"Why don't you have that rash looked at?" (gross story inside)

Sometimes people notice the strange rash on my arm and say "Damien, why don't you go to the dermatologist and have that looked at, looks like ringworm." And I have to relay to them the following story...

It was a day like any other. I had just gotten back from school my senior year of highschool. I decided to utilize the facilities in the manner of.....well....I was taking a dump. Everything is going just fine, turd comes out with some slight discomfort, but nothing to wake the president about. I stand up, wipe my buttocks and look at the tissue (most people do, it's not even an issue (I'll paypal 84 cents to the first person to get that reference)). The tissue is red. I do a double take. Did my mom switch to a red colored toilet paper? Did the tissue miraculously turn into the blood and body of Christ? Did I eat too many red crayons? I look down at the toilet bowl. NO! I just had myself a male period. The toilet bowl is filled with blood. I don't know how I didn't realize this when it was coming out, but my lord. Ughh. So after standing there staring at my blood for a couple moments, I flush and go downstairs. I pace around for a while disconcerted by the fact that I just pooped out more blood than Ghandi had in his whole body and then I get an idea. I go and get the paperwork for the Accutane (acne medication) that my dad had talked me into taking. The list of possible side effects goes like this:
Depression: check
Loss of night vision: check
Nausea: check
Vomiting: check
Birth Defects: n/a
Drying/peeling of skin: check
Headaches: check
RECTAL BLEEDING: check

So I don't know what your relationship with your parents is, but I don't usually discuss blood coming out of my ass with them. I figured I would probably have to tell them what happened since I needed to explain to them why I was stopping this stupid medication I was on. So I opt to inform my mom, I wait for my mom to come home and we have a really awkward moment.
Me: I'm going to stop taking Accutane.
Mom: Why?
Me: Ummm, I had some side effects.
Mom: Like what.
Me: Like all of them.
Mom: What does that mean
Me: Like, I went to the bathroom.
Mom: Mmhmm.
Me: ...and there was blood.
Mom: Yeah you should stop taking it.

So I go to the stupid dermatologist and first I have to explain to the nurse what happened and she will go tell the dermatologist. Seems like kind of a dumb system to me but sure, fine. I tell her I shat (past-tense of shit, look into it) blood. She quickly looks down at her clipboard, writes something down, awkwardly mumbles something about "just a moment" and retires to the other room. Also, I've taken my mom along with me because I was a very incompetent teenager. I'm sitting there feeling very uncomfortable about informing strangers about BLOOD coming out of my ASS. So the dermotologist throws the door open and swaggers boisterously into the room exclaiming "SO I HEAR YOU HAD SOME RECTAL BLEEDING?!" He nicely explains to me that they upped the dosage too early and that I should stop taking it for two weeks and then continue with a smaller dosage. Well I thought he was crazy. Yeah I've got a few zits, but so do most teenagers, and most teenagers don't hemmorhage into the pot too often as far as I know. He keeps telling me that if I just take a smaller dosage everything will be fine and all the side effects will go away. Well he was the professional so I believed him.

I shat blood a couple more times, but then it stopped and I was deemed ready to take Accutane again by mister "Ooh look at me I'm a big fancy dermatologist that rakes in the big bucks by convincing yuppies that their children need drugs." The second day back on Accutane, BAM! Like a bloodbath. I don't really know how to describe it. Have you every seen The Shining? Well anyways I put in an angry call to my dermatologist:
Me: Yeah, it happened again, I'm quitting your drug.
Asshole: Now hold on a minute and hear me out.
Me: Okay, what?
Asshole: We have this great cream...
.....silence.....
Asshole: You just apply it to the affected area and it shoul
*CLICK*
And that's why I won't go to a dermatologist to have the weird rash on my arm looked at.

I live for gross stories. Especially when they're funny... well for me, not for you so much maybe. But yea, after something like that I'd have a slight aversion to Pimplepopper MD too.

[Edited on Jun 23, 2003 by 2thumbs]

man I thought I was on the man period too for a while like 10 years ago... But it turned out that one of my rectal veins had poped because I fell asleep at the pooper too many fokin times...

Fear of a Black Hat, from "I'm Just a Human", when NWH split up, I believe it was Mix Master Tone's tune, sort of like de La Soul only weirder.

Do you have paypal?

Yes I do.

I just wanted to actually just reply to another person that knows the greatness of Fear of a Black Hat... which comes out on DVD very soon.

Yep, accutane is odd like that. I took it for 6 months, (when I was 26 or so) - worked like a charm, and the only side effect i had was dry skin/lips.

Try some Cortizone-10 on that arm rash. I personally guarantee it won't make you bleed out the pooper.

Thank you, Dr.