getting personal...

i am curious as to what kind of personal ad you guys might write, especially as i am quietly confident that most of them will be a darn-sight better than most of the dross i read on my lunchbreak.

mine as follows...

HOPELESS ROMANTIC with the
horn seeks like-minded female
for candelit dinners and bumlove.
reply to no. 32669

(edited due to spelling inability)


[Edited on Jun 24, 2003 by dagr8danfango]

single caucasian male is seeking equally manic depressive female to put up with his shit, laugh at his jokes, and be able to light a fire beneath him. must have short hair, a can-do attitude, and a da-donka-donk butt.

sadly enough, that pretty much sums it up.

-bobby

This is my actual Onion personal:
-----------------------------------------

Last great book I read

The Discoverers by Daniel J. Boorstin.. The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck


Most humbling moment

In Spanish class instead of saying 'I am hungry' I accidently said 'I have a lot of men'.


Favorite on-screen sex scene

Halle Berry and Billy Bob Thornton in Monster's Ball.. intense.


Celebrity I resemble most

Bob Dylan if his mama had fed him the good puppy chow.


Best (or worst) lie I've ever told

I broke up with a girl because her two favorite musicians were John Denver and Insane Clown Posse. I don't remember what reason I gave her, but it wasn't the whole truth. How could you tell someone "I'm breaking up with you because I feel that your tastes in music indicates deeply hidden psychological problems"?


If I could be anywhere at the moment

Dai Bosatsu Zendo in the Catskills of New York. The most beautiful, tranquil place I've ever been.


Song or album that puts me in the mood

Badly Drawn Boy 'Once Around the Block'

Suicidekeith by the.. uh.. I'm not sure what they were called but I'm sure my brain will send me the message instantaneously.. ;-)


The five items I can't live without

Diet Coke
Cigarettes (Marlboro Light 100s)
A pen
A notepad
My guitar


Fill in the blanks

Smiling is sexy;
Laughing is sexier


In my bedroom, you'll find

Clothes all over the floor, various music-related gadgets strewn about, posters of the Beatles, porn, and three or four books on the floor by the side of the bed.


WHY YOU SHOULD GET TO KNOW ME

You already do. Remember that guy in freshman year who wore really odd clothes, seemed kinda strange and always read during class, but not from the textbook? Remember when you talked to him you were surprised at how nice he was and not really that strange at all? That was me.

MORE ABOUT WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR

I'm looking for someone who is opinionated and curious, funny and dangerously intelligent. Someone who is creative in many ways; appreciates music and reading, and knows what they like and don't like. Someone who has never answered a question with a sentence including '..I don't care..' or '..just about anything..'.
Someone for whom the intake of new things and knowledge is as vital as oxygen.

domineering female seeks clean, literate, 5'10'+ male. must enjoy a range of music & movies, camping, & late night talks to include those while bathing me. must have own mind & backbone, but worship the ground i walk on. also required to be an excellent, enthusiastic lay (failure to meet this requirement can result in quick & clean termination of usage). no smoking. some drinking ok.

[Edited on Jun 23, 2003 by RumpusParable]

I've done that before oops.

i'm not keen on camping, but apart from that, i think u'd dig me...

KeithD said:
This is my actual Onion personal:
-----------------------------------------
... Celebrity I resemble most

Bob Dylan if his mama had fed him the good puppy chow.

Bob looked fine (actually was quite the catch) until he started shooting dope, around 1980. His mom had nothing to do with it

[Edited on Jun 23, 2003 by moregone]

honest, good looking, dude with a job, seeks pretty, nice, honest girl with high aspirations. nature lovers a plus, past experience not required

dude seeks lass,

must be open minded, into chains and whips, the occasional sacrifice, ass ramming, swingin, any dirty shit my imagination can think, and do my evil bidding as a toe suckin' wench.

just kidding...

actually, into travel, horror movies, comics, in depth talks, goin out, must be a party animal, not old before there time, fun lovin, i like tattoos and peircings, rock chick preferred.

[Edited on Jun 23, 2003 by suggs]

Hey you! Yeah you! The window shopping mofo who's reading this in your lunchbreak just to get yuks at sad lonely desperate people...

Good call dude... maybe we could hang out and make fun of people together some time. If you're a chick who's doing it we could even consider getting really drunk together and having sex... on a regular basis obviously.

This is one I made up a long time ago for this very purpose -

WISH YOU WERE DEAD?
Schizophrenic alcoholic seeks complicated person for superficial relationship.

I never published it, & then I got married. Shit happens.

Bobby was shooting plenty of shit way before that. It's usually when you quit you look like like a junkie. Not that I know - a junkie told me both of these fact-oids.

LET'S GET NERDY

SW/HM seeks humanoid female, preferably carbon based for long hours of comic and music shop inspections, heckling GAP customers, debates about which rebellion squadron carried their own weight the best in the final death star battle, and the occasional romantic role playing excursion (yes, i mean DnD).
must be able to do the vulcan peace sign, and preferably have a car, since mine is as existent as a mint first printing of action comics no.1.
reccomended reading: fight club, invisible monsters, hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, transmetropoilitan, fables, slaughterhouse 5, anything by tolkien, and all volumes of the essential spiderman. if you can't get enough of 21 year old virgins who still live with their parents, i'm your man

Here you go! I just made this!


Last great book I read

Everything's Eventual by Stephen King


Most humbling moment

Is when I asked my now ex-wife to marry me. I asked her in front of a large crowd and I got so nervous that I pulled out the ring and said will ya.


Favorite on-screen sex scene

OK this sounds really girly but the Titanic where the steam up that cars window.


Celebrity I resemble most

I don't look like any but I act like Adam Sandler.


Best (or worst) lie I've ever told

I had to tell my boss once that I didn't have sex on his desk. I was a co-manager and I was in charge for the day. I spent it all in the office with my wife. Someone told him I did. I told him that they were mad because I yeild at them the night before. I think he bought it.


If I could be anywhere at the moment

Sitting watching the sun rise with the women of my dreams in my arms. I could of said on some Island some where but as long as I'm with someone I love it doesn't matter!


Song or album that puts me in the mood


Any slow song! Again as long as I'm with someone Iove!


The five items I can't live without

Dr. Pepper
My car.
Fireworks
Music
LOVE


Fill in the blanks

Smiling is sexy;
Because it makes you look even more BEAUTIFUL!


In my bedroom, you'll find

Well truthfully at the moment I don't have a bedroom. Just got divorced and am living on parents couch. But normally you would find. Cloths, a bed, and don't open the closet shit wil fall on you. Plus sex toys, lotions, hand cuffs and so on under the bed.

WHY YOU SHOULD GET TO KNOW ME

I'm funny!!! I'm 100% faithful! I can cook good. I clean (do dishes, laundry, and anthing else.) I try to be really romantic but some times I just get too nervous (read up above!). I'm not a bum. I work all the damn time. Plus I'm alittle freak if you know what I mean.

MORE ABOUT WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR

Has to be faithful!!! Smart no dumb blondes! Fun to be with and can take a joke. Someone who doesn't mind staying home and watching a movie sometimes. Someone who likes to go out to the bar and have fun sometimes. Must like the outdoors, rollercoasters, children animals, and The SIMPSONS (or at least can put up with the simpsons). Looks DON'T really matter! But what I like is a medium built women (everything on them). Not really thin but Not really fat. I don't really care for blonde hair but as long as you don't act blonde that really doesn't matter.

Plus most important you must love me for who I am! Nothing more nothing less just me.

"Tengo mucho HOMBRE." HA HA HA HA

i like to post fake "missed connections" in the local lib. mag. for fun. i try to make them match people and places i see.
does that count as a personal?

KeithD said:
This is my actual Onion personal:
-----------------------------------------


Celebrity I resemble most

Bob Dylan if his mama had fed him the good puppy chow.


oh i love love love love the bob.
especially now that he's grizzled and old. oh dear me. oh dear. oh dear. ::explodes::

Ba-Ba come home!

Male seeks multiple pints of beer for group sessions in public places.

Err dude that shouldn't be so hard - just pop into your local off license?

DD

Me, seeks you.
Respond.


Figure I have no real redeeming qualities so best to be vague.

deaddeputy said:

None near my work more's the pity, I was hoping someone would deliver me some here to save me waiting til 7pm

[Edited on Jun 24, 2003 by Abbadon]

This sums me up quite nicely

Intriguing, hansome, intellectual, 177cm, I hope you are because that is me. Likes free-spirited and open minded women who don't want a man under their feet 24/7. Must appreciate pretentiousness, surprises, inablity to use mobile phones and godawful musical taste.

Abbadon said:

Tsk, well if you were anywhere near Liverpool St I'd bring you some myself.. As to my own ad, how about something like:

"Witty musician and ascetic into metal gigs, movies, gaming & history seeks petite, sultry goddess with fiery spirit & similar interests to rekindle his ebbing passion for life..."

DD

[Edited on Jun 24, 2003 by deaddeputy]

soppy git...