when ill start keeping scotch on hand.

$60K in debt just to get a good education. wtf?

Cairo said:

Gesomina said:
Ah Ha ha!!!! I am glad to see I am not the only schmuck who sold her sole to Sallie Mae to go to film school!!!!

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

I loved it!

Thats funny is that fish sole?? Yes I sold my fish to Sallie Mae!!!!