The Rules of Anime

No, i didn't write this, i found it on another message board i frequent, but i thought all you anime fans would get a big kick out of it! Its quite a read though... Enjoy!

The Rules of Anime

1. Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
The normal laws of physics do not apply.

2. Law of Differentiated Gravitation
Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborne, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.

3. Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.

4. Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion
In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.

5. Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion
The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.

6. Law of Temporal Variability
Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something ‘cool’ or ‘impressive’. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.

7. First Law of Temporal Morality
‘Good Guys’ and ‘Bad Guys’ both die in one of two ways- either so quick they don’t even see it coming, OR it’s a long, drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence, or why the toast always lands butter side down.

8. Second Law of Temporal Morality
It takes some time for bad guys to die...regardless of physical damage. Even when the ‘Bad Guys’ are killed so quickly they didn’t even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize that they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.

9. Law of Dramatic Emphasis
Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).

10. Law of Dramatic Multiplicity
Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a ‘Good Guy’ kicks the ‘Bad Guy’ in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.

11. Law of Inherent Combustibility
Everything Explodes. Everything.

First Corollary-
Anything that explodes bulges first.

Second Corollary-
Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as “The Match Stick City”.

12. Law of Phlogistatic Emission
Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.

13. Law of Energetic Emission
There is always an energy buildup (commonly referred to as an energy ‘bulge’) before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustibility.

14. Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude
The destructive potential of any object/organism is inversely proportional to its mass.

First Corollary-
Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also known as the A-Ko phenomenon

15. Law of Inexhaustibility
No one *EVER* runs out of ammunition. That is of course they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.

16. Law of Inverse Accuracy
The accuracy of a ‘Good Guy’ when operating any form of firearm increases as the difficulty of shot increases. The accuracy of the ‘Bad Guys’ when operating firearms decreases as the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Storm Trooper Effect) Example: A ‘Good Guy’ in a drunken stupor, being held upside down from moving vehicle will always hit, whereas several battalions of ‘Bad Guys’ firing on a ‘Good Guy’ standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.

First Corollary-
The more ‘Bad Guys’ there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.

Second Corollary-
Whenever a ‘Good Guy’ is faced with insurmountable odds, the ‘Bad Guys’ line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out in a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.

Third Corollary-
Whenever a ‘Good Guy’ is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated ‘Good Guy Area’, usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm which restricts the ‘Good Guy’ from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvers.

17. Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability
Minmei is a bimbo.

18. Law of Hemoglobin Capacity
The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.

19. Law of Demonic Consistency
Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least 3 eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not unknown, and can only be hurt by bladed weapons.

20. Law of Militaristic Unreliability
Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.

21. Law of Tactical Unreliability
Tactical Geniuses aren’t...

22. Law of Inconsequential Undetectability
People never notice the little things...like missing body parts or wounds the size of Kansas.

23. Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
Children are smarter than adults and almost always twice as annoying.

24. Law of Americanthropomorphism
Americans in anime appear in one of two roles, either as the really, nasty, skinny ‘Bad Guy’, or as a big, stupid ‘Good Guy’.

First Corollary-
The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect.)

Second Corollary-
The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.

25. Law of Mandibular Proportionality
The size of a person’s mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.

26. Law of Feline Mutation
Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:

1)Be female
2)Will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation
3)Wear as little clothing as possible, if any

27. Law of Conservation of Firepower
Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will inversely be reserved and used only as a last resort.

28. Law of Technological User-Benevolence
The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.

29. Law of Melee Luminescence
Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for ‘Good Guys’ and red for ‘Bad Guys’. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.

30. Law of Non Anthropomorphic Antagonism
All ugly, non humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.

31. Law of Follicular Chromatic Variability
Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.

32. Law of Follicular Permanence
Hair in anime is pretty much indestructible, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to damage someone’s hair is the same way that you deal with demons...bladed weapons!!!

33. Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aerodynamics
*ANY* shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.

34. Law of Probable Attire
Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.

Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off the aforementioned female’s clothes, then she will inexplicable take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene).

Whenever there is a headwind, male characters invariably wear long cloaks that don’t hamper their movements and billow out dramatically behind them.

First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability)
All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.

Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability)
Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.

35. Law of Musical Omnipotence
Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more “simple” things, like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on…especially if they have never attempted these things before.

36. Law of Quintupular Agglutination
Also called “The 5-man Rule”, when ‘Good Guys’ group together, it tends to be in groups of 5. there are five basic positions, which are:

1)The Hero/Leader
2)His Girlfriend
3)His Best Friend/Rival
4)A Hulking Brute
5)A Dwarf/Kid

Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:

1)Extreme Coolness
2)Amazing Intelligence
3)Incredible Irritation

37. Law of Extra Dimensional Capacitance
All anime females have an extra dimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they are able to retrieve any object at a moments notice.

First Corollary (A.K.A. The Hammer Rule)
The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, which can be used with unerring accuracy on any male who deserves it. Other common items include costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.

38. Law of Hydrostatic Emission
Eyes tend to be rather large in anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes in unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.

39. Law of Inverse Attraction
Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get, and vice versa.

40. Law of Nasal Sanguination
When sexually aroused, males in anime don’t get erections, they get nosebleeds. No one is sure why this is though. The current theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law 38 above). Females don’t get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of blood flow to that region.

41. Law of Xylolaceration
Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp/hard as metal swords, if not sharper/harder.

42. Law of Juvenile Omnipotence
Always send a boy to do a man’s job. He’ll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.

43. Law of Triscaquadrophobia
There is no Law 43.

44. Law of Nominative Clamovocation
The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced.

45. Law of Uninteruptable Metamorphosis
Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they’ve seen it before, any ‘Bad Guys’ witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it.

46. Law of Flimsy Incognition
Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relatives.

47. Law of Solar-Gravitation
There mus ALWAYS, ALWAYS! Must be at least one beach episode.

this is funny cos it's all soooo true

but they ommited a rule that i have now forgotten cos it's a really long list, and i have to pee


okay i remembered it

the law of light refraction invulnribility:
laser blasts destroy anything with one giant blast from walls and starships and large groups of mechs...
but will only knock a hero on his ass.



[Edited on Mar 19, 2003 by xMaCH1Nax]

true
did you come up with all that yourself?

heh no, then i'd *really* have no life hee hee hee...found it on another message board i go to, and the guy that posted it didn't find it there either...i just thought it was really good

So true, so very very true....

strongbads is better
strongbademail

I love that so much, and that list is so much more complete than the first time I saw that years ago!

Damn I love anime!

I was doing pretty good until I got to that one. I literally almost fell off my chair laughing.

anime's awesome - it's like being told a story by a 5 year old. it doesn't make sense, not really even all that coherent, but the person telling it is so into it, you almost believe it's happening

"yeah! and then this girl comes...on a motorcycle! and she jumps it like 50 feet in the air! and rides on a wall! but it's an invisible wall! for an invisible castle! but there's eyes on the castle that shoot laser beams! one hits her bike and it explodes! so she falls to ground but is ok..."

ha ha, should be an easy one, anyone know which flick i'm talking about?

VHD Bloodlust I think. It didn't go down exactly that way but it's the only movie with a girl on a motorcycle driving up an invisible castle while getting shot at by laser eyes that I can think of at the moment. Of course, knowing anime, there might be two like that.

And that's actually one of the least typical animes at least that I've seen lately. Realistic looking characters, smoothly-animated action scenes, and even a plot that was less sieve-like than usual. Now that you mention it though, it does sound like something a five-year-old would come up with.

yeah, you got it. i was pretty impressed with the animation quality of it. the plot was still expectedly thin (the part that i recounted stuck out in particular) but i still liked it - mainly for the art. like i said, it's told with such sincerity that you want to believe that it all makes sense.