If there were a Pulitzer category for Unintentional Humor in Bird Phallus Stories, The New York Times would have that shit on lockdown. I know you've all read thousands of stories about bird-cock, but this one is special. Apparently, some ducks are packing Johnsons that are, to put it mildly, huge. As big as their entire body, in fact.

Dr. Brennan, a post-doctoral researcher at Yale University and the University of Sheffield, visits the sanctuary every two weeks to measure the phalluses of six species of ducks.

When she first visited in January, the phalluses were the size of rice grains. Now many of them are growing rapidly. The champion phallus from this Mellers duck is a long, spiraling tentacle. Some ducks grow phalluses as long as their entire body. In the fall, the genitalia will disappear, only to reappear next spring.

The big questions, of course, are, why the giant corkscrewed duck-dick, Donald? And how about putting some pants on? Well, dont blame Donald or Daffy. Apparently, the duck vagina is (how to put this delicately?) less hospitable than a weekend in Faluja.

The lower oviduct (the equivalent of the vagina in birds) is typically a simple tube. But when Dr. Brennan dissected some female ducks, she discovered they had a radically different anatomy. There were all these weird structures, these pockets and spirals, she said.
. . .
Female ducks seem to be equipped to block the sperm of unwanted males. Their lower oviduct is spiraled like the male phallus, for example, but it turns in the opposite direction. Dr. Brennan suspects that the female ducks can force sperm into one of the pockets and then expel it. It only makes sense as a barrier, she said.

Yikes. Although Dr. Brennan claims to have been oblivious to bird phalluses until 1999, (although Ive heard stories that say otherwise) shes not done with her experiments.

Its rare to find something so blatantly obvious in the female anatomy, Dr. Brennan said. Im sure its going on in other vertebrates, but its probably going in ways that are more subtle and harder to figure out.

To test her hypothesis, Dr. Brennan plans to team up with a biomechanics expert to build a transparent model of a female duck. She wants to see exactly what a duck phallus does during mating.

Join the club, Doc!

penaltyboxvet

USA

August 2006

MAY 03, 2007 10:11 AM

Hooray for science. You all keep on researching duck wangs, I'm sure cancer and AIDS will cure themselves.

Dix

Red Wing, MN

September 2006

MAY 03, 2007 10:18 AM

StarBelliedBoy

Philadelphia, PA

December 2003

MAY 03, 2007 10:18 AM

penaltyboxvet said:
Hooray for science. You all keep on researching duck wangs, I'm sure cancer and AIDS will cure themselves.

Yeah, fuck knowing about the world we live in! Who needs that shit!

chikinhammr

Orlando, FL

April 2006

MAY 03, 2007 10:19 AM

I love duck dick. It's wonderful when lightly sauteed in grape seed oil with a crushed garlic clove and a smidgen of fresh rosemary. Its great on quackers.

Oh yes, I did.

PatrickY

Vancouver, WA

December 2003

MAY 03, 2007 10:22 AM

penaltyboxvet said:
Hooray for science. You all keep on researching duck wangs, I'm sure cancer and AIDS will cure themselves.

Ah, yes.

Because all scientists are trained to work in all fields of study, just like all mechanics are trained to repair both cars and space shuttles.

Aeryka

SUICIDEGIRL

Illinois, USA

MAY 03, 2007 10:27 AM

and of course i want to see a picture of these duck penises

thankyou to PatrickY for stealing the words right out of my mouth

Femke

Lloydminster, AB

March 2007

MAY 03, 2007 10:34 AM

Aw I just just gonna say the exact-ish same thing as PatrickY

rodan

Baltimore, MD

February 2005

MAY 03, 2007 10:37 AM

ummm?

lol

_DictionaryGirl_

NEWSWIRE

San Diego, CA

MAY 03, 2007 10:39 AM

Dix said:

Correct answer!

MandB

Bremerton, WA

February 2004

MAY 03, 2007 10:51 AM

Aeryka said:
and of course i want to see a picture of these duck penises

thankyou to PatrickY for stealing the words right out of my mouth

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Heathen_Dave

Birmingham, AL

July 2005

MAY 03, 2007 10:52 AM

The bird's sperm travels on the outside of the phallus, along a spiral-shaped groove, into the female bird.

I think I could laugh about this little fact all day long.

ZenTrixter

Portland, OR

October 2002

MAY 03, 2007 10:56 AM

That ain't shit... woodpeckers have tongues that wrap 'round their friggin' BRAINS...

So, to recap: all birds are scarry and evil...

doolittle

Mesa, AZ

December 2004

MAY 03, 2007 10:57 AM

drumbud said:

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

well that's creepy looking

aleksa

Tacoma, WA

April 2006

MAY 03, 2007 10:58 AM

PointBlank said:
Yikes. Although Dr. Brennan claims to have been "oblivious to bird phalluses until 1999," (although I've heard stories that say otherwise)....

This nearly made me spit coffee onto my keyboard.

ZenTrixter

Portland, OR

October 2002

MAY 03, 2007 11:04 AM

Well, I'll admit, being able to wrap your phallus 'round your brain would be a tiny bit cooler...

Root_Beer

Seattle, WA

August 2005

MAY 03, 2007 11:05 AM

The most disturbing detail is that their dicks disappear in the fall only to return in the spring. I'm not sure if it would be nice not to have a dick for a season. The anxiety of awaiting it's return might spoil the no-dick advantages. Interesting.

P.S. That dick pic above is fucking nasty.

Phoenixgirl

I'm lost

May 2006

MAY 03, 2007 11:13 AM

It's kinda funny that people are even studying this...

attn_ho

Brooklyn, NY

February 2004

MAY 03, 2007 11:15 AM

how soon before these ducks learn to code websites and start maing alt-porn? ewwww!

Aeryka

SUICIDEGIRL

Illinois, USA

MAY 03, 2007 11:21 AM

chimehouse said:
That ain't shit... woodpeckers have tongues that wrap 'round their friggin' BRAINS...

So, to recap: all birds are scarry and evil...

now i def agree that birds are scary....
but the penis isnt as scary as i had hoped it to be...i guess i was expecting something like this....

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

only replace the hentai chick with a duck. but that just me and what my brain invisioned when i read tentacle.

mingol

Singapore

July 2005

MAY 03, 2007 11:24 AM

chimehouse said:
Well, I'll admit, being able to wrap your phallus 'round your brain would be a tiny bit cooler...

You mean you can't?

Jeez, what's wrong with you?

ZenTrixter

Portland, OR

October 2002

MAY 03, 2007 11:29 AM

mingol said:

You mean you can't?

Jeez, what's wrong with you?

B'cuzz I am a pathetic, yet honest, small-phallused monkey, I guess...

Ahhh.... THE BIRDS ARE CUMING, THE... eh... forget it...

sirloins

Huntington Beach, CA

October 2005

MAY 03, 2007 11:34 AM

Cock? Johnson? Phallus?

That whole article was bereft of the word penis. What ever happened to the word penis? Or using the word "pork" to mean sexual intercourse for that matter?

aleksa

Tacoma, WA

April 2006

MAY 03, 2007 11:49 AM

Giant Spiraling Dicks would be a good name for a rock band.

NathanialBlood

United Kingdom

August 2006

MAY 03, 2007 11:57 AM

aleksa said:
Giant Spiraling Dicks would be a good name for a rock band.

They have to wear kilts though

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