This story is not about Roy Orbison wrapped in Clingfilm. This story is not even really about stories about Roy Orbison wrapped in Clingfilm. No, this story is about my fascination with the fact that stories about Roy Orbison wrapped in Clingfilm have evolved and broken out to such a degree that a news site has deemed them worthy of writing a story about. (Wow, that was like, three levels of meta right there. I just made myself dizzy. Watch out, now!)

I don't know if you've ever had the pleasure, but as for me, the first time I heard about Ulli's Roy Orbison in Cling-film Site was in 2003, when Ben Platt wrote it up as an SA Awful Link of the Day. He pretty much hit the nail on the head with his take on the matter:

I think I speak for all of us when I say, guh? I mean, what the hell? Society is dictated by a huge number of unwritten rules. Call me crazy, but I've always thought that one of the better ones was "Don't fucking wrap Roy Orbison in plastic."

If you haven't, in fact, had the pleasure of viewing this magical site, you might be wondering what kind of metaphor is being made by all this talk of Roy Orbison wrapped in Cling-film. That's where you'd be wrong. There is no metaphor. It's exactly what it sounds like. Slash fan fiction. About Roy Orbison. Wrapped in Cling-film. Gah.

'We have been struck by an asteroid,' I report. 'One of the precision-engineered BMW engines has been knocked out of alignment. Unless it can be mended we will die.'

'Suit me up,' says Roy. 'I'm going out there.'

'Captain,' I say nervously, 'you are not going to like this. I am afraid we forgot to bring space-suits on this mission.'

'Ach!' says Roy. 'This is a grave disappointment.'

I clear my throat diffidently. 'There is one thing we might try. As you know I had the foresight to bring many rolls of clingfilm with us for emergencies just such as this.'

'I scoffed at the time but now I perceive you were wise. You will wrap me in cling-film at once.'

I retrieve some cling-film from the Clingfilm Stowage Compartment where several hundred of the translucent rolls of joy glint softly in the cabin lights.

Roy Orbison unbuckles from his seat and floats out into the middle of the cabin, his black clothing billowing about him in the zero gravity like the folds of some black cloth manta ray. 'Commence,' he says.

It's all fun for a laugh, kind of like Gem Sweater or the Tron dude. You read it, you snap your head back in surprise, you send it to all your friends, and then you forget about it. Right? Wrong. Dead wrong. This motherfucker just turned this website into a book, and it's selling. This is where the real actual newspaper article comes into play.

Ulrich Haarburste's novel Orbison in Clingfilm is likely the most unusual book released this year, and is reason for aspiring writers worldwide -- who have yet to see their work published -- to gouge out their eyes.

The bizarre bit of lit -- backed by a U.K. publishing house that's known more for titles like The Energy Challenge, Grandma's Garden and The Call of Duty: A Policeman's Story -- has gained a loyal and hyper-hip following on the web.

I think the bit about unpublished authors wanting to gouge our eyes out is a little bit harsh. It's no surprise at this point that the stories aren't based on real passion (though, internet being what it is, I'm sure some people have derived unironic pleasure from the site). As the web address indicates, the author is one Maddox-esque Michael Kelly, and quite frankly I salute him for sticking with such a left-field idea for so long.

The work carries the name of Ulrich Haarburste, but it's actually the work of U.K. humour writer Michael Kelly. Not that he will admit it.

Like Baron Cohen's Borat, it's Haarburste who responds to Sun Media's questions. Asked to describe his book, he explains: "I do not wish to speak boastfully. As your Leonard Cohen is saying, 'Art is a verdict and not an occupation.'

"However, if people's verdict should be that my work has changed their lives or provided them with a reason for living then I must humbly accept that."

Originally, I wanted to say that I never thought I'd see the day someone would spend their time and money publishing a book based on a goofy joke website about Roy Orbison wrapped in Cling-film. Then again, four years ago I was saying: "I never thought I'd see the day someone would spend their time on the internet writing about Roy Orbison wrapped in Cling-film." It's all kinds of crazy, I suppose, to varying degrees.

MORAL: God bless the internet.

hellointernet

Saint Petersburg, FL

March 2007

MAR 27, 2007 10:56 PM

fortunately for me i am completely, completely stoned right now.

SynninViemaa

Centereach, NY

January 2006

MAR 28, 2007 03:03 AM

Quite possibly the best- and most bizarre- article I've ever read.

Greybeard

Los Angeles, CA

December 2006

MAR 28, 2007 03:16 AM

I think I missed something here, and have the uneasy suspicion that I should be glad I did.

erleichda

Germany

May 2003

MAR 28, 2007 04:15 AM

PointBlank

New York, NY

November 2004

MAR 28, 2007 04:50 AM

Anytime anyone has asked me what is the best thing on internet, I've shown them the Orbison in cling film website.

davisdallas

Allston, MA

June 2004

MAR 28, 2007 05:15 AM

Dude, don't go puttintg Leslie (gem Sweeater lady) on the same level as this. Until you've seen Leslie and the Ly's live, you have no perspective of how awesome she truly is.

Anarchie

SUICIDEGIRL

Vatican City

MAR 28, 2007 06:53 AM

That's funny, about 10 minutes ago I was contemplating wrapping myself up in foil and pretending to be a robot.

Flux

SUICIDEGIRL

North Carolina, USA

MAR 28, 2007 06:54 AM

I am so psyched.

apesamongus

Atlanta, GA

July 2002

MAR 28, 2007 08:23 AM

Amazing.

That site needs pictures. I can't believe there's no fan art.

Appetite

Greensboro, NC

March 2007

MAR 28, 2007 02:14 PM

hellointernet said:
fortunately for me i am completely, completely stoned right now.

oh, that reminds me...

BOARDS:

TOPICS:

NEWSWIRE

San Diego, CA

MAR 27, 2007 10:54 PM

Saint Petersburg, FL

March 2007

MAR 27, 2007 10:56 PM

Centereach, NY

January 2006

MAR 28, 2007 03:03 AM

Los Angeles, CA

December 2006

MAR 28, 2007 03:16 AM

erleichda

Germany

May 2003

MAR 28, 2007 04:15 AM

New York, NY

November 2004

MAR 28, 2007 04:50 AM

Allston, MA

June 2004

MAR 28, 2007 05:15 AM

SUICIDEGIRL

Vatican City

MAR 28, 2007 06:53 AM

SUICIDEGIRL

North Carolina, USA

MAR 28, 2007 06:54 AM

Atlanta, GA

July 2002

MAR 28, 2007 08:23 AM

Greensboro, NC

March 2007

MAR 28, 2007 02:14 PM