Ask MisterSatan

Dear ELpHy-

Go ahead and visit with your new married friends whenever you feel like. If the subject comes up, tell them that instead of buying them a wedding gift, you used the money to purchase a mail-order bride from the Philippines. When they ask why (and they will), say, "Is it so wrong for me to be married too?" Then burst into tears. While they're consoling you, try hitting on the new bride. This will get you kicked out of their place, and voila! No more worries about a wedding gift!

Signed,

MisterSatan

Dear MisterSatan,

Along time ago I try to shoot my now bestfriend with a BB gun because I didn't like her. Now every time we fight she says at least I didn't try to shoot you. What should I do? Plus is Hell cool?

Thank You,
Bort79



[Edited on Jul 24, 2003 by Bort79]

Dear MisterSatan,

I see many of my future wives here, is this true?!




Yours Truly,
The Bunny Master

Dear MisterSatan,

I see many of my future wives here, is this true?!




Yours Truly,
The Bunny Master

Dear Mr. Satan,
Do people's mothers really suck cocks in hell?
XOXO-Kudra

Dear Bort-

The answer to this one is obvious- you need to let her shoot YOU with a BB gun. Or, let her shoot you with a real gun- that way, you'll have the upper hand in the next argument. And no, Hell is quite hot- especially this time of year. Can anyone recommend a good HVAC repairman?

Dear Bunny guy who I don't know yet cause you're new-

Only if you're looking at sixsixty's profile.

Dear Kudra-

That depends on if they sucked cocks here on Earth. Sorry to disappoint, but you have NO idea how long I've been trying to dispel all those rumors that supposed "documentary" movie put out.

Dearest Polly-

While the only remedy I can in good conscience recommend is good old fashioned cornhusker's oil, a good preventative cure would be to stop visiting gay bathhouses- those places are just TEEMING with germs, bacteria, virii and various STD's. Trust me, I know- I have quite a few "former customers" down here with me.

Man, this is thirsty work. *cracks open another PBR*

Dear MisterSatan,

Q#2 If I video taped you pushing someone off a cliff how much would you pay me to get that tape? See and you thought no one was watching!

Sincerely,
Bort79

You guys can see the smiley face video right? I thought it was funny I guess not.

[Edited on Jul 24, 2003 by Bort79]

Dear Mister Satan---
Are you referring to the documentary filmed in South Park of your relationship with Saddam Hussein?
Your Humble Servant--xoxo-Kudra

Dear MisterSatan

How do you type with those boxing gloves on?

Dear MisterSatan,
There's this girl I know that I really like, but I dont know how to tell her how I feel. I think she likes me too, and if I told here that I like her, I think things would go really well, but I just can't do it. Please help.

Your pal,
Jimmy Wilkins
9th grade

OK I think your taking this stuff way to serious. But I do apologize if I've said anything to upset you. MisterSatan the same to you. But I assume this has to do with another topic.

Sorry, Bort79

dear mistersatan,

how much is my everlasting soul worth to you? i've been dragging around that freeloading piece of shit all my life, and i figure...hey, it's not doing me any good. it's not putting any food on the table or paying my telephone bill.
so i tried to hock my soul at a pawnshop in newark, newjersey, and they said that my soul was worth about seven dollars and thirty five cents. i think they were pulling my leg.

so, how much would you give for my soul? it's in good condition, no dents, no dings, runs okay...but it might need a new alternator....

your pal,
mattthegoon.

Dear MisterSatan,

When serving up someone's soul, should I go with a dry white wine or a sweeter red wine?

Additionally, what is the best dessert for such an event?

~S~

Dear Matt-

That's what you get for trying to hawk your soul in Newark- they've got a surplus of them there, among other things, such as nipple clamps, butt plugs, and Mafia goons. What you really need to do is move to the west coast- we pay top dollar for them here.

Dear psycho ex-girlfriend-

STOP STALKING ME, YOU CRAZY BITCH!!!

Love, Satan

Kudra-

No, I'm referring to that blasphemous piece of doodie called "The Exorcist". The South Park guys are all right in my book, as long as they keep making jokes about how Jerry Falwell is a pedophile.

Dear S:

When serving someone's soul, it's best to go with what kind of person they were in life- if they were good little boys and girls, go with the white- otherwise, stick with a nice merlot. If you don't know what kind of person they were, just go with a nice, frosty PBR.

What are you on tonight?

The staff and executives of MisterSatanCorp would like to reiterate that we do NOT have anyone named "ELpH" on our payroll.

Thank you.

"MisterSatanCorp- bringing you snarky posts since 1987."

Dear MisterSatan,

I'm holding a baby leopard seal tenderly in my arms right now. Should I club it to death?

Thanks in advance,
Agent