NEWS: The Five-Second Rule is Bullshit

CULTURE: The Five-Second Rule is Bullshit

We all know about the five-second rule, right? You’re eating popcorn, and you drop a kernel on the floor. If you pick it up within five seconds it’s totally OK to eat, according to the rule. The rule saves time and effort. After all, you don’t have to find something else to eat and you don’t have to clean that shit up off the floor. Besides, if you pick it up before germs have a chance to jump on it, it’s totally safe. No harm no foul, right?

Wrong. As the New York Times columnist Harold McGee explains, it turns out that the five-second rule is all a pack of dirty, dirty lies. LIES!

Improbable perhaps, but useful? Hell yes! I’ve been following this rule since I was a wee lad. I’d always assumed it was bullshit, but it means more to actually know it. Scientifically and stuff. I know that those of you who are against “wasting money” on “useless” studies aren’t impressed, but it’s not like there are endless jobs available at the Cancer Curing Factory. All the other scientists need stuff to do as well, or else they’ll get bored. If Real Genius taught us anything it’s that the world doesn’t need any more bored scientists.

Anyway, I digress. The more recent Clemson study went even further to test the time-germ-surface continuum.

It’s important to keep in mind that the contaminant levels that were tested here were far higher than are found on your average floor or countertop. Unless you’re the kind of person who habitually paints his linoleum with rotting chicken guts (and if you are, you’ve got bigger problems) the number of microbes you pick up will be much lower. Unfortunately, they may not be low enough.

Lame. It’s like my last vestige of carefree childhood innocence has been stripped away. Thanks for nothing, New York Times columnist Harold McGee. Dickface.

nooooooooOOOOOOO!

He obviously doesn't watch Mythbusters who did this two years ago.

That's why god gave us immune systems. It's like exercise for your immune system. Besides, everyone knows the "five second rule" is just an excuse for disgusting people (like myself) to eat crap.

The 5 second rule is something I don't live by. I also absolutely refuse to eat food that has fallen onto a tabletop when we go out. I know the dishes themselves are probably just as dirty, but I just can't bring myself to eat off a surface that I know has was cleaned with the other tables around, covered in kid snot and whatever was brewing in that dingy gray towel the busboy is carrying.

aw gawd my whole world is a lie!!

If you give it 10 seconds, the germs jump back off of your food.

agreed 100%

this article was disappointing of course, because no one really wants to think that the five-second rule is bullsht (even though i'm pretty sure most of us know deep down that it is).

the saving grace was the real genius reference. viewing of this movie is quite simply a moral imperative.

"can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?"

"not right now."

"a girl's gotta have her standards."

You had me at the Real Genius reference... *swoon*

The study was probably first, though Mythbusters is totally awesome for having done it, at all. I miss cable.

Thank goodness the Discovery Channel posts that shit.

I adore you for this.

"Why are you wearing that toy on your head?"

"Because if I wear it anywhere else, it chafes."

Is this what you tell your enemies?

lies, all lies! <Cover Eyes Chanting Lalalala>

Before I eat anything someone else cooks I'm asking them if they believe in the five-second rule.

Plus, that's the grossest photo ever!

Why does he keep going into our closet?

Why do you keep going into our closet?

To get my clothes - but that's not why he goes in there.

Of course not, he's twice your size - your clothes would never fit him.

Nobody really believed there was less germs at 5 seconds than 2 days did they?

blahblahblah.

all this whining about shit like this is why we have superbugs and drug resistant strains of everything.

Suck it up people. Jeeebs. Wipe it off and eat it. IT WONT KILL YOU YOU.

Dammit. I wanted to edit that.. but whatever.

Um... fuck antibacterial soap.

The Straight Dope answered this about 20 or 30 years ago. Clemson U needs to get on the ball.

Eating stuff off the floor, having a kid in group daycare, using port-a-potties at festivals and avoiding antibacterial products - haven't been sick in years. No better way to strengthen the immune response than wallowing in filth daily.

since i likely will not be employed anytime soon at the cancer curing factory due to being asked to leave all those schools and missing out on all that educationy stuff, i am forced to direct my scientific inclinations to hypotheses like the following:

on the off chance one winds up ingesting e coli or salmonella, it's far more likely said food acquired the bacteria on its journey to the home rather than on its floor.

whoops - forgot the Real Genius line

Kent? Kent this is Jesus. Stop touching yourself!