NEWS: Jonathan KesselmanÂ’s Suicide Watch: I Have Nothing

CULTURE: Jonathan Kesselman’s Suicide Watch: I Have Nothing

ItÂ’s 8:45 AM on Thursday, and IÂ’m at a Starbucks on Westwood and Olympic in LA. My column needs to go up in a few hours. I have a meeting in Burbank at 11:00. I am fucked.

ItÂ’s not that IÂ’m lazy. IÂ’ve been working my ass off. Some of you were probably concerned by my absence. IÂ’m sure you probably thought I was fired, or got into a grisly car wreck, orÂ…actually, you probably didnÂ’t even notice. That was my narcissism talking.

Okay, here’s the deal. I just finished a new script that I adapted from the novel ‘Abe Gilman’s Ending’ (my first drama and adaptation, and I’m very proud of it), and now I’m in LA for the week as I was doing some consulting work for the MTV Movie Awards short films.

At first, I was going to tell you a cool story about how funny the short is going to be. It is. My buddy Dean Holland did an amazing job and directed the shit out of it. Not literally, of course. There was no shit “in” the shor…forget it.

I was also going to tell you how I also have a small part as Shia Lebouf’s arm. I was also going to talk a bit about how Sarah Silverman is…a truly pleasant human being to work with. She has no evil diva actress characteristics, whatsoever, and apparently can’t stop talking about this “Jimmy” character in her life. She must really be in love! But I just wasn’t feeling it. And besides, my mother always told me if you can’t say anything nice about someone, then you shouldn’t say anything at all.

Actually, thatÂ’s a lie. My mother never said that. She said that I was an unappreciative little shit who would always put my head down when she wanted to kiss me on the lips. Weird, right!?

Then, I read that Jerry Falwell died. I spent like an hour yesterday researching him, and pulling some of his most memorable quotes. God, that man was a vile fuck. Here are some selects of the puffy and androgynous assholeÂ’s own words over the years:

“I am such a strong admirer and supporter of George W. Bush that if he suggested eliminating the income tax or doubling it, I would vote yes on first blush.”

“Textbooks are Soviet propaganda.”

Re: The Civil Rights Movement, he called it, "The Civil Wrongs Movement."

“If Chief Justice Warren and his associates had known God’s word and had desired to do the Lord’s will, I am quite confident that the 1954 decision [Brown v. Board of Education] would never have been made…. The facilities should be separate. When God has drawn a line of distinction, we should not attempt to cross that line.”

Re: the September 11, 2001 attacks -- "I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen."

“AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.”

“Homosexuality is Satan's diabolical attack upon the family that will not only have a corrupting influence upon our next generation, but it will also bring down the wrath of God upon America.”

Re: The Antichrist "He must be, of necessity, a Jewish male."

“Earlier today, reports began circulating across the globe that I have recently stated that Jews can go to heaven without being converted to Jesus Christ. This is categorically untrue.”

“There's been a concerted effort to steal Christmas.”

“It is God's planet - and he's taking care of it. And I don't believe that anything we do will raise or lower the temperature one point.”

“I believe that global warming is a myth. And so, therefore, I have no conscience problems at all and I'm going to buy a Suburban next time.”

"Labor unions should study and read the Bible instead of asking for more money. When people get right with God, they are better workers."

“If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being.”

“Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions.”

“The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country.”

“God continues to lift the curtain and allow the enemies of America to give us probably what we deserve.”

“I think the Moslem faith teaches hate.”

“If I were president of the United States, I would include Moslems in my presidency.”

“Billy Graham is the chief servant of Satan in America.”

“Scientology has a terrible track record of bigotry.”

AND FINALLY, the piece ender would work off of this quoteÂ…

“I am saying pornography hurts anyone who reads it, garbage in, garbage out.”

We are all porn aficionados here! See the connection!? I had GREAT stuff for a piece, right? But then I started surfing the Internet. Everything I could say had been said. I was even thinking about writing to Jerry from Hell in character as the Jewish Anti-Christ welcoming him in. That would have been goodÂ…but I wasnÂ’t feeling it, and I saw that FearTheReaper did something similar (nice piece BTW). I had nothing!

Then, I was going to tell you about how much I love my Blackberry Pearl cell phone. You know, the one with the little white clitoris scroll thing on the front? I had this whole bit about how I loved the phone so much, that I wanted to write Blackberry and tell them that with future models they should include a penis sized port which on the inside approximated the feel of a womanÂ’s vagina...

But, it wasnÂ’t all that good of a joke, and again, I just felt like I had nothing!

What else can I tell you? Hammer 2 is starting to feel good. IÂ’m meeting with an interested investor in two weeks. If all goes well, the Mensch In Black Will Be Back! When I heard the news, I had tears running down my cheek. And IÂ’m not talking Jerry Falwell evil gay people tears. IÂ’m talking masculine, virile, tears of joy!

YouÂ’re probably wondering why IÂ’m telling you all of this? After all, this is a humor columnÂ…and thereÂ’s been like zero jokes. I know! I have nothing!!!! IÂ’m sorry. IÂ’m just under the gun here, and Helen_Jupiter, who has been incredibly patient with my sudden bout of flakiness, has been very cool. Again, IÂ’m really sorry, Helen. I promise IÂ’ll try to fuck up less on my column in the future.

Okay, I have to post now. IÂ’m sorry I sucked this week, but itÂ’s nice to be back on the site. I hope everyone out there is happy and healthy. Also, Corddry, I was serious when I asked if you had any extra Vicodins (2). I go back to NY on Friday, and that would be amazing for the flight. IÂ’ll come to you, and pay for them and everything...

Talk to you guys soon,

JK

Jon_Kesselman is an actor who lives in Los Angeles with his wife and two children

Are you going to drop by SGHQ to visit?

You want to be more specific? That could be any one of eight starbucks!

Dude, come to the Bodhi Tree bookstore tonight if you got time. I'm doing a book signing. We can meet at last. When are you gonna make "The Zen Hammer"?

Amen, brother.

I mean, this guy was a throwback in all senses of the word. For my part, I'm picking up this tshirt from Tshirt Hell to commemorate the event.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

I'm leaving at 11

Next time in LA, I promise to swing by!

I just saw this. I would have loved to have come. I didn't check my computer until today. Ended up seeing Ben Gibbard at Royce Hall.
Next time I'm in LA, I'll hit you up and we'll make plans for The Zen Hammer. Actually, in HH2, there's a character named the Asiatic Anvil whose catch phrase is, "Don't make me get non-violent on your ass!"